Life.

I feel so hopeless and lost.
No where to run, no where to hide.
Not when the demons are in your own mind.
And its things you can't change.
I should be happy.
It's December, nearly Xmas.
But I'm scared.
Dad's gone.
Not that I ever had a relationship with him till the end.
And mum just well..
Its hard to explain.
I'll never be good enough for her.
Never was for dad either.
I'm not going to succeed like the average kid.
Because of how my mental health impacts my life.
All I see is the disappointment.
And all the rest of the negative things.
I have to hold myself back,
Walk on egg shells just so as not to upset her.
Because it impacts on her an awful lot didn't I know.
She keeps on telling me this.
Like it never enters my mind.
Hell I keep away so much just to protect you.
I keep so much unsaid so not to hurt you.
One thing I cannot do is change the fact I'm ill.
I do not choose to be this way.
I hate being like this.
I despise myself.
But I do know I'm a thoughtful, caring and kind person.
I'd never do anything to intentionally hurt her.
I'm never going to be that perfect daughter she desires.
Not even close, not that she seems to accept that.
Shouldn't it just be about happiness or being content.
I just feel so pressured.
To get a job, get in a relationship, do driving lessons etc.
None of that is even going to happen if I'm dead.
Or depressed, anxious and isolating.
Oh golly...

Relaxation.

I really need to learn the art of relaxation.
It is something I truly suck at.
Holding a lot of stress in my body doesn't help.
I've never been able to just sit without feeling the tension.
Not always mentally but physically I mean.
I'm in need of a good massage.
But it feeling comfortable enough to let someone touch me.
I mean it's pretty a intimate situation.

Paranoia.

Sleep is becoming troublesome again.
And my anxiety has heightened.
I can not let the paranoia take hold.
I don't want to be imprisoned again.
The outside world is scary.
It's something I have to face though.
I'd rather that than the sheer isolation.
Jumping at every drop of a needle.
Hiding behind the curtains because I fear I'm being watched.
That's not a Life.
That's being trapped by an illness.

Good Day.

Positive day even without the best start.
Nice and relaxed, without urges flowing.
Or racing mind and intrusive thoughts.
Very freeing.
Very satisfying.
A day where my creative ideas can flow.
And my awkward social skills are less awkward.
It's nice to just breathe.
And have a good day.

Bulimia.

Stuffing my emotions down a lot.
Trying to hold it together.
Impulsive though my mind.
Binging on intolerable amounts.
The numbers on the scales rocket.
My purse is looking empty.
I see my body, I feel the guilt.
I'm ashamed.
Tops of my thighs touching with fat.
I exercise and exercise.
Multiple times a day.
But the binging still remains.
I'm just in one big sorry cycle.

Structure.

I need a change.

Or maybe just some structure.

Not that I could handle many hours working yet.

I don't want to set myself up for failure again.

I have got to be realistic.

Even if its just joining the gym.

And I can do that a few times a week.

Also getting back into my craft stuff.

Perhaps going into town for a Costa.

But I do need to start somewhere.

Chained.

I want to feel in control. 

There's so many things I could list. 

I'm not sure I'd know where to start. 

It'd be such a delight to feel refreshed from sleep. 

And being able to get without too much effort in the morning. 

Right now it feels like I'm chained beneath my covers. 

Possibly because I have little hope for the future. 

And maybe there is some amount of fear on top of that.

Be With You.

It was good coming to be with you today. 

There's always a sadness because you've passed. 

But I feel so much closer to you there. 

I could sit for hours in the peace and quiet. 

Rambling on about everything and nothing.

Wits End.

I feel like I'm a wits-end.

Urges are too much, too intense.

Mood is very low.

I don't see hope.

Or see a positive future.

I struggle to open up anymore.

The loses I've had, have left a gaping hole.

Nothing comes close to filling.

I've not been happy for a long time.

I'm completely exhausted.

Nothing excites me.

I don't even want to see friends.

Depression has just taken over me.

It's consuming my whole personality.

My whole life.

I want free of this.

Distress.

Head is 100mph.

You wouldn't know it. 

On the surface I'm fairly calm. 

But underneath I'm sinking. 

Upsetting images. 

Intense urges. 

Feeling rather distressed.

I could burst at any moment. 

Least that's how I feel. 

I need so desperately to contain this. 

I can't give in. 

And I can't end up in hospital. 

Not that I feel very much like reaching out like earlier. 

I don't want to be laughed at again.

HTT.

You'd think these people would have some compassion. 

Well sadly that isn't the case. 

The nerve a person has to laugh at someone in distress. 

It's just totally unbelievable. 

And that's whatever the person situation is. 

It does not matter whether it may seem insignificant. 

They are struggling and it's your job to help. 

The very worst things you can do is be little them and their distress. 

What they feel is very real. 

Laughing just shows ignorance and stigma. 

And you're supposed to be helping people in crisis.

You made me feel so fucking small. 

More distressed than I already was. 

Completely insignificant. 

You rushed me off the phone. 

Did you even know how to help?

You didn't even ask if I felt safe... 

I wasn't.

It Hits You.

When something just hits you.

Right in the heart.

Your throat closes up.

And butterflies wrap themselves inside you.

The anxiety and heartache clings again.

Tears rolling down your face.

Thoughts right back to that day.

Nobody should be blaming themselves.

Especially a mate.

She didn't take her life away.

It was the hospitals negligence that did.

Yet they're not fessing up.

And people are suffering because of that.

Peoples lives, young and old.

Turned upside down.

Daft Move.

Slept much much better last night. 

Funny how I have to down a bunch of pills to get enough. 

I know that was a pretty daft move. 

But I've been utterly exhausted and frustrated. 

And now I feel much less like murdering people. 

Today I've actually managed an okay kind of mood. 

I'm really hoping I've kicked my sleep back into sense. 

Oh gosh I really hope so. 

Lack of sleep = a completely neurotic me.

Total Numbness.

Under HTT again. 

And let's just say it ain't helping like last time. 

My total apathy to life is a barrier. 

I wish I could feel something.

Connected.

Eating is getting out of hand. 

Once again I'm binging. 

Piling on the pounds. 

I dread to think what the scales would say. 

I feel so uncomfortable in myself. 

With all this extra skin. 

In a body that I often feels alien to me. 

It makes me all edgy. 

No wonder I can't relax. 

I need to lose. 

To be smaller, my smallest. 

How I feel safest. 

And most connected with my body.

Fearful of the Nights.

My brain is eating away at me. 

It's a horrible place to be. 

Each night gets more nauseating. 

More unsettling and agitating. 

I feel on edge every second. 

Noticing every sound. 

Getting tenser and tenser.

Did it Die With Her?

What if any happiness I had went and died with twinny?

After all it's only the day I met her that my life brightened up. 

That I felt accepted for the first time ever. 

I know I was truly happy in the moments I spent with her. 

Even if I may not have been totally happy with life. 

And that made things so much easier. 

Something I no longer have. 

And may never, and that scares me. 

I need my sparkle back.

My Safe Place.

Think for a minute, refocus if you can. 

And give me all the reasons why I shouldn't. 

Why I should continue to grasp onto reality. 

Rather than knock myself into a blissful haze. 

Where everything is soft and marshmallowy. 

But most importantly, safe.

Could I?

Overwhelming feelings that I could've done more.

It always rises back up again strong.

Realistically I did a lot.

It plays on my mind though.

And it really makes my heart hurt.

I know you still wanted help.

Even in the darkest of times you continued to fight. 

A Poem You Wrote.

This is one of the only poems I have of yours.
It's very deep and dark, mind of a troubled soul.
Probably similar to how you were feeling 3 years ago.
I feel so low in these early hours without you.
Hoping posting it may bring me a little closer.

Take it all. 

Have it all, until there is nothing left.

Every last beat that's inside.

I can feel it; you slow me down but my heart races against time.

Weaker and weaker; take each drop that falls and swallow.

Remove whats in my head.

Take it as a gift from me.

Befriend my habits.

Take me, make me free.

Have it all until there is nothing left.

Have it all my very last breath.

Empowered Me.

Being under HTT has helped.

It's allowed me to think more clearly about things.

I've felt empowered to come up with more ways of coping.

Or at least more things to do to help with that.

I'm not over all of the anniversaries yet.

It will be 3 years tomorrow and that is really tough.

So definitely going to be gentle with myself.

I would definitely accept support from them again.  

Alien to me.

All the energy I have left is being sucked away.

Like my skins crawling inwards on itself.

Gnawing, aching, but alien to me.

This is a foreign body.

It never was mine.

Familiar Face.

It was J who came.

I was pleased about that.

Wishing I could be more open.

I think it's holding me back.

It was nice to see a familiar face.

Even if I did still have walls up.

Feeling slightly less anxious.

Telling Me What I Already Know.

I'm incredibly anxious.

Have HTT coming round again today.

Don't know who, or exactly when.

It's making me all panicky.

I don't see what they can do for me.

They just say to use my coping skills.

Which is what I'm already doing.

They are nice people, don't get me wrong.

But I know to use my skills.

I've been doing that for years.

Hopeless.

Words are hard to put together. 

I feel drained in every way. 

My bubbly nature has walked out the door. 

And I'm left feeling desperately hopeless. 

I really hope I can shake this off soon. 

Before I do anything more daft would be lovely. 

I don't want to end up IP.

Not Enough.

It's not enough.

It's not fucking enough.

I need to do more harm.

I need to feel the pain.

Verge of Flipping.

So much anger inside.

Too many unexpressed feelings.

I want to let the out.

But how I don't know.

They won't come naturally.

I feel I will flip my shit soon.

Become violent.

Everything is getting too much.

It's fucking scary.

Lay With Her.

All the urges in the world.

I miss my little twinny so much.

It really hurts mentally and physically.

I want to be with her, not kill myself just..

I want to hold her close.

Just lay with her.

Protect her from evil.

Conflicting Emotions.

Tomorrow is nearing. 

For now I'm feeling less stressed. 

But we shall just have to what the morning brings. 

I'm hoping I can contain any difficult feelings. 

It will be super awkward if not. 

Whilst there is less stress and that's good. 

I have a sense of dread. 

Like it's the calm before the storm. 

I'm trying hard not to focus on that too much.

I Want Calm.

So much to do and so little time. 

Agitated and restless not a great combo. 

I really hope I manage to sleep tonight. 

Some calmness would be rather appreciated. 

However my chest is tight and my bones ache. 

So I will likely have to soldier on as usual. 

Never mind though, for now.

 

I will have the tranquil natural of the sea in a few days. 

At least that's what I'm hoping for.

Feel The Fear.

I am going.

Can't let her down.

No way can I do that.

It's going to be scary I know that.

But it's not going to kill me.

I'm going to have to work through it.

It's not going to be easy.

But I can do it.

Another Let Down.

Where do I even start with talking to H...

I massively don't want to impact on her mh. 

She's been constantly let down over and over. 

I don't want to be another person like that. 

But I know I can't go for my own mh. 

This is such a mess. 

I'm Not Okay.

I know I'm not okay.

But am I too unwell to go away..

I hope not, I don't want to let people down.

Especially those who I care about.

I'm worried about breaking.

About a lot of things to be frank.

I don't want people to think differently of me.

That is if I decide not to go.

I don't want to feel pressured.

And then the crazy being unleashed.

Especially somewhere I don't know.

The fact I won't have my PRN makes it's scarier.

Like what the frick am I meant to do.

Things are heightened already.

And will be even more so away.

I use my coping skills but they only go so far.

Like oh frickety frickin frick.

Too much anxiety!

Intense Urges.

To many thoughts shooting around.

Going full speed and I just need a breathe.

A break, something at least.

Urges to harm are so so high.

It's intense, feeling unmanageable.

I don't want to break.

Commencing Treatment.

The ED service left a message.

And now my stomachs all knotted inside.

I'm supposed to be commencing treatment.

Need to decide if I want to have an appointment this week.

Or after I come back from my week away down south.

I really hope this isn't the women I had before.

Although if it is, I need to give her a chance.

I'm just so nervous about the whole thing.

Food can really fuck with my mh.

Weighty Stuff.

Really need to stop binge eating. 

I've put on so much weight recently. 

It makes me feel so bloody vile. 

And just generally uncomfortable. 

I've lost so much confidence it's unreal. 

Never even know what to wear. 

I feel I look awful in everything. 

I just so need to be able to get a handle on this. 

And slim back down. 

I want my small bit of confidence back. 

I need a plan a realistic one.

Feeling Crisis-y.

So I feel crisis-y.

Oh the joys.

Intrusive thoughts gah.

Massive urges to harm still.

I don't know what to do.

Golly goshlings.

To phone OOH..

Ring M?

Go A&E.

Or just give in.

I don't fucking know.

I can't people.

Not a Life.

The urges are a bitch. 

Just want to cut every inch of myself. 

Or put myself under for days. 

It's a real struggle to contain. 

I don't want a life like this. 

No one should have one like it. 

It's fucking awful. 

Nauseating. 

Agitating.

Hypocrite.

I'm a complete hypocrite. 

Telling others who are struggling to reach out. 

When I definitely need to talk myself. 

And might even need assessing. 

Oh hello suicidal thoughts/urges. 

I have not missed you. 

Ugh.

Urges to harm are so persistent.

No letting up today apparently.

It's a racket in my head.

I want some peace.

I want to feel okay.

Same Old Same Oldest.

Ten more fucking days. 

I can't wait that long. 

Feeling I'll explode before then. 

And really what can duty do. 

That's if I speak to them before she's back. 

Having said that we all know what she'll say. 

Same old same old. 

 You've got through more than many could cope with. 

Many would have given up a long time ago. 

That's just telling me well.. 

Putting it bluntly many would have killed themselves. 

Which really isn't a helpful thing to say when I've thoughts. 

I don't know why I see her anymore.

Total Chaos.

My head feels all pickled.

I don't know what I'm thinking.

Well actually what my feelings are.

My thoughts are self destructive.

And I'm fighting hard.

Nobody knows.

I'm like a duck.

Calm on the surface.

But total chaos underneath.

I don't want to harm.

But I need a release.

I need twinny.

Tame It.

Having major body image woes. 

Okay maybe not as severe as that. 

But it's still taking up my thoughts. 

I probably do need to speak to the ED team. 

This body is plain gross. 

Sometimes it doesn't even feel my own. 

Like a foreign body.

 

I feel as though a lot of it needs cutting away. 

It's like a wild tree grown out of control. 

It needs to be tamed.

Learning Things.

I've not had a good day. 

Eating wise I mean. 

I need to have a plan b. 

That's definitely something to prepare. 

And something I've learnt from today. 

If I go in the shop and they haven't got x produce I went in for. 

I need an alternative to buy. 

Because it happened today and well... 

Ames just went impulse based on cravings. 

Not buying food I actually need. 

Or won't binge on for that matter. 

I need to be prepared, I need to be mindful. 

And I also could do with being more present. 

I tend to switch off and go full speed no thought. 

Maybe grounding skills would help that. 

It's worth a shot.

Torn.

Is it too adventurous. 

Above what I can push myself to. 

Currently that may be a possibility. 

I don't want to fail again. 

But I don't want to sit around doing nothing either. 

I want to live my life. 

I need to challenge and push myself. 

You only get better by doing that. 

But is it taking on too much. 

Too many hours, too far to travel. 

I really don't know. 

I'm feeling incredibly torn. 

Lots of Thinking Needs Doing.

Decisions to make. 

And hard ones at that. 

Am I the most realistic person. 

Definitely not. 

But you have to take risks. 

And you've got to push yourself. 

This opportunity may never come again. 

Do I know if I'll succeed or even like it. 

Chances are I'll enjoy the experience. 

Even if I find I don't want to pursue that career.

 

Going from lots of past stuff I've started. 

Hmm, I do have the tendency to not finish things. 

But I have to start doing sometime soon! 

I need to think real hard about this. 

Binging Ugh.

Remember you felt bad after that.
Comforting yourself with food never helps.
I know you've come so far with it.
But you still aren't free.
You are still Bulimic.
The hatred I have for my body right now is unreal.
I feel utterly disgusting.
Need normality so I can stay sane.

Friends.

When friends make progress.

It leaves me beaming.

I have such a happy feeling within me.

It's lovely to hear such positivity.

Devilish Sacrifice.

Them feelings again.
Accompanied by thoughts.
Of the devilish kind.
The self sacrificing.
I know some contradiction.
But it's hard to explain.
The pills, going comatose.
Just the thought.
It brings a smile to my face.
Escaping this nightmare.
Whilst slowly killing me.
It's keeping me alive.

Reasons Unknown.

Beyond emotional today.

For reasons unknown.

Tears running rivers down my face.

And I just feel so lost.

With such intensity.

Ranty Rant Rant.

It comes to a head.
You know when.
The fact that I'm ill,
They worry loads,
Are scared I'm going to kill myself etc etc.
Mean that I'm stopping them grieving.
Although the thoughts, urges ares scary.
And I fight like hell every day.
I've only had 1 trip to A&E this year.
I've not cut for over a year.
Maybe the problem is with you not me.
Using me as an excuse.
Yes I've got issues.
We all know that.
But maybe there are other people who need to face there's.

Talented Screw Up.

That was far too easy to do.
It's like I have this natural talent.
At screwing the fuck up.
My head feels wierd.
And eyes are heavy.
I don't want to sleep tonight.
No after the flashback last.

Whatever I am.

Clawing at my skin.

I'm feel all wrong.

Sobbing, and sobbing.

But yet I don't quite know why.

Disliking myself.

Or maybe the person I've become.

I'm not sure I remember which.

It's ever so confusing.

Whatever I am.

Whatever I may be.

What did I actually do.

To hate myself this way. 

I ask.

Kerplunk.

So triggered right now.

It's unbearable.

I feel close to kerplunk.

I want to escape the feels.

So scared.

Judged.

It's like they want to stress you out more.

And indeed that is truly working.

I need positive encouragement.

Away from doing something stupid.

I don't need reminders of my struggles.

Something that I'm constantly judged on.

And this is a big fear of mine.

It makes the urge to die.

So much higher.

Protection.

I have a session tomorrow.
There is so much going on.
I'm wobbling, greatly.
I can't talk about it though.
The new realizations.
It's too dangerous.
If I talk, people get hurt.
I won't let that happen.
I need to keep everyone safe, protected.
Even if it means harming to do that.
They will act otherwise.

Sedation.

Just let me relax.
To the core of my being.
And stop this war.
Just let me sleep.

Life and Death.

Is another loss heading my way..

And I don't mean a friendship.

I mean a life, a 23yr old life.

My heart is wrenching one again.

The thought of this frightens me.

It's a life and death situation.

Realizations.

And I realise now, due to her, 

Me and dad we were never going to have a positive relationship. 

But I don't think she intended for this to happen whatsoever. 

I think she just wanted me to be on her side. 

Saying negative things constantly about someone to a young child.

Is going to turn them again that person, its brainwashing.

Being asked from a young kid for marriage advice.

Telling me many a time she was thinking of divorce.

At too young an age I knew what that meant.

When I should have been carefree.

And not worrying about adult stuff.

I told her to leave him so many times.

It's really sad to think about.

Yes he did some awful things.

But there was good in him as well.

I'm glad I was able to see that before we lost him.

Why did I not see all this sooner?!