Life.

I feel so hopeless and lost.
No where to run, no where to hide.
Not when the demons are in your own mind.
And its things you can't change.
I should be happy.
It's December, nearly Xmas.
But I'm scared.
Dad's gone.
Not that I ever had a relationship with him till the end.
And mum just well..
Its hard to explain.
I'll never be good enough for her.
Never was for dad either.
I'm not going to succeed like the average kid.
Because of how my mental health impacts my life.
All I see is the disappointment.
And all the rest of the negative things.
I have to hold myself back,
Walk on egg shells just so as not to upset her.
Because it impacts on her an awful lot didn't I know.
She keeps on telling me this.
Like it never enters my mind.
Hell I keep away so much just to protect you.
I keep so much unsaid so not to hurt you.
One thing I cannot do is change the fact I'm ill.
I do not choose to be this way.
I hate being like this.
I despise myself.
But I do know I'm a thoughtful, caring and kind person.
I'd never do anything to intentionally hurt her.
I'm never going to be that perfect daughter she desires.
Not even close, not that she seems to accept that.
Shouldn't it just be about happiness or being content.
I just feel so pressured.
To get a job, get in a relationship, do driving lessons etc.
None of that is even going to happen if I'm dead.
Or depressed, anxious and isolating.
Oh golly...