Lonely NYE.

NYE sucks.

Drinking is no fun on your own.

Over the hols should be.

Feeling Possessed.

I feel fucking possessed.

Like the devils inside of me.

I'm on high alert.

Please make this end.

This is scaring me.

Falling Apart.

So nearly a years gone by.

Since that night.

The night I got raped.

Falling apart right now.

Trying to put on a brave face.

Don't want to ruin xmas.

Realizations.

I've come to the realization.

That I can get through this.

And I believe so can you.

Please don't leave me.

Workout.

Was well in need of that workout (:

Empty Nothing.

I want to rid my soul.

Of all the diseases within.

Be free of the devil.

The monster that consumes me.

But if you drain me of that.

Will I just be a shell.

An empty nothing.

Trying Not To Stress.

Screwed up today.

I can't win either way.

Trying not to stress.

Evil Inside Of Me.

There's so much evil inside of me.

I need to destroy it.

I'm such a terrible person.

Distraction From Food.

I need to distract myself from food.

I don't want to end up bingeing.

Well I do, but I don't.

Because if I do I'll end up feeling like shit.

Men.

There's no men I trust.

None whatsoever.

They all have some agenda.

It's Poison.

Food is bad,

It's evil, it's poison.

Why do I keep doing this to myself.

It's over.

Regret.

Last night I was a mess.

I regret that, it got completely out of hand.

I'm worried about seeing Kris again.

I was such a state.

Exploding Heads.

I think I might have to get high.

These thoughts are overwhelming my mind.

My head is gonna explode.

Weight Off Of My Mind.

So I got most of my xmas present shopping done.

Now that's a weight off of my mind.

I can relax a bit now.

Tired Of Fighting.

So tired of fighting.

Fighting and distracting myself from the urge.

The urge to end my life, to die.

I've Changed.

I've changed.

And not for the better.

I feel like I'm falling.

Maybe into a depression.

I don't know.

All I do know is that I'm isolating myself.

This is always a sign.

A sign things are going downhill.

Destroy, Destroying, Destroy.

Destroy what's destroying you, before it does destroy you completely.

Money To Burn.

I got some money to burn.

Destroying Food.

Destroying food.

That's what it's come to.

It's taking over my mind.

And destroying me.

Home Treatment Team.

HTT were meant to come.

I don't expect they'll ever turn up.

I'm not holding my breathe.

What is the point it them.

Am I not worth helping.

Is that what it is.

Too Many People.

There are too many people in my head.

Leave me alone.

Let me relax, please.

Twinnie.

My twinnie got leave yesterday.

So I got to see my angel (:

Happy happy girl!

Wasn't Meant To Be.

It obviously wasn't meant to be.

Not sure how I feel on that.

Don't know what I feel about much at the moment.

I feel lost.

Is It?

Is it my time or is it not?

Nobody knows.

Least of all me.

Planned Admission.

They're talking about a planned admission.
Not sure how I feel about that.
I'm not well at all am I.

End It.

ED's Kill.

I'm such a vile pig.

Why don't you just KMN.

Breaking.

Feel as though I'm on the edge.
I'm slipping away.
Don't know how much longer I can take this.
I want support.
But tomorrow seems like a lifetime away.

Part Of Me Is Missing.

Without you, I'm lost.

A big part of me is missing.

It makes me sad that I can't do anything to help you.

I just hope you get out soon.

How much longer I can go on without you.

I don't know.

I want you back.

In Memory Of You.

I hope you know we had a meal in memory of you.

We all love and miss you dear John.

I will never ever forget you.

Don't Give Up.

You're Killing Me.

Food, food, food.

Please get out of my head.

You're killing me.

Yes I know.

Another day.

Three more drips.

When will it end.

It's my fault yes I know.

Dripping Away.

I'm stuck all day.

And I'm stuck all night.

Drip drip dripping.

Away I go.

So I Did It.

So I ended up in the general. 

Still here.

Don't remember much about it.

I've just been changed wards.

That scares me a lot.

They don't know me.

Or understand.

I'll probs end up self discharging, tomorrow. 

I'm so angry.

Me Ringing You.

What is the point in me ringing you? 

I mean really.

There isn't you never rang back.

I'm doing what I'm supposed to do.

Ringing you for support when I feel like doing something.

What do I get back off of you?

I'll tell you what, nothing.

You are meant to be my SW.

Goddammit do your job.

Hope You Rest Peacefully.

I'm  sorry that you've passed John.

You were such a caring decent honest man.

Hard to come by these days.

I'm hurting inside, I care about you so much.

Hope you rest peacefully <3

Max Twice.

Once a fortnight.

This is from now on.

Maximum twice.

Rather than like every other day.

Gross.

Don't ever want to eat anything again.

I feel so vile.

And disgusting.

Addiction.

I hate this addiction.

It's driving me insane.

But I can't stop, not on my own.

Skinnier.

Workout and diet in order.

I will be skinnier by christmas.

Without a doubt.

Benzos.

Wow it's no wonder 30mg Diazepam didn't touch me.

Apparently it's equivalent to 3mg Lorazepam.

Is it really safe to cut down.

That low, that quick.

I take 10mg Lorazepam most days.

20mg sometimes.

Desperate Hope.

Hopefully desperate.

Or desperately hopeful.

Which am I?

Conflicting Information.

Conflicting information.

Bouncing back and forth.

They just pick up on the negatives.

And just ignore the positives.

Then wonder why you have such low self-esteem.

A bit of praise wouldn't go a miss.

Every now and then.

Apparently I Look Like I OD.

You know things are bad.

When your mental health worker thinks you've overdosed.

Because you look and sound so terrible.

Even though you're not under the influence of anything.

Food.

It's crazy how food can make you feel.

So fucking disgusting.

Mood Swings.

My moods been all over the place.

Fine this morning.

Hysterical at lunch.

Hyper at tea.

And now I just feel empty and lost.

What is wrong with me.

Slice, Slice, Slice.

Feel like shit.

Wanna slice up.

So bad.

This is driving me crazy.

Section #6 million.

Pahahaha, sectioned.

What a joke.

Screwed.

Screwed.

They found out.

Must get better at hiding evidence.

Arghhhh!

Don't know what happened.
Woke up in ICU.
Been moved to ward 3.
My Potassium's low, apparently. 
Cut up to fuck.

Ruined my however many months free.

My angels struggling.

I'm so sorry.

Staff are gonna kill me when they find out.

Shitting hell.

Fail. Fail. Fail. Failure.
Got away with them taking my bp.

Deep Dark Place.

I'm in a deep dark place.

With nowhere and no one to turn to.

The people that can help, won't.

Nearly dying is not enough.

It doesn't warrant extra support, so it seems.

Obviously I'm not worth saving.

Can't Take This.

Just want to scream & shout.
Arghhhhhhhhh.
Really can not take this.

It's Over.

I've made up my mind.

Need to make the last preparations.

As sad as it is.

It's done, it's over.

I can't take this no longer.

Housing Troubles.

Another thing to add to all my troubles.

I'm potentially facing homelessness.

Someone has made another complaint against me.

I can easily bet on who.

It doesn't bother me too much.

I just wish people could understand.

 I don't mean to be this way.

Surprised.

Phoned the Crisis Team.

Was rather surprised, I have to say.

Actually spoke to someone decent.

First time ever, seriously.

She was called Kate.

Make a mental note.

A Hole.

All I have left to do it write the letter(s).

There is a certain sadness with that.

But theres a kind of numbness, a hole almost.

I guess I'm just full of emotion.

I feel content knowing the end is near.

Maybe that's not the right word.

But it's something like that.

Fuck Sake.

Thinsg are dfuked.

I just wna t to end ot all.

Jusr wann to fucking die.

Or for all thes shit to go awy/

Falling Apart.

I really want to get over this.

But I have no idea how to.

I'm falling apart right now majorly.

And I can't see a way out.

Racing Thoughts.

Mind please switch off.

Racing thoughts.

I'm going hundred mile an hour.

Feeling wired.

Twisted.

I'm slightly twisted at the moment.

Kind of excited, by the prospect of death.

Getting a cocktail of pills.

Hopefully it will be fatal this time.

Please let me rest peacefully.

Destroying Me.

The rape, the abuse, it's destroying me.

Making me an angry angry person.

With no healthy way to vent it.

It's eating me alive.

I'm certain it's going to be the death of me.

It's gonna be my suicide.

I can't take this.

Internal Battle With The Outside World.

Internal battle with the outside world.

All I know is that there is no way that I can win.

Get the thoughts out of my goddamn head.

Binge/Purge.

Really need to binge.

Ahhhhhhhh, I hate this.

Need to get through this urge.

Else all hell will break lose.

My craziness unleashed.

No Extra Support.

Nearly died last week.

But apparently don't need extra support.

Feeling rather let down and defeated.

Obviously I'm just not worth it.

No Hope.

All hope has gone.

And I'm purging again.

Ordered more pills.

Just want to be gone.

Suicide Awareness Day.

September 10th - Suicide Awareness Day

Rape.

I'M A DISGUSTING DIRTY SLAG

Scratch It.

Scratch getting high.

I want to overdose.

And die this time.

High As A Kite.

Want to get high.

High as a kite.

No fucking higher.

Fuck Sake.

Unconscious.

Ten drips.

Oxygen mask.

Nasal oxygen.

Catheter.

I'm still alive.

Fuck sake.