Sunday, 1 January 2017
My anxiety is crippling me, feels like my hearts in my mouth.
Butterflies in my stomach fluttering around.
Shaking me up inside, whilst outside I'm agitated.
The anger has taken hold, and why I do not know.
This isn't a good mix, my heads filled to bursting.
Some pressure needs freeing, but without the harm.
Saturday, 3 December 2016
I feel so hopeless and lost.
No where to run, no where to hide.
Not when the demons are in your own mind.
And its things you can't change.
I should be happy.
It's December, nearly Xmas.
But I'm scared.
Not that I ever had a relationship with him till the end.
And mum just well..
Its hard to explain.
I'll never be good enough for her.
Never was for dad either.
I'm not going to succeed like the average kid.
Because of how my mental health impacts my life.
All I see is the disappointment.
And all the rest of the negative things.
I have to hold myself back,
Walk on egg shells just so as not to upset her.
Because it impacts on her an awful lot didn't I know.
She keeps on telling me this.
Like it never enters my mind.
Hell I keep away so much just to protect you.
I keep so much unsaid so not to hurt you.
One thing I cannot do is change the fact I'm ill.
I do not choose to be this way.
I hate being like this.
I despise myself.
But I do know I'm a thoughtful, caring and kind person.
I'd never do anything to intentionally hurt her.
I'm never going to be that perfect daughter she desires.
Not even close, not that she seems to accept that.
Shouldn't it just be about happiness or being content.
I just feel so pressured.
To get a job, get in a relationship, do driving lessons etc.
None of that is even going to happen if I'm dead.
Or depressed, anxious and isolating.
Monday, 28 November 2016
I really need to learn the art of relaxation.
It is something I truly suck at.
Holding a lot of stress in my body doesn't help.
I've never been able to just sit without feeling the tension.
Not always mentally but physically I mean.
I'm in need of a good massage.
But it feeling comfortable enough to let someone touch me.
I mean it's pretty a intimate situation.
Saturday, 12 November 2016
Sleep is becoming troublesome again.
And my anxiety has heightened.
I can not let the paranoia take hold.
I don't want to be imprisoned again.
The outside world is scary.
It's something I have to face though.
I'd rather that than the sheer isolation.
Jumping at every drop of a needle.
Hiding behind the curtains because I fear I'm being watched.
That's not a Life.
That's being trapped by an illness.
Wednesday, 9 November 2016
Positive day even without the best start.
Nice and relaxed, without urges flowing.
Or racing mind and intrusive thoughts.
A day where my creative ideas can flow.
And my awkward social skills are less awkward.
It's nice to just breathe.
And have a good day.
Monday, 7 November 2016
Stuffing my emotions down a lot.
Trying to hold it together.
Impulsive though my mind.
Binging on intolerable amounts.
The numbers on the scales rocket.
My purse is looking empty.
I see my body, I feel the guilt.
Tops of my thighs touching with fat.
I exercise and exercise.
Multiple times a day.
But the binging still remains.
I'm just in one big sorry cycle.