Pathetic.

It's so fucking ridiculous.

That is all for now.

Incompetant.

Can't believe that.

Really can't.

It's absolutely disgusting.

They'll treat me for my physical problems fine.

But refuse to do a psych eval on me.

Clearly if I've overdosed.

Or cut, both even.

It's clear I need one.

Some people are unbelievable.

Frankie.

That one person.

Who can lift your mood.

Bring a smile to your face.

And brighten your day.

Shes my rock.

Nothing Left.

How the hell do I fix things.

Get my life on some sort of track.

I have no ideas left.

There is no fight left in me anymore.

Trapped between life and death.

I just want to sleep forever.

Bulimia.

Those feelings.

I hate them.

They happen every time.

Why do I not learn.

Binge eat and you will want to die, stupid.

Fuck you, bulimia.

You are destroying me.

Lost Time.

I hate it.

People telling me of things I've done.

Stuff I know nothing about.

It's scary.

And quite disturbing.

What if theres other stuff thats happened.

What if I've hurt someone.

Or someones hurt me.

God I dread to think.

I wonder how I act.

When I'm in that mental state.

Am I a completely different person.

Can I get my anger out.

Maybe it's something I should quit thinking about.

It's not like I can do anything to make it stop.

I have no capacity at those times.

Gah.

KILL.

ME.

NOW.

I.

CANT.

FUCKING.

COPE.

WITH.

LIFE.

Pills going down my throught pronto.

Millbrook.

Still inpatient :( hopefully be discharged soon.

Personality Disorder.

Ha. Apparently I've got one. Assessment for it on Monday. Still in bloody hospital.

Busted.

Pale, I'm still fucked on vodka and now they know. That'll be leave and fag breaks taken away :/ don't they yet that being here makes me want to get fucked up more than ever. Like seriously.

Alki.

You have no idea how much I want a bottle of vodka right now :/

Omg.

Fuck sake still in this god damn place :( sending me head west!

In for another week.

So much shits happened the past few days what a fucking idiot I am. Necking a whole bottle of vodka whilst I was on fag break walk back to the ward thinking they wouldn't notice at all. Remember one of staff come looking for me and he could tell straight away, walked me back in. Don't remember a thing after that. Been told I collapsed and then when they got me to my room I was bashing into everything so they put me in the lp room and I fully kicked off.

Assessment.

Hopefully I'll get discharged tomorrow.

Apologies

Sorry haven't post recently been on a psych ward.

Love all you guys x

Adelfi

Back here again fucking psych wards :(

Love all you from pt x

Death.

I hope this is the end.

Vodka and benzos.

Please work this time.

Darkness.

Die, die, die.

Not happy.

Arghhh.

 

Released Today.

Got discharged from the psych ward today.

Three times in the space of a month.

Not good.

Been in hospital since wednesday.

I wish I'd of died.

It was a serious suicide attempt.

I was so out of it.

Don't remember much.

Came back to a flat covered in blood.

I feel so hopeless.

And overwhelmed at the same time.

I wish things were better.

I'm trying so hard.

Run.

I feel like I should just go.

Just run away.

Escape from life.

Shut Up.

My heads two-ing and throwing all over the place.

From one thing to the other.

Why won't you shut the fuck up.

God dammit already.

Who Knows.

What do I decide?

Supported housing god knows where.

Or being detained under Section 3.

Of the mental health act.

For 6 months at the most.

In the town where I live.

Over.

I want everything to end tonight.

For my life to be over.

I can't fight anymore.

Miss You.

I miss you.

More than you could ever imagine.

You had such a positive impact on my life.

Someone who I can trust.

Someone who would listen to me.

Always encouraging me.

You accept me for who I am.

I feel safe around you.

That is what matters to me the most.

You made me keep fighting.

Without you I want to give up.

Gave In.

I actually gave in.

Knew I would.

That voice always wears me down.

Can't change what I've done now.

Spent all my money.

On purpose.

So I can't eat.

Good or bad thing.

I'm not sure.

Starving makes me like me.

Yeah I know, fucked up.

Maybe the Anorexia is coming back.

Who knows.

I'd rather that than Bulimia.

So I ain't complaining.
Anorexia is not as much of a mind fuck.
Well for me anyway.
But I'd prefer to be ED free.

Hole Inside Me.

I'm never going to get rid of that hole.
It's always going to be there.

An empty black hole.

Just sucking the life out of me.

Along with Bulimia.

I feel so lost in myself.

Going Back.

Am I going back there?

Maybe I am.

I've got a gut feeling.

But I guess I'll find out for sure.

Well soon enough.

It'll be different this time.

If it happens that is.

Chances.

I want to tell her I'm done with her.

I can't take it anymore.

She doesn't deserve another chance.

I feel cruel saying that.

But she's ran out of chances.

Lets me down and crushes my hope each time.

Shes run out of chances.

I want a mum.

More than you could imagine.

Someone who doesn't let me down.

Unlike her.

Done With Anxiety.

Anxiety please go away.

Pounding heart.

Feelings of panic and dread.

Butterflies in my tummy.

Shortness of breath.

I'm done with you already.

Never Ending Battle.

So damn sick of life.

I just want it to be over already.

I'm tired of fighting.

Grow Up.

It's sad, it really is.

Grow the fuck up.

You're supposed to be my mother.

Not a bitchy teenager.

You've shown me your true colors.

You've blown your chances.

She Makes Me Hate Me.

She will be the end of me.

No one makes me hate myself more than you do.

You're supposed to be my mother.

Grow up.

Whats with the attitude.

You make me want to die.

Doctors Appointment.

Got doctors tomorrow.

So frickin' scared.

I'm panicking already.

Oh my god.

I hate anxiety.

Donating Money.

I'm being charitable.

Well only so I can get rid of money.

So I can't binge.

Well won't be able to soon.

The sooner the better.

It's not the only reason.

I love being able to give to charity.

It makes me feel good.

Giving money to charities.

Charities that are close to my heart.

Just Surviving.

Take it one day at a time.

Then maybe you'll survive.

Give yourself a break.

One step to far.

And it'll push you over.



Such A Mess.

I'm a right mess.

People around me think I'm doing okay.

But I'm not.

I'm really struggling.

Like totally.

Damn it I hate myself so much.

I just want it all to end.

Never Giving Up.

Bought some more benzos.

It's going to be my way out.

Well hopefully.

Food.

It is ruining my life.
I fucking hate it.
Makes me want to die.

Downer.

I'm on a downer today.

Really sad and mad.

I got knock myself out of this.

Stupid water weight.

You ruin my life.

Well along with food that is.

Wonderful People.

Some people are like miracles.

You guys deserve a medal.

I've got through the past couple of weeks.

And only really because of you guys.

Just being there.

Such a simple thing.

But it got me through the storm.



Mind Fuck Mother.

She's such a mind fuck.

Just reply already.

I'm gonna flip soon.

Making me a nervous wreck.

Like this.

You've read it I know.

Hacked your account didn't I.

Stupid, fucking idiot.

Why oh why.

Letting me down again.

As per usual.

Tensed Up.

I really want to cut today for some reason.

Probably scared about the email.

I'm all tense.

Worried as hell.

Haven't cut properly for ages.

Kind of want to overdose as well.

Hope I don't.

I hate waiting.

Surprise.

How I didn't gain, I don't know.

Especially after days of not eating.

Must have purged more than I thought.

It definately cheered me up though.

Felt rotten this morning.

Expected to go up a few kilos.

Think I may go the gym later.

Big Step.

So I sent the mother an email.

Got everything out.

Well most things anyway.

Hope she doesn't lose it.

I think it's helped.

I'm just anxious how she'll react.

No point dwelling on it though.

I've just got to remember none of the abuse was my fault.

Picture that young girl growing up.



Fucked Up My Day.

Despite making that breakthrough.

I binged and purged today.

Not good.

Well the binge wasn't but purging felt good.

And yes I know how fucked that sounds.

Food is now currently evil.

I hate it.

It ruins lives.

In so many different ways.

People staving because they can't afford it.

Those caught in an eating disorder.

Food addiction or phobia.

It tears lives apart.

Something you can't survive without.

It makes me sad.

And mad.

Especially when what I eat.

Just ends up being flushed down the loo after I bring it back up.

So selfish.



Breakthrough.

I think I had a bit of a breakthrough.

In therapy today that is.

Didn't see my usual person.

He's away for two weeks.

So I saw this really nice women instead.

We worked out that the feelings I had when I lived with the rents.

Worthless, fat, disgusting, hopeless, failure etc.

Are the same I get after bingeing.

And I think thats why eating makes me want to die.

Because eating may lead to bingeing.

I'm a pretty much all or nothing person.

Especially when it comes to eating.

I want to escape the feelings I felt at home.

But they come back to haunt me every time I binge.

And purgeing helps me get rid of the badness I feel inside of me.

When it leads me to overdose it's too escape those feelings.

Terrifying feelings.

Something I wouldn't wish on anyone.



Circle.

I'm in a vicious cycle.

Circle, whatever you want to call it.

If I eat something, however small.

My head screams at me to overdose.

I'm terrified to eat.

Because of how it makes me feel.

And knowing what I'll do.

I know not eating is bad.

Especially with a history of anorexia.

But short term, well in my head.

It's not as bad as overdosing everyday.

Being totally off your head.

On sleeping pills.

And lots of vodka.

Every time you end up in A&E.

They just send you home anyway.

It's appalling.

Rollercoaster.

This has been one crazy week.

Overdosed and ended up in hospital.

So many times.

I've lost count.

It's been most days.

Under the crisis team now.

Can't cope like this.
Not much longer.

Feel Like It Again.

I want to do it again.

Overdose I mean.

I'm so fucking stressed.

Struggling, fragile, frustrated.

I can't cope like this.

Need to get a bag prepared just in case.

Don't want to end up having nothing with me again.

That sent me fucking under.

What is the actual point in discharging someone?

And not providing them with extra support.

Obviously I wasn't coping with what help I had before.

How do they expect anything to change.

Nothings changed.

Psychiatric Ward.

I ended up on the psychiatric ward.

After the overdose.

Voluntarily of course.

Basically was sectioned though.

I asked to discharge myself.

And they said they'd section me.

If I did.

It made me so fucking angry.

As you can imagine.

I couldn't eat anything in there.

It was too fucking scary.

I haven't eating since coming out.

That was yesterday.

They told me if I didn't eat they'd discharge me.

Thought they were gonna say section me.

At the time.

Major lulz.

Still Fighting.

Can I hold on till this afternoon?

I really don't know.

Hope she takes me A&E if I do.

I think thats what I really need at the moment.

It's horrible not feeling safe with yourself.

I know I'm a risk.

I'm so frickin' anxious right now.

Suicidal Ideation.

I was so sure I'd overdose today.

My ED therapist phoned my support worker.

Told her to meet me so I would give her all my pills.

That wasn't going to happen.

I already told her I wouldn't hand them over.

But she phoned her anyway.

Anyway it didn't happen.

I got back to late from therapy.

So she left a note saying she'd popped round but I was out.

And to drop the pills off at the hostel if I wanted to.

Thats where she works.

And where I used to live.

I nearly overdosed when I got home.

I was so full of emotion.

But I rang the hostel to see if my worker was there.

She wasn't, but she had told the manager about the pills.

I broke down on the phone to her.

Unusual for me.

She asked me to come up for a chat.

I know if she hadn't done that I would've done it.

I still feel unsafe.

Tomorrow morning I'm seeing my support worker.

I might ask her if she'll take me to A&E.

To get assessed.

I'm too scared of going by myself.

Worried they won't take me seriously.

And send me home.

That'll just make me worse.

For sure.  

Good Day.

Today has been pretty good.

A productive day.

Full of helpful understanding people.

I feel more confident about my appeal now.

To get my benefits back.

The DWP won't know whats hit them.

With all the evidence I've got.



Sundays.

I've never been fond of them.

Not ever.

They just drag on.

And I can't keep my same routine.

As all the other days.

Because the shop shuts early.

Like four hours earlier than I would usually go.

And the gyms too busy at weekends.

It makes me too anxious to go.

Can you tell I don't like change?

Even the slightest.

It unsettles me.

Hunger Pangs.

Today is another crazy binge urge day.

Craving a binge makes me feel fat.

And feeling fat.

Makes me want to die.

I should just binge and purge today.

And die tomorrow.

Hunger pangs.

Please go to hell, right now.

It scares me what I will do if I binge.

Not A Good Day.

Today isn't the best.

If you haven't already realized.

My heads telling me to binge.

And purge.

One last time.

Then I get to die tomorrow.

Suicide by overdose.

I really want to.

I need to.

Feeling like this is exhausting.

I'm so tired.

Mentally and physically.

Its drained everything out of me.