Run.

I feel like I should just go.

Just run away.

Escape from life.

Shut Up.

My heads two-ing and throwing all over the place.

From one thing to the other.

Why won't you shut the fuck up.

God dammit already.

Who Knows.

What do I decide?

Supported housing god knows where.

Or being detained under Section 3.

Of the mental health act.

For 6 months at the most.

In the town where I live.

Over.

I want everything to end tonight.

For my life to be over.

I can't fight anymore.

Miss You.

I miss you.

More than you could ever imagine.

You had such a positive impact on my life.

Someone who I can trust.

Someone who would listen to me.

Always encouraging me.

You accept me for who I am.

I feel safe around you.

That is what matters to me the most.

You made me keep fighting.

Without you I want to give up.

Gave In.

I actually gave in.

Knew I would.

That voice always wears me down.

Can't change what I've done now.

Spent all my money.

On purpose.

So I can't eat.

Good or bad thing.

I'm not sure.

Starving makes me like me.

Yeah I know, fucked up.

Maybe the Anorexia is coming back.

Who knows.

I'd rather that than Bulimia.

So I ain't complaining.
Anorexia is not as much of a mind fuck.
Well for me anyway.
But I'd prefer to be ED free.

Hole Inside Me.

I'm never going to get rid of that hole.
It's always going to be there.

An empty black hole.

Just sucking the life out of me.

Along with Bulimia.

I feel so lost in myself.

Going Back.

Am I going back there?

Maybe I am.

I've got a gut feeling.

But I guess I'll find out for sure.

Well soon enough.

It'll be different this time.

If it happens that is.

Chances.

I want to tell her I'm done with her.

I can't take it anymore.

She doesn't deserve another chance.

I feel cruel saying that.

But she's ran out of chances.

Lets me down and crushes my hope each time.

Shes run out of chances.

I want a mum.

More than you could imagine.

Someone who doesn't let me down.

Unlike her.

Done With Anxiety.

Anxiety please go away.

Pounding heart.

Feelings of panic and dread.

Butterflies in my tummy.

Shortness of breath.

I'm done with you already.

Never Ending Battle.

So damn sick of life.

I just want it to be over already.

I'm tired of fighting.

Grow Up.

It's sad, it really is.

Grow the fuck up.

You're supposed to be my mother.

Not a bitchy teenager.

You've shown me your true colors.

You've blown your chances.

She Makes Me Hate Me.

She will be the end of me.

No one makes me hate myself more than you do.

You're supposed to be my mother.

Grow up.

Whats with the attitude.

You make me want to die.

Doctors Appointment.

Got doctors tomorrow.

So frickin' scared.

I'm panicking already.

Oh my god.

I hate anxiety.

Donating Money.

I'm being charitable.

Well only so I can get rid of money.

So I can't binge.

Well won't be able to soon.

The sooner the better.

It's not the only reason.

I love being able to give to charity.

It makes me feel good.

Giving money to charities.

Charities that are close to my heart.

Just Surviving.

Take it one day at a time.

Then maybe you'll survive.

Give yourself a break.

One step to far.

And it'll push you over.



Such A Mess.

I'm a right mess.

People around me think I'm doing okay.

But I'm not.

I'm really struggling.

Like totally.

Damn it I hate myself so much.

I just want it all to end.

Never Giving Up.

Bought some more benzos.

It's going to be my way out.

Well hopefully.

Food.

It is ruining my life.
I fucking hate it.
Makes me want to die.

Downer.

I'm on a downer today.

Really sad and mad.

I got knock myself out of this.

Stupid water weight.

You ruin my life.

Well along with food that is.

Wonderful People.

Some people are like miracles.

You guys deserve a medal.

I've got through the past couple of weeks.

And only really because of you guys.

Just being there.

Such a simple thing.

But it got me through the storm.



Mind Fuck Mother.

She's such a mind fuck.

Just reply already.

I'm gonna flip soon.

Making me a nervous wreck.

Like this.

You've read it I know.

Hacked your account didn't I.

Stupid, fucking idiot.

Why oh why.

Letting me down again.

As per usual.

Tensed Up.

I really want to cut today for some reason.

Probably scared about the email.

I'm all tense.

Worried as hell.

Haven't cut properly for ages.

Kind of want to overdose as well.

Hope I don't.

I hate waiting.

Surprise.

How I didn't gain, I don't know.

Especially after days of not eating.

Must have purged more than I thought.

It definately cheered me up though.

Felt rotten this morning.

Expected to go up a few kilos.

Think I may go the gym later.

Big Step.

So I sent the mother an email.

Got everything out.

Well most things anyway.

Hope she doesn't lose it.

I think it's helped.

I'm just anxious how she'll react.

No point dwelling on it though.

I've just got to remember none of the abuse was my fault.

Picture that young girl growing up.



Fucked Up My Day.

Despite making that breakthrough.

I binged and purged today.

Not good.

Well the binge wasn't but purging felt good.

And yes I know how fucked that sounds.

Food is now currently evil.

I hate it.

It ruins lives.

In so many different ways.

People staving because they can't afford it.

Those caught in an eating disorder.

Food addiction or phobia.

It tears lives apart.

Something you can't survive without.

It makes me sad.

And mad.

Especially when what I eat.

Just ends up being flushed down the loo after I bring it back up.

So selfish.



Breakthrough.

I think I had a bit of a breakthrough.

In therapy today that is.

Didn't see my usual person.

He's away for two weeks.

So I saw this really nice women instead.

We worked out that the feelings I had when I lived with the rents.

Worthless, fat, disgusting, hopeless, failure etc.

Are the same I get after bingeing.

And I think thats why eating makes me want to die.

Because eating may lead to bingeing.

I'm a pretty much all or nothing person.

Especially when it comes to eating.

I want to escape the feelings I felt at home.

But they come back to haunt me every time I binge.

And purgeing helps me get rid of the badness I feel inside of me.

When it leads me to overdose it's too escape those feelings.

Terrifying feelings.

Something I wouldn't wish on anyone.



Circle.

I'm in a vicious cycle.

Circle, whatever you want to call it.

If I eat something, however small.

My head screams at me to overdose.

I'm terrified to eat.

Because of how it makes me feel.

And knowing what I'll do.

I know not eating is bad.

Especially with a history of anorexia.

But short term, well in my head.

It's not as bad as overdosing everyday.

Being totally off your head.

On sleeping pills.

And lots of vodka.

Every time you end up in A&E.

They just send you home anyway.

It's appalling.

Rollercoaster.

This has been one crazy week.

Overdosed and ended up in hospital.

So many times.

I've lost count.

It's been most days.

Under the crisis team now.

Can't cope like this.
Not much longer.