I think I had a bit of a breakthrough.
In therapy today that is.
Didn't see my usual person.
He's away for two weeks.
So I saw this really nice women instead.
We worked out that the feelings I had when I lived with the rents.
Worthless, fat, disgusting, hopeless, failure etc.
Are the same I get after bingeing.
And I think thats why eating makes me want to die.
Because eating may lead to bingeing.
I'm a pretty much all or nothing person.
Especially when it comes to eating.
I want to escape the feelings I felt at home.
But they come back to haunt me every time I binge.
And purgeing helps me get rid of the badness I feel inside of me.
When it leads me to overdose it's too escape those feelings.
Terrifying feelings.
Something I wouldn't wish on anyone.
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