Passed Out.

Hopefully this week will be better than the last.
Cut my neck and ligatured.
To the point of passing out.
It should scare me.
It doesn't though.
It felt so good.
Slipping away.
I want that feeling again.

Chaos.

The past few days have been chaotic.
There has been positives though.
But I feel the negatives overshadow them.
Getting violent, punching D.
Purging mostly everything.
Cutting deeply.
At least I'm dissociated somewhat now.
The numbness is what I need.
I cannot tolerate much more.
Can't move soon enough!

Cutting.

I'm cutting again.
This is bad.
Do I want to stop?
I'm not sure.
Could I if I tried?
Maybe not.
It's so addictive.
The blood.
The rush.
Everything.

Placement.

So I got assessed today.
By the place in Nottingham.
Apparently it's likely to be a yes.
It's a high dependency unit.
Am I really that ill?

Anniversaries.

Today has been difficult.

These last few weeks have also.

Would like to say I've coped.

Quite well I think, especially today.

I wish I'd cried more though.

We all need a good cry.

I need it out my system.

Binge/Purge.

Pizza. Cookies.

Ice cream. Fizz.

Purging.

Staff = Awkward.

Stuffing Down.

I want to binge.

I want to purge.

Like never before.

Stuffing down emotions.

Over and over and over.

Till there's nothing left to feel.

Till everything's numb.

Coming To Terms.

Is this something I'll ever get used to.

Something I'll ever come to terms with.

Should I be able to.

Maybe not.

Upset.

I need to write this down.

Get it out of my head.

Fuck you people.

Fuck you all.

I'm crying.

For Frankie.

For Gemma.

For Emily.

For me.

Sense Of Control.

Back on this path again.

Controlling every damn thing.

Such a control freakkk.

Coffee, coke, apples.

See this last.

Plan Of Action.

So much self hate.

I need to change.

Stop the b/ping.

Restrict.

Exercise.

POA.

Two Strips.

Give me a pen and I'm creative.

Well I found it, it wasn't given.

Tore two strips off my sheets.

I'm way too pleased about this.

I can ligature if needs be.

Having something to harm with.

You have no idea how free that makes me feel.

I can finally just take the edge off.

Not yet, but at some point.

No Leave.

They screwed with me today.

Stopped my leave.

Kept me waiting for an answer.

For three whole hours.

Just to be told no.

I hadn't even done wrong.

I was just sad this morning.

But I did engage with staff.

How am I ever going to get home.

Can't even have 30 mins escorted leave.

It all seems hopeless.

Through And Through.

I'm not taking my meds properly.

Thankfully they haven't forced them yet.

And hopefully they won't.

I'm withdrawing from Venlafaxine.

I can feel it, the electric sensations.

Why I'm not taking it I don't fully know.

Part of it's due to me not being unwell.

So no need for happy pills.

I want to go through withdrawal. 

As horrible as it is I deserve it.

I am a bad person.

Through and through.

Inpatient.

Gosh it's been a while.

Currently an inpatient, detained on a Section 2.

It isn't helping, if anything I feel worse.

I'm sad, I'm very angry.

I'm fighting against the staff.

They are trying there best.

But I'm not unwell, I'm just a bad person.

Why will no one believe that!

It's rather frustrating.

Mixed Day.

Today was a funny one.

M's birthday.

M's funeral.

Seeing him.

What have I done wrong?

Too Busy.

Cut and purged.

Not been caught thankfully.

They are to busy with supper.

Don't have the time to speak to me.

I'd only be mithering anyway.

He's Coming.

How am I going to deal with this.

The funeral is going ahead and he's going.

Falling apart right now.

Will I cope.

F & M.

Inpatient again.

Well there goes my fun.

Picking at wounds.

Its not enough.

I need a high.

I miss her so much.

And now with M.

Its all too much.

Want to get out.

Snorting.

Snorting bad shit.

I feel relaxed yet want to self harm.

I need me some vodka.

Or just any booze.

I need it to be bad.

Bad enough for stitches.

How fucked am I?

Like Death.

I feel like death today.

So so depressed.

No motivation.

All I want is pills.

To get knocked out.

Testing.

Research meds have come.

Etizolam to be precise.

Trying them out now.

Feeling more relaxed already.

I'm already feel some clarity.

My minds gone so clear.

I'm also smiling.

That is a good sign.

Research Meds.

I found some research meds.

Similar to benzo's but stronger.

I want to try each of them.

To see if they help with my anxiety.

I know I shouldn't be self medicating.

But my anxiety is crippling at times.

I often feel like a prisoner in my own home.

It can be that hard to get out.

And experience the real world.

Something needs to change.

Ate Well.

I'm feeling more positive today.

I've managed to eat well.

Which is the first time in days.

No binge/purge episodes thankfully.

Hopefully I can keep this up.

I want to lose around 10 pounds.

For my trip to Prestatyn.

Which is 21 days away.

Maybe I'm being unrealistic.

Exercising should help.

I need to do some.

Can't Go On.

I feel quite low today.

Had so many bad urges.

How I've got through I don't know.

I really hope better days are coming.

Things have got to change.

I can't go on like this.

It's killing me.

Perception.

Medication is all sorted.

She wasn't angry at me.

The anger was with herself.

Sounds like she was tired to.

Maybe I perceived it wrong.

It wouldn't be the first time.

Thinking the worst.

Falling.

I think I'm falling into depression.

Falling into my old ways.

I should take my Olanzapine.

Maybe it will help.

Urges are so intense.

Bad Bulimic.

I'm really not good today.

Binged so I could purge.

Only managed to bring up half.

Such an epic fail.

I'm not even a good bulimic.

Now I have all this grossness.

It's all inside of me.

I am rotten to the core.

Doctors.

So I've got the GP soon.

Why so very anxious, I really don't know.

Things are going relatively well.

So it really should be a breeze.

Just need to have my meds reviewed.

I hope she lets me have Diazepam.

I really really need some.

Hoping she keep her end of the bargain.

I have recently so why not.

Mother's Day.

So it's mother's day today.

I sent her some nice flowers.

Which she appreciated.

I just hope my brother gave a present.

Normally I buy a present from him.

I didn't do that this year.

Figured he was old enough to sort it.

Maybe that was selfish of me.

I'll see her tomorrow.

I hope she likes my present.

It's not something she asked for.

But why choose the easy option.

Disgrace.

I go and do stupid things.

Like fucking up a whole day.

Stuffing your face, greedy.

Only to bring it all back up.

You completely disgust me.

What a disgrace.

Breathing Techniques.

So things are not all bad.

I've just started psychotherapy.

And she's given me some skills.

Breathing techniques.

One is surprisingly helpful.

And actually helps calm me.

Who would have thought it.

Fearful Things.

It's rather funny.

The things that you fear the most.

Are the things will actually help.

Oh the cruel irony.

Sending you down fear fighting paths.

Making you stronger still.

6 Months.

So it's been 6 months.

Can hardly believe it.

Am I supposed to forget the pain.

They say I'm a fighter.

And they're probably right.

It means I can't give up.

No matter how much I want to.

I just want to be with you.

Is that so very wrong.

Shifting Weight.

My weight needs shifting.

Once and for all.

I know I can do this.

Whether you're behind me.

Or whether you're not.

No crap in whatsoever.

I can sure do this.

Weight I've put on.

Since taking Olanzipine.

Its coming right off and more.

Stars.

It's hard without you here.

But I'll cope I have to.

Looking at the stars.

Have you wished on one.

We'll both be under the same sky.

Tonight all night.

Rocky.

I really need to keep it.

Keep you guys up on my life.

I've had a rocky time of it.

With a few hospital admissions.

Plus the delightful dissociation.

I am still here fighting.

Up & Down.

Been up and down.

That's to say the least.

Suicidal lows.

Manic highs.

Or just high on life.

And other substances.

I can't keep up.

Dissociation.

I've lost time today.

It went missing somehow.

I was dissociated.

Whilst in that state I overdosed.

On the Tramadol.

Don't know how many.

But I'm feeling rough.

Scared to sleep.

In case I don't wake up.

I don't want to die.

What.

So dieing is my choice.

I'm allowed to.

It's what I want.

What is this.

Black Hole.

I feel utterly miserable.

Hate feeling like this.

Everything is the enemy.

I need to sleep forever.

Want to be swallowed up.

I'm in a black hole.

The Wrong Thing.

So I did the wrong thing.

I overdosed on my olanzipine.

Going to get in shit tomorrow.

But right now all I feel is bliss.

The voices have finally shut up.

I wish I felt like this all the time.

How lovely that would be.

Close To Tears.

The voices are loud.

So much pressure in my head.

Feel I'm on the verge of something bad.

Cannot get them to shut up.

Or even just pipe down a bit.

It's absolutely horrendous.

I'm so close to tears.

Stuff My Emotions.

I just want to stuff my emotions down.

And have them completely obliterated.

It's all a rather confusing mess.

I want to feel, but at the same time,

I don't want to feel anything at all.

Wishing I could just stay permanently high.

Oh life would be just a dream then.

Damn Anxiety.

My stomach is in knots.

She noticed I was on edge.

Need to keep it on a level.

Its too high right now.

Damn bloody anxiety.

Bulimic.

Really wanting to b/p.

Can't afford to at the weight I am.

But still want it so badly.

What is the driving factor.

I don't know.

The Enemy.

I've had enough of this.

It's gone on for too long.

Need to radically change my eating.

Shift at least a stone in weight.

Probably more like double that.

I can't bear to look at myself.

It brings tears to my eyes.

Feel I've become something I'm not.

It's beginning to tear me apart.

Don't want anyone seeing me.

Food is once again the enemy.

Honestly it always has been.

Missing You.

It's been over 4 months since you passed.

How we got to here I don't really know.

Somehow I've managed to survive.

Maybe I'm much stronger than I think.

Or maybe it's the fact that there is no emotion.

I want to feel so badly, I want to scream and cry.

Being able to do that would be some normality.

But no I can't, I think it's a protective factor.

How I manage to get through everything.

Dissociation coming to good use for once.

I do miss you dearly I really do.

And I just wish I could show you that.

I hope you know just how much I care.

I like to think that you are up there protecting us.

When I think about how caring you were.

You most probably are.

Medication Time.

So back on the meds.

Hopefully back to some normality.

I guess I have to accept it.

That I do need them.

To function in reality.

Change And Pronto.

My life needs to change.

Stop the constant thoughts.

The bad plans.

Binges and purges.

I need to start living.

And pronto.

No More.

I'm stopping the olanzipine.

Totally my choice.

It may shut the voices up.

But I now see that as a bad thing.

I need to hear what they're saying.

What they need me to do.

People will get hurt if not.

I can't let that happen.

Jealous.

Why oh why do I do this.

Its screwing up my life.

Like big time.

Why can't I be normal.

I get so jealous of people.

How they just eat normally.

Without a care in the world.

Purge Urges.

Urges to binge, once again.

Think it's more I want to purge.

I'm trying to resist so hard.

Don't want to give in.

Duvet Day.

Sleepy time still.

Sedated a bit to much.

Not regretting it.

Today is a duvet day.

Watching films in bed.

All snuggled up.

So Many, So Much.

Sorting out the hol today.

Gran Caneria here we come.

So much saving to do.

So many things to buy.

Much weight needs shifting.

And all pronto.

To Escape.

I'm flying high.

Needed to escape.

Only for a while.

I'm feeling pretty chill.

I want that to stay.

Prescribed.

J said she can get me benzo's prescribed.

She'd rather that than me take stuff off the internet.

I'd be sensible with them of course.

It'd save me money too.

Win win situation.

Shift This Weight.

Need to shift this weight.

It's getting me down.

I don't want to see anyone.

I don't want to do anything.

Want the world to swallow me up.

I am so fucking huge.

It's disgusting.

Not A Legit Adult.

Not taken any benzos yet today.

I'm impulsive with out them.

Just bought more stuff I can't afford.

So I'm in the red once again.

I'm so not a legit adult.

Complicated Life.

Not remembering to pay bills.

And spending money I haven't got.

Oh what a complicated life.

Can't I be a child for just a while.

Leads To Another.

Never purged so much in my life.

I am so disgustingly gross.

All I want to do now is cut.

Or cry or just get high.

One just leads to another.

It's a vicious cycle.

Holidays.

I need to start saving.

Saving big style.

Got holidays to pay for.

Passport forms to sort.

Summer clothes to buy.

Lots of them.

Exciting News.

I have exciting news.

I'm going on another holiday.

To Tenerife with Em and Sarah.

Possibly Juliette too.

28 Stiches,

I cut bad last night,

Needed 28 stiches.

Just say I am a naughty girl.

And leave it at that.

Freaking Idiot.

I walked out of A&E. 
I felt like a fraud. And wasting peoples times.

I'm home now hoping they won't get police out to find me.

Fingers crossed they won't.

What am I going to do about my wounds.

God only knows, I am such a freaking idiot.

I just want to chill.

.

"Bad" Food.

So I ate "bad" food tonight.

Then I ended up purging.

It made me feel so much better.

As fucked up as that sounds.

Now I'm high trying to forget.

To forget it all happened.

I'm so euphoric right now.

I love my benzos, my happy pills.

They are magic.

Positive Start.

Things are off to a positive start today.

I passed my second assignment.

Really pleased about that.

As parts of it were quite hard.

It makes me feel like I have a purpose.

So I am glad to be doing it.

Need To Sort It.

I really need to sort my eating.

It's getting rather out of hand.

And it's making me feel negative.

Worsening my anxiety as well.

Need to think of a plan of action.

Two Down.

Finished my second assignment.

Two down only four to go.

That's if I get a pass.

Fingers crossed I do.

Think I did a good job.

I feel glad to get that one over.

Part of it was about suicide.

Bit of a hard topic right now.

But I managed it.

And safely.

Heartless.

I feel completely heartless.

I still don't feel much.

It angers me in some ways.

Feel I should have fell apart.

But I didn't, I still haven't.

Am I just a ticking time bomb.

Or is this the dissociation.

Helping me safely through.

Time For Fun.

Planning lots to look forward to.

This year has just got to be good.

I've had some difficult times.

So now time for some fun.

Holiday to Gran Caneria planned.

Got tickets to see Ed Sheeran.

Also got tickets to see Thriller.

Think thats a good start.

Plenty more to come.

Succeeded.

Managed to go out for a walk, as challenged.

It was rather anxiety provoking doing it.

Nearly had a panic attack at one point.

But I succeeded in what I set out to do.

Amy wins, anxiety lost.

You won't control me.

Anxiety Challenged.

Had a good talk with my care co.

She's challenged me to get out the flat.

Just once a day for a walk round the park.

It may sound rather easy to you.

But for someone with high anxiety.

It certainly isn't that simple.

To The Core.

It's days like this.

I hate myself to the core.

They remind me of my problems.

Ones I may never overcome.

And that really saddens me.

Makes me want to die.

But this feeling will change.

In only a matter of days.

I'll be safe once again.

Prize Heffer.

So annoyed right now.

I've binged and purged.

Like a prize heffer.

Ruined all my hard work.

My effort to be healthy.

And my happiness.

Ridiculous Urges.

The most ridiculous urges.

To cut my neck, seriously.

What the hell is wrong with me.

This is not normal.

My day has been good.

So why am I getting urges.

It doesn't make sense.

Day One Of Healthy.

So today was my first day of healthy.
I had blueberries and pink lady apples.
Lentil soup and chicken & veg soup.
Then had some steamed vegetables.
All in all a fantastic start.
Bring on day two.

Wounds.

Wounds from last night are bad.

Can't even remember doing them.

Things are such a blur.

Probably the sleepers.

I should have got stitches.

Too late now though.

Fresh Start.

Going to try and start a fresh.

With my eating of course.

Blocked my downfall dominos.

Hopefully that'll help somewhat.

Plus getting in lots of fruit and veg.

I can eat that to my hearts content.

I'll need to work on the restricting.

To allow me to do that.

Going to get a multi cooker.

So I can have some variety.

Also going to get a wii mini.

In hopes to do more exercise.

But in an enjoyable way.

Rather than focusing on calories.

Wish me luck.

Never Forgive.

Mum said she'd never forgive him.

For what he did to me.

First time she's acknowledged he did wrong.

I should feel relieved but I don't.

It's made me start thinking about it again.

Maybe I need to, I don't know.

What I'm feeling isn't good.

Wish the world would swallow me up.

Utterly Disgusting.

Feeling a binge purge session coming on.

Why do I have to be so utterly disgusting.

Mum doesn't know how my eating got this bad.

She didn't bring me up this way at all.

We always had food on the table.

I was lucky compared to some kids.

Won't Enable.

Some people really annoy me.

I was in unwell in hospital.

And you think it's okay to ask me that.

Asking me to enable someone to od.

To harm themselves.

If you want pills go get them yourself.

I won't be responsible for you.

Especially going down that path. 

You have to take some responsibility.

I may sound like a hypocrite.

But it's dangerous and risky.

So I won't enable anyone.

Not to do that.

Inpatient.

So I ended up IP again.

Just over new year.

It was a hard time.

But it really helped.

It kept me safe.

And I'm thankful for that.

I'm more positive now.

Although it's still rocky.

My anxiety is rather high.

Really need to contain it.

So I can have a life.

A fulfilling one.