Her.

Oh jeez.

Got the bloody mother coming over tomorrow.

I want to die.

Cutting.

What To FUCKING CUT.

ARGHHHHH.

I already did it yesterday so why not today.

Things have just got worsel

RAAWWWWR.

Bad Day.

So yesterday didn't exactly go to plan.

Drank far far too much.

Took took far many to benzos.

Collapsed on the side of a main road.

Ended up with a night in the hospital.

Oh Joy.

The Shakes.

Why can't I stop frickin shaking.

My whole bodies going for it.

Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez

Sick Of Things.

That's how I feel right now.

Gah.

Mothers.

Need I say more.

I don't think so.

She's A Lot Like The Mother.

What a horrible realization.

God that sounds really mean.

I was thinking before.

And my ex is quite a lot like the mother.

Verbally abusive and controlling.

But also very protective of me.

I wouldn't say she's overprotective.

She's not as bad as the mother.

In that respect.

I can't live with them.

But I can't live without them.

They need guiding in life, they need a shoulder to cry on.

And I go out of my way to help.

But it's almost like it's expected.

They take me for granted.

And don't seem to hesitate to call me every name under the sun.

Then act like nothings happened the next day.

Like I should just take it.

And well if I'm honest I do.

Because I already feel a horrible horrible person.

So they're just reinforcing that belief.

I really don't know where to go with this.

I've got to stop trying to fix people.

But it's so hard when you're a caring person.

My natural instinct is to help people.

It has been from being a child.

Overdrive.

I need to chill out.

I need my fucking benzos.

My minds on overdrive.

Mushy Head.

My head is like mush.

I can't function right now.

Gah, I hate this.

Toxicology Report.

Ruined a day when things were kind of okay.

Chilling in the sun having a few drinks.

Then I get a voice-mail.

About the rape investigation.

Something regarding my toxicology report.

It didn't sound good.

They've got to look at it again and re-bail the guy.

For another 2 fucking months.

I can't cope with this right now.

It all sounds trivial I know.

But I'm fragile.

Why leave a voice-mail on a Friday when I can't get support.

It could of waited till Monday.

They know I struggle.

It's really making want to hurt myself.

I can just feel I'm gonna do something stupid.

Oh dear god.

Harm For More.

Buying xanax instead of cutting.

Kind of ironic really.

Pills could do much more harm.

They'll stop me thinking.

There's nothing I could want more right now.

Say What You Mean.

Why say one thing then do another?

I'd rather you have been upfront with me to begin with.

Your now just another person whose word I can't trust.

You've let me down.

Gave me hope and then took it away.

That hurts.

Internal Hell.

I need to free myself from this internal hell I'm in.

Non-destructive ways don't seem to help.

I'm not sure why.

They never hit the spot the same.

If at all.

I need to slash up so bad.

I need to get high.

I need an escape from this bullshit.

Blood.

All I can think of is the blood.

The sight of it trickling down my arms.

Drip dropping onto the floor in a sea of deep red.

The vampires want it.

So do I.

Slash.

I really want to cut.

Horrible slashed up images in my head.

Can't focus on anything.

Anxiety.

Anxiety you can FUCK RIGHT OFF.

I won't allow you to control me.

Or my life.

Slipping.

I'm near the edge.

I can feel it.

On the verge of slipping away.

Down a deep path of chaos.

Another one.

That's the only way I know.

How to save me.

To stop one destruction.

I need to another.

Maybe I should tell A.

But maybe its all just trivial.

So maybe not.

I don't know.

I guess I'm scared.

No Self-Control.

I'm a broke girl.

Blew £700 in a week.

Have no self-control whatsoever.

It's embarrassing.

Absolutely pathetic.

Urges Fuck Off.

What is with these stupid fucking urges.

Apparently cutting off my finger is a good idea.

I swear to god it's driving me crazy.

Making me fucking shake.

Jeez, I got to chill out.

Benzo's I need you.

Stupid Urges.

Urge to shoot up.

FUCK OFF!

I ain't getting into that shit.

A Bit Of Positivity Maybe.

Actually done something.

The past day or so I have been slightly productive.

It's a total improvement on things.

Maybe a sign that things might be on the up.

Although I haven't done not so great in one area.

I've ordered some more Lorazepam.

But I got to give myself credit.

I lasted over a week without doing it.

Before eventually giving in.

I'm proud of that.

I know it doesn't sound like much.

But a week living in reality is fucking hard.

Especially when you've got a mind like mine.

But that is addiction for you.

We're all trying to escape.

Ruin My Life.

Food is officially ruining my life.

Your gonna be the end of me.

If things don't change.

Massacre.

I'm gonna lose it before long.

This eating disorder is driving me insane.

No matter how hard I try my eating is always fucked.

In one way or another.

It's really making me want to cut.

But if I do it'll be bad.

Like a fuckin' massacre. 

Break Up.

Think that was a rather lucky escape.

I'm kind of lost for words.

That ain't like me.

I do feel pain though.

I cared about her.

Heartbreaker.

I don't need this.

Added stress from my girlfriend.

She's meant to be supporting me.

Not making things harder.

I just dumped her.

Shit oh well.

Racing Thoughts.

My mind is racing.

From one thing to another.

Bad thoughts get the fuck out.

They're not even mine.

These thoughts are planted in my brain.

I'd be able to control them.

If I owned them.

I need to get rid of the evil planted in me.

It's a curse.

Pretty Please.

Can I have a bit of normality in my life.

Yeah chaotic is me.

And I am far from normal.

Quite one of a kind.

But is it too much to ask to be able to sleep?

I'm a loose cannon.

I need rest.

Pretty PLEASE.

Making Choices.

I have to make a choice.

Things have got to change.

I don't want to be this.

This was meant to be better.

It's not though.

Pills & alcohol & starving were.

It's real sad to see myself type that.

But its so true.

Thats the way I see it right now.

I hate myself so much.

More than usual.

Discharged.

Been in hospital for a while.

My first week out in the real world.

 I've really struggled.

I'm climbing the walls.

About to flip.

Just want to slash myself to pieces.

I'm losing it.

Everything is too much.

I can't deal with it all.