New Symptoms.

I'm a mess right now.

I have new symptoms.

Visual hallucinations apparently.

On top of the voices flaring up.

Once again unfortunately.

This is getting too regular.

I hate facing the fact that I'm ill.

It majorly sucks.

Why have I been dealt this hand.

It must be karma.

I so so need to ligature.

They'll shut up then.

And she will be safe.

That's all I care about.

She is so precious.

Anxious.

I'm anxious, I should be asleep.

He wants to meet up.

For some reason I said yes.

Totally regretting it already.

Maybe I can just ignore him.

Or make out that I now have plans.

I'm quite scared.

Take It For Granted.

I am feeling utterly exhausted.

Last couple of weeks have got me run down.

Mentally I'm fairly okay.

Just physically feel like I haven't stopped.

Even more so with having this chest infection.

Coughing up mucus is tiring.

Realising how important being physically well is.

Think I've been taking it for granted all these years.

Especially with all I have put it through.

Ended up in Intensive Care three times last year.

Came rather close to death at least twice.

Had to have physio to learn how to breathe properly again.

And after all that, I'm pretty healthy.

No lasting damage, I was lucky.

Rather lucky indeed.

Caved In.

High on life I wish.

More like high on benzo's.

Yes, I've slipped up.

Finally ended up caving in to the urges.

I know its supposedly bad.

But is it that wrong to medicate.

Especially when you need to relax.

Just every so often.

And I know my limits, I know the drug.

I guess what I don't know is the quality.

But I'm fine, it's working.

I'm chilling, and safe.

It stopped me from cutting.

It keeps me from killing myself.

So it can't be that bad.

They're obviously over-exaggerating.

The docs give it to me in the unit.

So why should I not do the same.

It's not like I'm addicted to it.

I'm rambling.

Drag On Society.

Sometimes I think she thinks I'm not trying.

The whole at some point you're going to have to get a job convo.

It really hurts a lot when she brings it up.

I'm trying my best, I really am.

They say I'm too unwell to do a part time course.

That really saddens me.

But I know that they're right.

I struggle just to go out my flat.

So I've got no chance right now.

I really wish I could.

Making my own money would be great.

It would boost my confidence a lot.

Right now I just feel so unworthy.

Living off the state, good for nothing.

A drag on society.

I've got so much personality.

And so many skills.

But what does that really count for.

When you have such debilitating anxiety.

Does it really count for anything.

I'm not so sure.

Take Away Your Pain.

I'm glad you feel heard by the doctors.

That's brilliant to hear.

I wish something would lift your spirits.

It was heartbreaking to see you so miserable last week.

I just want to hold you.

Take away some of your pain.

And make you feel life is worth living.

Things will get better, I promise.

Impending Doom.

I am feeling stressed.

Things are starting to fall apart.

Well maybe that's a bit over-dramatic.

But things aren't exactly going to plan.

My twinnys MH has deteriorated a lot.

The bathroom ceiling is leaking.

And I have a chest infection.

I hate hate hate being physically unwell.

Plus I'm on my lady times.

I feel like my whole world is going to cave in.

Like some kind of impending doom.

I want to smash things up.

Or just get high.

Neither are really an option right now.

I need to stay in control.

Difficult Position.

Things are awkward.

We had planned to meet on weds.

Now I'm not so sure about it.

I'm so angry at her.

If she'd been here I would have swung for her.

And that's saying a lot, I'm a rather gentle person.

To anyone other than myself that is.

I know if I go she'll just moan and moan.

And she'll try and manipulate me into agreeing with her.

But if I don't she's likely to overdose.

And then ring me to get my attention.

It's a difficult position to be in.

She is starting to remind me a lot of H.

They both really need to grow up.

Some People.

I can't believe some people.

Well a certain person in particular.

She's just so ARGHHHHH.

Bitching about my twinny in hospital.

Trying to make out she's the victim.

And everyone else is in the wrong.

You seriously need to get a grip love.

Major Progress.

Feeling like I am making progress.

Got the train to my mums the other day.

Went to the doctors on my own.

And currently heading to London.

I think this Propanolol is really helping.

Feeling the most normal I have done in a long time.

Maybe things are looking up.

No cutting. No overdosing. Very minimal use of benzo's.

Very little alcohol. My eatings still fucked.

Still major progress, I do suprise myself at times.

I've always known I'm a fighter.

Food Shopping.

Just preparing a food shopping list.

R is taking me to the supermarket tomorrow.

Rather scary stuff indeed.

I'm getting wound up just trying to write the list.

Even though I have a decent knowledge of nutrition.

I have no clue what normal amount is.

That's without getting wrapped up in the numbers.

Oh how awkward this is going to be.

Big Challenge.

I've got the doctors in the morning.

It's a rather scary prospect.

Going out into the world alone.

It's stupid how anxious I am about it.

The doctor is lovely, and only down the road.

It really is a big challenge for me though.

That is how bad the anxiety has got.

Impulsive Spending.

My impulsivity is coming back.

And not in a good way.

I've been spending a lot of money.

At a guess I'd estimate £300.

That's just in two days.

Everything is so out of control.

I guess it could be worse.

Could have spent it bingeing and purging.

But thankfully not.

It Rules My Life.

My anxiety is rather bad.

It affects my life so much.

It's debilitating.

It ashames me to admit that.

Everyday I face big challenges.

Just going out my flat is scary.

Jump at the smallest sound.

To the point of panicking.

I'm constantly tense.

I avoid so much because of it.

It's ruling my life.

And I have no clue what to do.

Last time it was this bad I self medicated.

Got hooked on benzo's.

Right now I'd rather be an addict.

Than a nervous wreck of a person.

And I know that's bad.