Divorce.

I don't actually get why people get married.

I really don't.

Many seem to just end in tears.

Some stay together in a loveless marriage.

It makes me sad.

Because it just tears a family apart.

I hope L is gonna be okay.

And her mum and sisters.

They mean a lot to me.

Knots.

I feel like I could vomit right now.

My stomachs in knots.

I think its because I'm anxious for later.

Gonna try and sort out this benefit shizz.

Today is a good day though.

I can feel it.

Mither.

I have to go get a sick note now.

More mither.

Which quite frankly I do not need.

Thankfully my support worker is coming with me.

Otherwise I probably wouldn't go.

Because I'd be too frickin' scared.

Hence why I can't work.

At the moment.

I tell you, I would love to be able to hold a job down.
I'm too ill right now.
But I will get there someday.

Severity.

I don't think my psych understands the extent of my anxiety.

I really don't.

Maybe thats my fault.

I tend to down play things.

I wish he could just see through it though.

I'm sick of the panic attacks.

The nightmares.

Uncontrollable Shaking.

That feeling of dread.

Being so tense.

I could go on and on and on.

And these pills ain't helping at all.

Surprise, surprise.

FML.

To scared to answer the door.

To anxious to answer the phone.

To self conscious to go out.

I fail at life.

FML.

Nightmares & Panic Attacks.

Nightmares, nightmares.

I hate having fucking nightmares.

Sleep should be a safe haven.

Not a scary place.

Waking up having a panic attack.

Doesn't make a good start to the day.

Anxiety consumes those days.

It's so hard to relax.

I'm so tensed up.

Choices.

I gotta decide.

Treatment or no treatment.

Who the fuck knows.

I ain't in position right now to decide.

My heads fucked.

Anxiety just gets in the way.

I'm too scared to make the wrong choice.

Amongst other things.

After Effects.

Things went okay with my mother.

Better than I expected.

I always feel like shite afterwards though.

It all comes back to the fact she chose a paedophile over me.

I don't know how I can ever get over that.

Guardian Angel.

If she wasn't in my life, I probably wouldn't be alive.

I would have given up on myself.

The sound of her voice, makes me feel warm inside.

She listens to me.

Instills me with confidence.

She reminds me of all the positives.

When I'm around her I feel protected.

She always believes in me.

That gives me hope.

She's seen me at my worst and never judged me.

Thats what a mum should be like.

She's like a guardian angel.

Always looking out for me.

She's got a heart of gold.

And always brightens up my day.

I am so thankful to have such a wonderful, caring person in my life.



Low Mood.

Feeling kinda sad today.

Woke up in a bad mood.

So sick of having nightmares.

Can't even have a peaceful sleep.

Had my first panic attack in a while last night.

This medication aint' helping.

Can't wait till my benzos are delivered.

Hostage to anxiety.

This is why I hate anxiety.

I really want to go to the gym.

I'm all ready to go.

But I'm too scared to step out the door to go.

I want to be able to push past the thoughts and feelings.

But it's got me hostage today.

Damn it.

Worrying.

I constantly have butterflies in my tummy.

Not fun.

All I do is worry, worry, worry.

I wish my head would just be fearless for once.

I'm worried about;

-seeing the mother.

-travelling by train alone.

 -getting the ticket for the train.

 - sorting out my appeal for my benefits.

 -booking an doctors appoinment so I can get my anxiety meds.

-booking a dentist appointment.

 -attending those appointments.

 -going to the gym.

 ...and the list goes on.

Argh.

Stressed.

Anxious.

My head wants to explode.

Seeing the mother this week.

Got to appeal against benefits idiotic decision.

Trying to recover from Bulimia.

Nuff said.

Assholes.

Oh my days.

Benefits wind me up beyond belief.

They give me extra money for being severely disabled.

Then they give me zero points on my work capability test.

Meaning I have no problem in any area.

So they're gonna stop my money.

Which is totally ridiculous.

Contradiction much.

So now I have to go appeal their decision.

FML.

Hope.

I had pretty much lost hope in ever being able to recover.

I'm on my third day binge free.

It feels amazing.

I am actually eating a somewhat healthy diet.

That is a big breakthrough.

The urges are driving me crazy though.

I will stay strong.

I don't want to jinx it.

But I think hope is starting to come back.

Maybe I will be recovered someday.

Dreading It.

Seeing the mother on Thursday.

Nervous much.

Not seen her in a year, by choice I must add.

It's not going to be a pleasant experience.

It never is.

The night before I worry like hell.

It will no doubt be a sleepless night.

I get really tense when I see her.

I feel like she judges every aspect of me.

I never feel good enough for her.

I hold back so much, so I don't upset her.

Even though there is so much I need to express.

I'm scared she'll start yelling at me.

I don't want to be that terrified little girl again.

Resisting The Urge.

I'm trying so hard not to cave.

Yesterday was binge free.

For me that was a massive achievement.

I usually b/p everyday.

Just trying to make it through another day free.

Nearly there now, evening is my worst time.

I have to make it through.

I am worth so much more than Bulimia.

I can do this.

Paralyzing Fear.

Overpowering anxiety, fear and worrry.

Taking medication to try and take the edge off.

Just so I can get through the day.

I just want to be free of it.

My life is just consumed by fear.

It impacts on my everyday life.

Fear holds me hostage.

Wishing.

I don't know what I'm feeling right now.

I guess I'm kinda numb, hopelessly numb.

I wish I didn't have to numb all the pain out in this way

I wish I could overcome the tremendous amount of pain inside me.

So I could get on with my life without continuing to suffer.

I don't think people understand the impact mistreating someone has on their life.

I'd have rather my parents stabbed me to death, than have to go through all this.

They were meant to love me unconditionally, and they didn't.

When your parents don't even show their love to you.

You feel like nobody could ever love you.

I have people around me who I know do love but I don't understand why.

How can they love me if my parents didn't.

How can I ever be good enough, if I wasn't good enough for them.

All I want is to be able to love myself.

Is that too much to ask?

Round And Round.

I feel like I'm going round in circles.

Scratch that.

I am going round in circles.

Or maybe I'm just going nowhere at all.

Nowhere fast anyway.

I thought by now I would be able to embrace life.

And be able to like myself.

I hate myself.

I hate life.

I want to die.

And theres 2 packs of paracetamol and a bottle of vodka waiting.

Waiting for that moment that I just lose it completely.

You know the one thing that holds me back from doing it?

I don't want to die fat.

Clueless.

I have no idea what to do.

Totally lost in where I'm going.

I don't really know what path to chose.

Death seems a pretty good option right now.

How sad, right.

My wrists are just begging to be slashed.

Screaming Voice.

I wish my head would just shut the hell up.

It's so intense.

Screaming at my to slit my wrists.

I don't want to kill myself.

I wish it would give me a break, I feel like my heads going to explode.

Decision Time.

What do I actually want?

Which would I rather live with Anorexia or Bulimia?

It seems I have to decide.

I want to be recovered from both, I want to be able to be healthy and happy.

But is that really, realistically ever going to happen?

I want to believe it will, I truely do.

Everytime I recover from one I relapse into the other.

I've been fighting off Anorexia for over a year, I am currently Bulimic.

I've been trying to fight off Bulimia for over a year, unsuccessfully.

I hate my body and myself, more than I ever have done.

Bulimia makes me want to die.

I don't want to die I want to recover, but nothing I do seems to work.

In my head it feels like I either choose to starve or to kill myself.

Starving is considered by some to be a slow suicide.

So I maybe the choice is do I die now or die later.

The choice of my life

I'm So Damn Sick Of Myself.

What are you to to do when you want to escape yourself.

How can I take a break from me without causing harm to myself?

Overdosing helps but I don't want to die.

I just want all the shit in my head to stop.

Haven't I suffered enough already?

Epic Fail On Your Part.

You got the choice of staying with my paedophile father and continuing your unhappily married miserable life or being a mother to your own daughter.

Guess what you chose.

It insults me beyond belief. It breaks my heart.

That you actually put a paedo above me.

How do you think that makes me feel?

It makes me feel FUCKIN WORTHLESS.

And you know what despite all that I still love you.

Which just makes me hate myself even more.