My Safe Place.

Think for a minute, refocus if you can. 

And give me all the reasons why I shouldn't. 

Why I should continue to grasp onto reality. 

Rather than knock myself into a blissful haze. 

Where everything is soft and marshmallowy. 

But most importantly, safe.

Could I?

Overwhelming feelings that I could've done more.

It always rises back up again strong.

Realistically I did a lot.

It plays on my mind though.

And it really makes my heart hurt.

I know you still wanted help.

Even in the darkest of times you continued to fight. 

A Poem You Wrote.

This is one of the only poems I have of yours.
It's very deep and dark, mind of a troubled soul.
Probably similar to how you were feeling 3 years ago.
I feel so low in these early hours without you.
Hoping posting it may bring me a little closer.

Take it all. 

Have it all, until there is nothing left.

Every last beat that's inside.

I can feel it; you slow me down but my heart races against time.

Weaker and weaker; take each drop that falls and swallow.

Remove whats in my head.

Take it as a gift from me.

Befriend my habits.

Take me, make me free.

Have it all until there is nothing left.

Have it all my very last breath.

Empowered Me.

Being under HTT has helped.

It's allowed me to think more clearly about things.

I've felt empowered to come up with more ways of coping.

Or at least more things to do to help with that.

I'm not over all of the anniversaries yet.

It will be 3 years tomorrow and that is really tough.

So definitely going to be gentle with myself.

I would definitely accept support from them again.  

Alien to me.

All the energy I have left is being sucked away.

Like my skins crawling inwards on itself.

Gnawing, aching, but alien to me.

This is a foreign body.

It never was mine.

Familiar Face.

It was J who came.

I was pleased about that.

Wishing I could be more open.

I think it's holding me back.

It was nice to see a familiar face.

Even if I did still have walls up.

Feeling slightly less anxious.

Telling Me What I Already Know.

I'm incredibly anxious.

Have HTT coming round again today.

Don't know who, or exactly when.

It's making me all panicky.

I don't see what they can do for me.

They just say to use my coping skills.

Which is what I'm already doing.

They are nice people, don't get me wrong.

But I know to use my skills.

I've been doing that for years.

Hopeless.

Words are hard to put together. 

I feel drained in every way. 

My bubbly nature has walked out the door. 

And I'm left feeling desperately hopeless. 

I really hope I can shake this off soon. 

Before I do anything more daft would be lovely. 

I don't want to end up IP.

Not Enough.

It's not enough.

It's not fucking enough.

I need to do more harm.

I need to feel the pain.

Verge of Flipping.

So much anger inside.

Too many unexpressed feelings.

I want to let the out.

But how I don't know.

They won't come naturally.

I feel I will flip my shit soon.

Become violent.

Everything is getting too much.

It's fucking scary.

Lay With Her.

All the urges in the world.

I miss my little twinny so much.

It really hurts mentally and physically.

I want to be with her, not kill myself just..

I want to hold her close.

Just lay with her.

Protect her from evil.

Conflicting Emotions.

Tomorrow is nearing. 

For now I'm feeling less stressed. 

But we shall just have to what the morning brings. 

I'm hoping I can contain any difficult feelings. 

It will be super awkward if not. 

Whilst there is less stress and that's good. 

I have a sense of dread. 

Like it's the calm before the storm. 

I'm trying hard not to focus on that too much.

I Want Calm.

So much to do and so little time. 

Agitated and restless not a great combo. 

I really hope I manage to sleep tonight. 

Some calmness would be rather appreciated. 

However my chest is tight and my bones ache. 

So I will likely have to soldier on as usual. 

Never mind though, for now.

 

I will have the tranquil natural of the sea in a few days. 

At least that's what I'm hoping for.

Feel The Fear.

I am going.

Can't let her down.

No way can I do that.

It's going to be scary I know that.

But it's not going to kill me.

I'm going to have to work through it.

It's not going to be easy.

But I can do it.

Another Let Down.

Where do I even start with talking to H...

I massively don't want to impact on her mh. 

She's been constantly let down over and over. 

I don't want to be another person like that. 

But I know I can't go for my own mh. 

This is such a mess. 

I'm Not Okay.

I know I'm not okay.

But am I too unwell to go away..

I hope not, I don't want to let people down.

Especially those who I care about.

I'm worried about breaking.

About a lot of things to be frank.

I don't want people to think differently of me.

That is if I decide not to go.

I don't want to feel pressured.

And then the crazy being unleashed.

Especially somewhere I don't know.

The fact I won't have my PRN makes it's scarier.

Like what the frick am I meant to do.

Things are heightened already.

And will be even more so away.

I use my coping skills but they only go so far.

Like oh frickety frickin frick.

Too much anxiety!

Intense Urges.

To many thoughts shooting around.

Going full speed and I just need a breathe.

A break, something at least.

Urges to harm are so so high.

It's intense, feeling unmanageable.

I don't want to break.

Commencing Treatment.

The ED service left a message.

And now my stomachs all knotted inside.

I'm supposed to be commencing treatment.

Need to decide if I want to have an appointment this week.

Or after I come back from my week away down south.

I really hope this isn't the women I had before.

Although if it is, I need to give her a chance.

I'm just so nervous about the whole thing.

Food can really fuck with my mh.

Weighty Stuff.

Really need to stop binge eating. 

I've put on so much weight recently. 

It makes me feel so bloody vile. 

And just generally uncomfortable. 

I've lost so much confidence it's unreal. 

Never even know what to wear. 

I feel I look awful in everything. 

I just so need to be able to get a handle on this. 

And slim back down. 

I want my small bit of confidence back. 

I need a plan a realistic one.

Feeling Crisis-y.

So I feel crisis-y.

Oh the joys.

Intrusive thoughts gah.

Massive urges to harm still.

I don't know what to do.

Golly goshlings.

To phone OOH..

Ring M?

Go A&E.

Or just give in.

I don't fucking know.

I can't people.