Hit a Nerve.

Words can hit a nerve sometimes.

Talking to mum about the overdose certainly did.

Me committing suicide would tip her over the edge.

That is her view on things, emotional blackmail much.

Does she not think that I think about others feelings.

I do a hell of a lot of things to protect her.

To make her happy, to comfort her.

I have been doing that since I was a young girl.

Her safety is her responsibility, as mine is mine.

I don't blame my acts of SH on others.

I've fought against so many urges.

More than she will ever know.

Fairytales.

My psych brought up the overdose.

Going on about how serious it was.

About how I could have died.

And to never take what I did again.

It made me want to laugh.

I know that sounds so stupid.

But none of it seems relevant to me.

I'm not saying I think he would lie to me.

As this one is actually really nice.

And actually listens, which is rare.

It happens whenever it's brought up.

Whoever the professional.

It's like they're telling me a fairytale.

Looking Forward.

I'm trying to look towards the future.

I really am, even if I feel low or tired.

I'm looking into driving instructors.

Ones who can deal with anxious people.

If I can drive that will open up my world more.

And give me more independence.

I'm looking into getting cats again.

So that I have some other beings to stay alive for.

A reason to get up on the mornings I don't want to.

I'm looking into jobs I can do in the future.

I am also trying to better things.

In areas such as self care.

I have been looking where I can get my hair done.

And where I get have a massage at decent price.

I have also been researching therapists.

As the waiting list on NHS is so long.

And I want to do trauma work.

Even if it means privately.

I just want to move on.

Appeal Sent.

Finally finished my complaint appeal.

The complaint from rehab that is.

Where I wasn't involved in my S117 meeting.

I was denied that right.

Then they decided to lie to me.

Pretend it never happened.

Do they really think I'm that stupid?

Having a MH diagnosis does not make me thick.

I am standing up for others like me.

We should not be treated this way.

Le Psych.

Psych appt was confusing.

He did listen however.

So that is the main thing.

Most don't and that is clear.

I'm unsure whether I got anywhere.

That I guess is the confusing part.

Talking is extremely tiring at times.

And mum now knows the severity of things.

Even if I can't take it in myself.

As it really doesn't seem relevant to me.

GP.

Saw the GP today.

Intended on having the blood test.

Let just say I put it off.

Managed to bring up the kidney stuff.

But only a little bit.

Better than nothing, I suppose.

Got my fortisips and Cerazette stopped.

Thankful to be on less meds.

I've got to do a menstrual diary.

Cerazette fucked my periods.

So horribly bad.

Ick.

I feel ravenous today.

Nothing is satisfying me.

Its not a real physical hunger though.

If it were that I'd be full.

It must be something emotional.

Not sure what though.

I feel pretty content.

Potential Damage.

They want more bloods.

To check my kidneys again.

See if it's still damaged.

Like it was the other week.

I should be scared.

The whole overdose should have.

But it didn't, it never does.

I can't take myself seriously.

Didn't die, can't be that bad.

This is what I tell myself every time.

And I get that same look.

They think I'm crazy.

But maybe my reality is just different.

People...

I can't believe it.

Literally have to get in a state to realise.

She brainwashed me against him.

Cannot trust anyone.

All those years and now I see it.

And now he's gone.

Destroying Me.

This illness is destroying me.

Too many people lost.

The world is such a twisted place.

Holding so much fear at life.

The flashbacks, the nightmares.

I am beyond low.

It isn't going to get better.

Time isn't healing me.

Hurting everyone around me.

Without even meaning to.

I am poison.

Pickles.

I feel positively horrible right now.

Both my head and body are too stressed.

It feels just never ending in all honesty.

This concerns me.

Racing Mind.

My brain just won't seem to stop.

Head in a Blender.

Metal to skin.

Just do it.

Her head screams.

Suffocating.

Coming nearer to fathers day.

Reminders everywhere he's gone.

It's like a stab in the heart.

I have no dad, I have no father.

No more, just ashes.

Too many feelings.

It's suffocating.

Urges to harm.

I'm triggered.