Too Much.

Being put under far too much pressure.

Feeling like I'm gonna blow.

It's so noisy here, the builders are in.

I've got to be good over tonight.

Then I'll be allowed fags out the front.

Something I really don't give a shit about.

I have all the urges.

And everyones telling me the voices aren't real.

So basically my whole life isn't real.

But what if they are the ones who are wrong.

I'm positive they are.

Inpatient Once Again.

So I'm IP again.

On my local psych unit.

I've had no sleep for 4 nights now.

Even after the overdose.

The psych is a complete moron!

Shouldn't have got my hopes up.

The other staff bar one are brill today.

I hope that continues.

Hurt People.

I spent far to much money today.

But I guess it's better than spending on other things.

And by that I mean bad bad stuff.

It was fun for the most part.

Coming back on the train was hard.

Really incredibly hard.

The voices wanted me to hurt people.

And I was just trapped there.

Soldiering On.

My mind is so conflicted.

What's real and what's not.

Part of me wants it to hit me.

So I can start dealing with it.

But the other part, the stronger part.

Wants to escape it so badly.

That I won't let myself believe it's true.

And I don't want it to be either.

The urge to get high is so strong.

I'm may be winning right now.

But I'm still in the fight.

I'm so tensed up.

I wish I could just relax.

Or just give in to the urges easily.

Or just give up altogether.

But I always have been a fighter.

Soldiering on after every fall.

Weight Monitoring.

I'm losing weight rapidly.

They're starting to monitor it. 

Which means they're concerned.

I don't like worrying people.

But I can't help having no appetite.

No interest or much motivation to eat.

The thought of it just makes me feel nauseous.

I mean I'd eat if I could, I'm diagnosed bulimic.

So no food ever normally lasts very long with me.

I get weighed about two weeks.

I'm already a kilo down.

It isn't looking good.

Not at all.

Caring Is My Nature.

Everyone's saying how I'm looking after everyone else.

And keeping it all together, dealing with it really well.

But need to focus less on them and more on myself.

I do get where they're coming from, but for one its a distraction for me.

Because I have to step up and be the responsible one.

And two, I know Frankie would all want us looking out for each other.

I'm not going to abandon Em or Gem, not when they are not coping.

They don't seem to get that me caring and looking after them is just me.

It's who I am, I've naturally got a caring nature.

And it makes me feel like I'm doing something productive.

Which is some positivity.

I'll Be There For Her.

Gems not coping, she's turned to the booze.

To escape from reality, this worries me.

But doesn't exactly suprise me.

Substance abuse runs in the family.

I just don't want to see her self destruct.

And go down the dark path of addiction.

I know how much of a struggle getting sober is.

Especially at times like this.

When I can only begin to imagine how she feels.

Frankie meant the world to me, we were so close.

Supported each other through thick and thin.

She was the little sister I never had.

But Gem was her sister, one of her fellow quads.

And very much the closest by far.

They adored each other so much.

It's so heartbreaking.

She feels like she's lost a big part of herself.

And to be honest even though it's not hit me yet.

I feel my sparkle has gone.

And there's a huge gaping hole in my life.

I just want to hold her so tight and never let go.

Nothing To Deny.

Printing off the chosen photos.

Ones of Frankie for Gems scrapbook.

It didn't upset me at all.

If anything it made me smile.

I still don't believe she's dead.

She can't be at all.

They say I'm in denial.

I'm not though.

There is nothing to deny.

She might not be in London.

But I know she's somewhere.

And one day I'll find her.

Prove them all wrong.

Hate Myself.

I ate today.

Well binged in fact.

I now hate myself once again.

Well fucking done Ames.

You're a complete and utter failure.

I so very much want to purge.

But I also want to stop myself from doing that.

Simply to punish myself.

The urges to cut are there.

And to get fucking high.

Escape from the devil I am.

If only for a while.

Woe is life.

Goodbye.

Really fighting the urge to get high.

A lot of things have been difficult lately.

I had to say goodbye to my darling twinny today.

It's heartbreaking to say the least.

Seeing her coffin being brought in by horses.

And then them leaving without her.

She's in the ground now.

She's be all cold and lonely down there.

I just want to wrap her up in cuddles.

And lay there with her.

Such a tragedy I can't even fully believe it.

I don't want it to be true.

Maybe it's not.

Different Dimension.

I don't know exactly what I'm feeling.

But I know I'm feeling a lot.

It's like I'm in a different dimension.

She isn't dead yet.

I don't want to believe it.

But it will all become real on Friday.

That's when her funeral is.

She's being buried.

I don't want to have to say goodbye.

Not at all, I never want to.

It's all so horrible and confusing.

It's gonna get so real.

I don't know if I'll be able to keep it together.

It's a scary daunting time ahead.

Negatively Eventful Day.

Today has been eventful.

And not in a positive way unfortunately.

E overdosed quite bad, well for her at least.

Went over to her flat, saw her all cut up.

Drowsy and slurring her speech.

By the time the ambo came which felt like forever.

She wasn't responding much, not even to pain.

Arrived at a&e and was put in recsus.

Her ending up there scared me.

I just thought she'd be put in majors.

Things got serious, they could barely get blood.

And couldn't even get a cannula in.

Her veins are that fucked.

And then she went brachycardic.

Her heart rate was dropping into the low 40's.

She was coming round all confused and agitated.

Didn't know where she was or why.

And just wanted to go home.

She became really aggressive and hostile.

Had to help the nurses restrain her, on multiple occasions.

It was horrible and upsetting to experience. 

She really wants to die and that scares me.