Feel Like It Again.

I want to do it again.

Overdose I mean.

I'm so fucking stressed.

Struggling, fragile, frustrated.

I can't cope like this.

Need to get a bag prepared just in case.

Don't want to end up having nothing with me again.

That sent me fucking under.

What is the actual point in discharging someone?

And not providing them with extra support.

Obviously I wasn't coping with what help I had before.

How do they expect anything to change.

Nothings changed.

Psychiatric Ward.

I ended up on the psychiatric ward.

After the overdose.

Voluntarily of course.

Basically was sectioned though.

I asked to discharge myself.

And they said they'd section me.

If I did.

It made me so fucking angry.

As you can imagine.

I couldn't eat anything in there.

It was too fucking scary.

I haven't eating since coming out.

That was yesterday.

They told me if I didn't eat they'd discharge me.

Thought they were gonna say section me.

At the time.

Major lulz.

Still Fighting.

Can I hold on till this afternoon?

I really don't know.

Hope she takes me A&E if I do.

I think thats what I really need at the moment.

It's horrible not feeling safe with yourself.

I know I'm a risk.

I'm so frickin' anxious right now.

Suicidal Ideation.

I was so sure I'd overdose today.

My ED therapist phoned my support worker.

Told her to meet me so I would give her all my pills.

That wasn't going to happen.

I already told her I wouldn't hand them over.

But she phoned her anyway.

Anyway it didn't happen.

I got back to late from therapy.

So she left a note saying she'd popped round but I was out.

And to drop the pills off at the hostel if I wanted to.

Thats where she works.

And where I used to live.

I nearly overdosed when I got home.

I was so full of emotion.

But I rang the hostel to see if my worker was there.

She wasn't, but she had told the manager about the pills.

I broke down on the phone to her.

Unusual for me.

She asked me to come up for a chat.

I know if she hadn't done that I would've done it.

I still feel unsafe.

Tomorrow morning I'm seeing my support worker.

I might ask her if she'll take me to A&E.

To get assessed.

I'm too scared of going by myself.

Worried they won't take me seriously.

And send me home.

That'll just make me worse.

For sure.  

Good Day.

Today has been pretty good.

A productive day.

Full of helpful understanding people.

I feel more confident about my appeal now.

To get my benefits back.

The DWP won't know whats hit them.

With all the evidence I've got.



Sundays.

I've never been fond of them.

Not ever.

They just drag on.

And I can't keep my same routine.

As all the other days.

Because the shop shuts early.

Like four hours earlier than I would usually go.

And the gyms too busy at weekends.

It makes me too anxious to go.

Can you tell I don't like change?

Even the slightest.

It unsettles me.

Hunger Pangs.

Today is another crazy binge urge day.

Craving a binge makes me feel fat.

And feeling fat.

Makes me want to die.

I should just binge and purge today.

And die tomorrow.

Hunger pangs.

Please go to hell, right now.

It scares me what I will do if I binge.

Not A Good Day.

Today isn't the best.

If you haven't already realized.

My heads telling me to binge.

And purge.

One last time.

Then I get to die tomorrow.

Suicide by overdose.

I really want to.

I need to.

Feeling like this is exhausting.

I'm so tired.

Mentally and physically.

Its drained everything out of me.

Feeling Please Go.

Trying to sit with this feeling.
Let it pass.

And be okay with it.
But hell I'm not.

It's making me feel like death.
And it aint passing through.
It's just sitting there.
Pissing me off.



Binge So Purge.

I've got the urge to binge like crazy today.

I actually think I could gorge on the whole of tesco.

Lulz, just kidding.

That might rupture my stomach.

Just a teeny bit.

Think I'm in need of a weigh in.

See some progress.

Or lack of.

Part of me that wants to binge.

Just so I can purge.

How fucked up.

Messy Head.

My head is a mess right now.

I am so anrgy.

At myself I think.

Feel like I'm about to explode.

And for no apparent reason.

I should go to bed.

Sadness.

I've just been overcome with sadness.

My eyes are filling with tears.

But why?

I have no idea.

Just came had a good workout at the gym.

I should be feeling good.

Apparently not.

I just want to curl up and die.

No more existence.

That would be bliss.

Working Out.

Had a good workout today.

Did cardio and weights.

Was at the gym for over an hour.

It is quite surprising how fit I already am.

After having not been for so long.

Well since before last week.

Hopefully I can keep this going.

And that anxiety doesn't stop me.

Starting Treatment.

Day one of treatment.

It went pretty okay I guess.

I would have liked not to eat as much.

But it was only 1,200 cals.

Rationalizing that is hard.

But I'm not going to gain weight from it.

It's better than being at one extreme.

Or the other.

I was more kind of balanced.

Even if at times I felt so close to bingeing.

I did not.

Yes I had to destroy some food.

But that was to save myself.

That was me gaining some kind of control.

Even though I know its disordered.

At least it stopped me from messing up.

Crisis Time.

Shaking on the phone.

And shortness of breath.

I feel panicky.

It makes me want to die.

Kind of.

At least overdose.

Which I wouldn't care if it led to death.

Contemplating going to A&E.

Well I was.

I am kind of in a crisis.

But I'm not depressed or miserable.

I'm just overly stressed.

Not that you could tell from the outside.

I'm not sure they wouldn't take me seriously.

Because I don't look a risk.

To myself.

Small Successes.

I shouldn't down play them.

They're actually massive successes.

Not small in any way.

For me at least.

I went a week binge free.

Yes thats right.

I ate like a normal person.

For a whole week.

That is huge.

Secondly.

I've been able push past some of the anxiety.

Meaning I managed to go to the gym.

Not once, but twice.

And on my own.

I'm gonna make it a regular thing.

I think.

Oh Dear.

I want to overdose so bad right now.

I want to tell someone.

Though my anxiety won't let me.

It's so fucking stupid.

I know if I don't say something.

To somebody.

Preferably a certain person.

Who I know will help.

She always does.

That I'll end up doing it.

Go Away Please.

Intense urges.

To harm myself.

Arghhhh.

Please go away.

You are hurting my head.

We Need Peace.

There should be peace in this world.

It's lacking right now.

People are getting killed.

Left, right and centre.

My heart goes out to their families and friends.

It's so sad.

Why can't we find peace with one another?

And live in some kind of harmony.

Sunshine.

I wish I could appreciate this beautiful weather.

Sunshine and blue skys.

People outside in summer clothes.

Enjoying themselves.

I live in hoodies and jeans.

Last year it was because of my arms.

Full of scars from cutting.

This year it's not that.

The scars don't bother me anymore.

I don't care what other people think of them.

It's because I'm fucking huge.

I'd rather it be raining and cool.

Broken Blood Vessels.

Woke up with loads of tiny red dots on my eyelids.

Broken blood vessels.

Thats the beauty of purging for you.

At least I have freckles.

They make them not so obvious.

Looking Different.

I look so different.

After purging.

I looked so much better.

Don't ask me how that works.

Surely I should look worse.

Apparently not.

Maybe my heads just fucked.

Fuck.

Well that was an immense fail.

I don't know why I bother trying anymore.

I can't even concentrate to read.

Even if I could I wouldn't be able take anything in.

This is just pointless.

Meet Up.

Why, why, why, did I text her that?!

I wish I could take it back.

I don't want to meet up with her.

She doesn't accept who I am.

And I want her to be something that she'll never be.

A supportive mum.

Damn it.

Overwhelmed.

I'm not sure what to expect today.
I've got so much to do.
So many people to see.
Feeling so overwhelmed.
And scared.

Maybe I do need my medication.

Bad Situation.

It's not really any of my business.

But it worries me.

He's controlling her.

Being abusive.

I don't know what I should do.

It concerns me greatly.



No Feeling.

Feeling really numb today.

Like half dead.

My brain isn't working properly.

asdfghjkl;'#

My stomach is in knots.

And I'm crying.

I've just come back from the doctors.

Damn that place is stressful.

I'm so angry.

So frustrated.

I've had 4 panic attacks this week.

I barely go out because of my anxiety.

Yet apparently I'm fit to work.

In 2 weeks.

Pathetic.

You have no idea.

Just add more stress.

I'm ready to snap.

I really am.

I want to run away from all this.