She's Scared.

Wish the cat would stop bloody whining.

She scared of me.

I'm sure.

Had a bit of a violent outburst before.

Punched the door a few times.

And now she won't go near me.

I'm a terrible person.

Attention.

People in my head.

Get the fuck out.

I want some peace man.

No Escaping.

Choices to make.

They all lead to the same outcome really long term.

All of us die in the end.

There's no escaping that.

Angry.

I'm so angry.

On the end of my tether.

Keep flipping out.

Just want to smash something in.

Oddness.

Today's been a weird day.

Good but frustrating.

I'm feeling kind of odd.

Not quite right at all.

Actually losing my mind.

Fixes.

I'm in constant need of a fix.

As soon as it wears off I'm in need of another.

Chasing the next fix, the next escape from reality is my life.

Really it solves nothing in the long run.

But I'm so desperate to escape, I keep on chasing it.

It's a bit ironic that it's called a fix really.

Tragic Mess.

I wish I could stop the thoughts.

They're just consuming my whole life.

I want to be free.

I want to know who I am.

Without all this, who could I be.

All I see is what I've become.

A fragile mess.

All I know is my ED, drugs,alcohol and abuse.

It's quite sad thinking about it.

How do I begin to become something else.

I really don't know.

Taking Control.

Bulimia, that is the last time you control me.

There's no way I will stop bingeing any time soon.

Whether it's food, drugs or alcohol.

I'm gonna plan food binges.

So I'll have at least some control over you.

I know that's totally fucked up.

But I'm at wits end.

I don't know what else to do.

Cravings.

All day long I crave food.

So need to get pilled up.

Just to take the thoughts away.

Impulsivity.

You know that little thing inside your head.

The thing that keeps you from doing things you shouldn't.

Yeah, I don't have one of those.

Out Of Control.

More out of control than I've ever been.

It's scaring me.

My social worker and support are both really worried.

I hope I don't end up getting sectioned again.

Things Are Bad.

Eating tears me apart.

So you're gonna be out of my life physically.

I know I'll never get rid of you mentally.

Kind of ironic I'm starting ED treatment.

Maybe it's just me rebelling.

But I don't think so.

I think I'm just tired of fighting.

Fighting a losing battle.

And I'm sick of it.

So I'm choosing what I perceive to be the less of two evils.

The Way Forward.

Drinking is the way forward.

I've decided.

I'm not endorsing it though.

It's harmful.

But it somehow lessens the emotional pain.

It kind of makes me free.

Not as much as the benzos though.

But both together whoaaaa.