Feeling Please Go.

Trying to sit with this feeling.
Let it pass.

And be okay with it.
But hell I'm not.

It's making me feel like death.
And it aint passing through.
It's just sitting there.
Pissing me off.



Binge So Purge.

I've got the urge to binge like crazy today.

I actually think I could gorge on the whole of tesco.

Lulz, just kidding.

That might rupture my stomach.

Just a teeny bit.

Think I'm in need of a weigh in.

See some progress.

Or lack of.

Part of me that wants to binge.

Just so I can purge.

How fucked up.

Messy Head.

My head is a mess right now.

I am so anrgy.

At myself I think.

Feel like I'm about to explode.

And for no apparent reason.

I should go to bed.

Sadness.

I've just been overcome with sadness.

My eyes are filling with tears.

But why?

I have no idea.

Just came had a good workout at the gym.

I should be feeling good.

Apparently not.

I just want to curl up and die.

No more existence.

That would be bliss.

Working Out.

Had a good workout today.

Did cardio and weights.

Was at the gym for over an hour.

It is quite surprising how fit I already am.

After having not been for so long.

Well since before last week.

Hopefully I can keep this going.

And that anxiety doesn't stop me.

Starting Treatment.

Day one of treatment.

It went pretty okay I guess.

I would have liked not to eat as much.

But it was only 1,200 cals.

Rationalizing that is hard.

But I'm not going to gain weight from it.

It's better than being at one extreme.

Or the other.

I was more kind of balanced.

Even if at times I felt so close to bingeing.

I did not.

Yes I had to destroy some food.

But that was to save myself.

That was me gaining some kind of control.

Even though I know its disordered.

At least it stopped me from messing up.

Crisis Time.

Shaking on the phone.

And shortness of breath.

I feel panicky.

It makes me want to die.

Kind of.

At least overdose.

Which I wouldn't care if it led to death.

Contemplating going to A&E.

Well I was.

I am kind of in a crisis.

But I'm not depressed or miserable.

I'm just overly stressed.

Not that you could tell from the outside.

I'm not sure they wouldn't take me seriously.

Because I don't look a risk.

To myself.

Small Successes.

I shouldn't down play them.

They're actually massive successes.

Not small in any way.

For me at least.

I went a week binge free.

Yes thats right.

I ate like a normal person.

For a whole week.

That is huge.

Secondly.

I've been able push past some of the anxiety.

Meaning I managed to go to the gym.

Not once, but twice.

And on my own.

I'm gonna make it a regular thing.

I think.

Oh Dear.

I want to overdose so bad right now.

I want to tell someone.

Though my anxiety won't let me.

It's so fucking stupid.

I know if I don't say something.

To somebody.

Preferably a certain person.

Who I know will help.

She always does.

That I'll end up doing it.

Go Away Please.

Intense urges.

To harm myself.

Arghhhh.

Please go away.

You are hurting my head.

We Need Peace.

There should be peace in this world.

It's lacking right now.

People are getting killed.

Left, right and centre.

My heart goes out to their families and friends.

It's so sad.

Why can't we find peace with one another?

And live in some kind of harmony.

Sunshine.

I wish I could appreciate this beautiful weather.

Sunshine and blue skys.

People outside in summer clothes.

Enjoying themselves.

I live in hoodies and jeans.

Last year it was because of my arms.

Full of scars from cutting.

This year it's not that.

The scars don't bother me anymore.

I don't care what other people think of them.

It's because I'm fucking huge.

I'd rather it be raining and cool.

Broken Blood Vessels.

Woke up with loads of tiny red dots on my eyelids.

Broken blood vessels.

Thats the beauty of purging for you.

At least I have freckles.

They make them not so obvious.

Looking Different.

I look so different.

After purging.

I looked so much better.

Don't ask me how that works.

Surely I should look worse.

Apparently not.

Maybe my heads just fucked.