Devilish Sacrifice.

Them feelings again.
Accompanied by thoughts.
Of the devilish kind.
The self sacrificing.
I know some contradiction.
But it's hard to explain.
The pills, going comatose.
Just the thought.
It brings a smile to my face.
Escaping this nightmare.
Whilst slowly killing me.
It's keeping me alive.

Reasons Unknown.

Beyond emotional today.

For reasons unknown.

Tears running rivers down my face.

And I just feel so lost.

With such intensity.

Ranty Rant Rant.

It comes to a head.
You know when.
The fact that I'm ill,
They worry loads,
Are scared I'm going to kill myself etc etc.
Mean that I'm stopping them grieving.
Although the thoughts, urges ares scary.
And I fight like hell every day.
I've only had 1 trip to A&E this year.
I've not cut for over a year.
Maybe the problem is with you not me.
Using me as an excuse.
Yes I've got issues.
We all know that.
But maybe there are other people who need to face there's.

Talented Screw Up.

That was far too easy to do.
It's like I have this natural talent.
At screwing the fuck up.
My head feels wierd.
And eyes are heavy.
I don't want to sleep tonight.
No after the flashback last.

Whatever I am.

Clawing at my skin.

I'm feel all wrong.

Sobbing, and sobbing.

But yet I don't quite know why.

Disliking myself.

Or maybe the person I've become.

I'm not sure I remember which.

It's ever so confusing.

Whatever I am.

Whatever I may be.

What did I actually do.

To hate myself this way. 

I ask.

Kerplunk.

So triggered right now.

It's unbearable.

I feel close to kerplunk.

I want to escape the feels.

So scared.

Judged.

It's like they want to stress you out more.

And indeed that is truly working.

I need positive encouragement.

Away from doing something stupid.

I don't need reminders of my struggles.

Something that I'm constantly judged on.

And this is a big fear of mine.

It makes the urge to die.

So much higher.

Protection.

I have a session tomorrow.
There is so much going on.
I'm wobbling, greatly.
I can't talk about it though.
The new realizations.
It's too dangerous.
If I talk, people get hurt.
I won't let that happen.
I need to keep everyone safe, protected.
Even if it means harming to do that.
They will act otherwise.

Sedation.

Just let me relax.
To the core of my being.
And stop this war.
Just let me sleep.

Life and Death.

Is another loss heading my way..

And I don't mean a friendship.

I mean a life, a 23yr old life.

My heart is wrenching one again.

The thought of this frightens me.

It's a life and death situation.

Realizations.

And I realise now, due to her, 

Me and dad we were never going to have a positive relationship. 

But I don't think she intended for this to happen whatsoever. 

I think she just wanted me to be on her side. 

Saying negative things constantly about someone to a young child.

Is going to turn them again that person, its brainwashing.

Being asked from a young kid for marriage advice.

Telling me many a time she was thinking of divorce.

At too young an age I knew what that meant.

When I should have been carefree.

And not worrying about adult stuff.

I told her to leave him so many times.

It's really sad to think about.

Yes he did some awful things.

But there was good in him as well.

I'm glad I was able to see that before we lost him.

Why did I not see all this sooner?!

Something Bad.

My mind is not letting me go to sleep.

I must stay awake. 

something bad is going to happen.

Oh crap, this feeling of dread is awful.

I want to barf.

Need to take some anti sickness.

It's so loud in my head.

Too much anxiety.

Smash it out.

Overwhelmed.

Hiding in your bed.

Because life is majorly overwhelming.

And you just feel like stuffing the feels down 

By whatever means necessary.

Benefiting From Exercising.

Theres a wonderful thing about exercise.

Even when I'm exhausted, it awakens my mind.

It makes me feel fresh and alive.

And even elevates my mood.

It really benefits my mental health.