Not a Life.

The urges are a bitch. 

Just want to cut every inch of myself. 

Or put myself under for days. 

It's a real struggle to contain. 

I don't want a life like this. 

No one should have one like it. 

It's fucking awful. 

Nauseating. 

Agitating.

Hypocrite.

I'm a complete hypocrite. 

Telling others who are struggling to reach out. 

When I definitely need to talk myself. 

And might even need assessing. 

Oh hello suicidal thoughts/urges. 

I have not missed you. 

Ugh.

Urges to harm are so persistent.

No letting up today apparently.

It's a racket in my head.

I want some peace.

I want to feel okay.

Same Old Same Oldest.

Ten more fucking days. 

I can't wait that long. 

Feeling I'll explode before then. 

And really what can duty do. 

That's if I speak to them before she's back. 

Having said that we all know what she'll say. 

Same old same old. 

 You've got through more than many could cope with. 

Many would have given up a long time ago. 

That's just telling me well.. 

Putting it bluntly many would have killed themselves. 

Which really isn't a helpful thing to say when I've thoughts. 

I don't know why I see her anymore.

Total Chaos.

My head feels all pickled.

I don't know what I'm thinking.

Well actually what my feelings are.

My thoughts are self destructive.

And I'm fighting hard.

Nobody knows.

I'm like a duck.

Calm on the surface.

But total chaos underneath.

I don't want to harm.

But I need a release.

I need twinny.

Tame It.

Having major body image woes. 

Okay maybe not as severe as that. 

But it's still taking up my thoughts. 

I probably do need to speak to the ED team. 

This body is plain gross. 

Sometimes it doesn't even feel my own. 

Like a foreign body.

 

I feel as though a lot of it needs cutting away. 

It's like a wild tree grown out of control. 

It needs to be tamed.

Learning Things.

I've not had a good day. 

Eating wise I mean. 

I need to have a plan b. 

That's definitely something to prepare. 

And something I've learnt from today. 

If I go in the shop and they haven't got x produce I went in for. 

I need an alternative to buy. 

Because it happened today and well... 

Ames just went impulse based on cravings. 

Not buying food I actually need. 

Or won't binge on for that matter. 

I need to be prepared, I need to be mindful. 

And I also could do with being more present. 

I tend to switch off and go full speed no thought. 

Maybe grounding skills would help that. 

It's worth a shot.

Torn.

Is it too adventurous. 

Above what I can push myself to. 

Currently that may be a possibility. 

I don't want to fail again. 

But I don't want to sit around doing nothing either. 

I want to live my life. 

I need to challenge and push myself. 

You only get better by doing that. 

But is it taking on too much. 

Too many hours, too far to travel. 

I really don't know. 

I'm feeling incredibly torn. 

Lots of Thinking Needs Doing.

Decisions to make. 

And hard ones at that. 

Am I the most realistic person. 

Definitely not. 

But you have to take risks. 

And you've got to push yourself. 

This opportunity may never come again. 

Do I know if I'll succeed or even like it. 

Chances are I'll enjoy the experience. 

Even if I find I don't want to pursue that career.

 

Going from lots of past stuff I've started. 

Hmm, I do have the tendency to not finish things. 

But I have to start doing sometime soon! 

I need to think real hard about this. 

Binging Ugh.

Remember you felt bad after that.
Comforting yourself with food never helps.
I know you've come so far with it.
But you still aren't free.
You are still Bulimic.
The hatred I have for my body right now is unreal.
I feel utterly disgusting.
Need normality so I can stay sane.

Friends.

When friends make progress.

It leaves me beaming.

I have such a happy feeling within me.

It's lovely to hear such positivity.

Devilish Sacrifice.

Them feelings again.
Accompanied by thoughts.
Of the devilish kind.
The self sacrificing.
I know some contradiction.
But it's hard to explain.
The pills, going comatose.
Just the thought.
It brings a smile to my face.
Escaping this nightmare.
Whilst slowly killing me.
It's keeping me alive.

Reasons Unknown.

Beyond emotional today.

For reasons unknown.

Tears running rivers down my face.

And I just feel so lost.

With such intensity.

Ranty Rant Rant.

It comes to a head.
You know when.
The fact that I'm ill,
They worry loads,
Are scared I'm going to kill myself etc etc.
Mean that I'm stopping them grieving.
Although the thoughts, urges ares scary.
And I fight like hell every day.
I've only had 1 trip to A&E this year.
I've not cut for over a year.
Maybe the problem is with you not me.
Using me as an excuse.
Yes I've got issues.
We all know that.
But maybe there are other people who need to face there's.

Talented Screw Up.

That was far too easy to do.
It's like I have this natural talent.
At screwing the fuck up.
My head feels wierd.
And eyes are heavy.
I don't want to sleep tonight.
No after the flashback last.