Apprehensious.

Meant to be going bowling.

For MH craft group ending

All because of the NHS cuts.

I want to go I really do.

Just feel rather apprehensious.

I feel the need to isolate.

Which is a bad sign.

R will talk me into going.

I don't want to be around K.

Or have him in my flat.

He invited himself round.

I'll just ignore the intercom.

He's not my problem.

Can't Distract Forever.

I managed to make it through.

Haven't harmed so far.

Still getting urges though.

I wish they would go to hell.

Can't distract myself forever.

Scared at some point I'll break.

Nervous for when.

Mad Girl, Silly World.

I'm a pretty mad girl.

In a damn silly world.

And I'm falling apart.

Afraid To Sleep.

I'm lay here procrastinating.

I don't want to go to sleep.

It scares me, the nightmares.

Night after night after night.

Rarely letting up at all.

It feels pathetic and weak.

I'm 20 and afraid to sleep.

A Bit Rocky.

Things are weird at the moment.

Everything seems a bit rocky.

One minute I'm having intense urges.

The next I'm laughing and feel upbeat.

It's rather confusing at times.

I shouldn't complain though.

At least I'm not depressed.

Would It Hurt?

I'm thinking...

Would one cut hurt really.

I haven't done it for ages so what's the harm.

I need to fix how I'm feeling.

And nothing else is working right now.

Part of me worries I'll go to deep.

But I've got steri-strips.

And other first aid supplies.

I have another worry. 

Once I start will I be able to stop. 

That scares me.

After London.

Having things to look forward to.

That's what helps keeps me going.

But after London, what is there.

I don't have any plans after that.

Was just focusing on staying well.

So I would be safe enough to go.

After London, that worries me.

The thoughts will be stronger.

And I'll have less reason to stay strong.

Already told myself I could die after.

Just need to get the pills first.

Not sure whether I'll do it.

But the option is there.

Thinking I should tell CC.

Don't want her freaking though.

Anger & Tension.

Boiling over with anger.

So much tension in my head right now.

Not even sure why.

May need to call my SW.

Getting suicidal thoughts again.

Beginning to form plans.

It's all so wrong.

Things aren't meant to be like this.

Need To Escape.

I want to get away from these feelings.

Want to move away somewhere, anywhere.

Really feel the need to escape.

Running away won't change my problems.

You can't escape your own mind.

That is a big fear of mine.

Breaking.

Feeling rather overwhelmed.

Things feel out of control.

On the verge of crying.

Welling up as I speak.

I feel I'm breaking.

Need to hold it together.

That's what we do.

We stay strong and carry on.

Feeling like we've dealt with things.

In reality that's so far from the truth.

Subconsciously everything.

Has been swept under the carpet.

How do I deal with all this.

Fretting About The Gas Man.

Worrying about tomorrow.

Feels like my hearts in my mouth.

I'm fretting about the gas man coming round.

Can't let a stranger in, and a man at that.

It feels rather risky, vulnerable situation.

He might rape me, I fear that so much.

Increased Anxiety.

Anxiety is high.

Too much worrying.

Not enough doing.

It's affecting my motivation.

To be expected.

I'm guessing.

Typical PMS.

Felt low today.

Unmotivated and irritable.

Guess that's typical PMS.

I hate that yuck feeling.

Get it everytime.

Not fair.

Restless.

So restless right now.

Not far off 4am.

Taken my sleepers.

Yet still awake.

Working out, doing weights.

Tire me out I hope.

Good Workout.

Done a good workout.

It's made me feel better.

More upbeat, and smiley.

Zopiclone has clearly helped to.

I need to keep working out.

Got to get my fit on.

Want To Cry.

Urging to cut.

They won't let up.

I want to cry.

Welling up right now.

Need a release.

And some hugs.

Zopiclone's Chilled Me.

Feeling a bit chilled.

Was an absolute mess before.

Crying and punching things.

Plotting shit to do.

Zopiclone's helping.

Thank god.

Rest Peacefully Rachael.

I should have done more.

Checked in with her more often.

It's too late, she's dead now.

Took her own life.

It's so sad.

Increasing Urges.

Urges are increasing.

They're getting much stronger.

I've had a good day.

Don't know what's triggered it.

Which is frustrating.

Need to keep strong and safe.

Just want to cry.

Drug Interactions.

Researching major interactions.

Between different drugs I can get hold of.

I think that means I want to overdose.

And extremely badly.

Can't do it till after London.

Need to keep things together till then.

I don't want to die.

Bet you all thought I was suicidal.

That is not the case, at all.

Still Awake.

Dear sedatives.

Why you not make me that sleepy.

It 4:15 am and still awake.

And also I have restless legs.

Which is irritating.

What to do, what to do.

Supporter Voluntary Work.

Was so chuffed.

I was top support emailer.

In the last 5 weeks I've replied to 148.

How brill is that.

Makes me want to push myself further.

Voluntary work as a Staff Supporter.

It fulfills me so very much.

Trying to help people.

Who have mental illnesses.

To improve there lives for the better.

I know that I am making a difference.

And that means a lot to me.

Weight Has To Be Lost.

Need to lose weight.

Down to 55kg to start with.

That ain't asking too much.

Or being unrealistic.

Need to tone up too.

So I best be doing my weights.

I can reach my target.

I'm sure of it.

Nervy Meet Up.

Emily's coming around.

Into macc for about 2pm.

I'm quite nervy about seeing her.

Well more her coming round.

And being inside my flat.

It's rather messy.

Just don't want her thinking.

That I'm lazy and trampy.

Anxiety sucks.

Tad High.

Taken my sleep meds.

Feel a tad high.

I can't stop smiling.

This feeling is great.

Maybe that's a bad sign.

But right now I don't care.

My mind feels free.

Which is ace.

She's Coping Better.

Finally plucked up the courage.

To ring her that is.

She's still struggling with life.

But is coping better.

It was lovely speaking to her.

Hearing the sound of her voice.

Just want to hold her.

I miss her dearly.

Pushing Through.

Mum's finding things tough.

I can hear it in her voice.

She's pushing through though.

So I think she will cope.

And manage to fill the void.

Of my brother living abroad.

To Little Sleep.

Things are getting tougher.

I need to hold it together.

I'm barely sleeping which isn't helping.

Hope the GP will prescribe something.

Me plus little sleep ain't ever good.

It equals an irrational mess.

Keep getting urges to self harm.

Also to harm certain people.

There's too much anger inside.

It needs releasing.

No One Protecting Her.

Today has been hard.

Emotionally and physically draining.

Brothers now in Ibiza.

And I'm scared for mum.

She's on her own now.

No one to protect her from my father.

It's a vulnerable situation.

For both of us.

Brothers Moving.

So my brothers moving.

To Ibiza, to work for his girlfriend.

He's going at lunch.

I'm excited for him.

It's a great opportunity.

I'm going to miss him though.

I'm scared for my mum.

From tomorrow, she'll be alone.

Living with him.

I'm not sure that's safe.

Who is going to protect her.

Urges Are Back.

I'm getting urges again.

Urges to cut.

Resisting them is hard.

I'm scared I'll give in.

If I do it'll be a bloody massacre.

I won't be able to stop.

I just know it.