Big Achievement.

Rather big achievement.

I haven't binged/purged in 5 days (:

It doesn't sound much I know.

But it's truly massive.

I think the new meds are helping.

Long may this continue.

Consultant Appointment.

So seeing the consultant was pretty positive.

I've been put on the waiting list for psychotherapy.

Totally wasn't expecting that.

And started on medication called Venlafaxine.

Fingers crossed it will help.

Total Amnesia.

I disassociated pretty badly the other week.

My mum told me all that happened.

There are no pieces to try and put together.

It's not like when you're beyond drunk.

And can't remember most of what happened the night before.

Times like that pieces do come together. 

A vague memory of things come back.

But not with dissociative episodes.

You have no recollection whatsoever.

It frightens me.

Makes me feel so fragile.

I have no control over what happens.

The anxiety rises.

I'm thinking what else have I done which I don't recall.

Have I ever hurt someone.

I pray that it's never gone that far.

But I can never be certain.

It's so distressing.

The Magic Pill.

It's amazing how something can just clear your mind.

Free you from all the demons within.

Much more relaxed now.

Hopefylly I'll be sleeping soon.

Xanax is the magic pill.

Albeit very short term.

But when you're desperate to keep yourself safe.

And need to diffuse mind fuck situations.

You'll go to pretty much any lengths.

Just to get through.

So you can fight another day.

Not My Own Voice.

My voice has changed.

I know it's sounds weird, but it has.

This isn't me.

I'm scared.

It Never Helps.

Once again resisting the urge to purge.

I've binged far too many times in my life.

It never helps.

Never takes the pain away.

Yet still I do it to feel to try and feel better.

If anything it just makes me feel worse.

Maybe I'm not really doing it to help.

Perhaps I do it to punish myself.

So I have a justifiable reason for all the self hatred.

I need to fix this.

Not sure how though.

It's an addiction.

And I'm in far too deep.

People With Power.

I miss you bad it hurts.

Right here, here in my heart.

Them bastards keeping us apart.

It's all so very wrong.

I don't get what I've done so wrong.

In all heart of hearts I know I haven't done anything.

This is just people with power using it against me.

They have been infiltrated.

It's all part of the plan.

Fearful.

Anxiety is taking hold of me.

Fearing I'm gonna have another episode.

It's so getting in the way of my life.

Thoughts, Be Quiet.

Thoughts will you shut up, please.

I'm trying to fall asleep here.

And you're just making me want to smash things to pieces.

Not helpful.

Hoping.

Keeping my fingers crossed.

Hoping the order goes through.

Some 'M' would be a dream.

Lies.

The constant lies you people tell me.

They break my heart.

You're the people I'm supposed to be able to trust.

How the hell can I do that now.

Fuck you all.

Help They Gave.

I asked them to help me with the voices.

And what do they do.

Give me a fucking leaflet.

Well that's gonna help loads, cheers.

Thanks for taking me seriously, not.

Agitation.

Voices plus agitation.

It equals stay in communal areas.

And get thrown some PRN lorazepam my way.

I Lost It Or Did I.

Back in the asylum.

My second home it seems.

Pathetic Services.

Bringing my psych appointment one week earlier.

Pathetic, how's that gonna help.

It's already months away.

Let Down.

I hate being let down.

Especially by the people who are supposed to care.

Can they not see they are making me worse.

Voices Fuck Off.

Voices fuck off will you now please.

It's nearly 4am and I'm trying to get to sleep.

Don't Give A Shit.

They don't care.

Don't give a shit.

Unless your on deaths door.

Productive But Shit.

Feeling pretty much the same again.

Even though I had a productive morning.

I just feel like shit.

Managed to do a good deed though.

Donated some furniture to someone in need.

I've got so much going on though.

I just want to rip my veins open.

And let the evil pour out.

Feelings.

Feeling like shit.

Should I ring crisis.

Fuck knows.

Winehouse.

My social worker was a tad concerned that I was drinking in the morning.

She should be concerned now, I'm drinking through the day.

I didn't realize that it would escalate thing face.

I really didn't

Hopefully I'll break it soon enough.

It takes me out of reality.

And thats what I want most.  

No wonder I got nicknamed.

Amy Winehouse in the pysch ward.

Ended Up In A&E.

So some shit went down last night.

Apparently I cut at the doctors.

Fuck knows, I don't remember it.

Ended up in A&E.

Ran off back home.

Then the police got involved.

Ooooooopsies.

Now I have to see Crisis Team.

Later and tomorrow.

IP was mentioned.

Ahhhhhhhhh.

Fuck that.