Tomorrow.

Worrying about tomorrow.

Not the plan, that's fine.

Just J and HTT coming round.

They're assessing me for hospital.

I don't want to go IP.

Wish I'd never shared my plan.

I really do.

Sleep Away.

I'm feeling quite okay.

But I want to sleep this day away.

Escape from the world.

For just a little bit.

Would be nice.

Pushing Away.

She thinks I've abandoned her.

It's all to personal in her eyes.

She's very wrong though.

It may be true me pushing her away.

I mean I'm pushing away everyone.

Only because I'm not feeling to great.

Nothing they've done wrong.

Why do I do that.

End up worrying people

For their protection.

Tranqed.

Tonight is the night.

To get tranqed that is.

I'm feeling bliss, relaxed also.

I wish I could feel this all the time.

It's amazing, smiling so much.

I'm happy happy happy.

Yeahhh.

Getting Assessed.

Talked to my care team today.

I'm getting assessed by them on tuesday.

Scary times, I may end up inpatient.

I don't know how I feel about that.

It may help keep me safe.

Lets hope.

Feel More Alive.

I get it now.

It's not wanting to die.

Actually quite the opposite.

It's wanting to feel alive.

To feel closer to Frankie

By pushing myself so close to death.

I hope to feel that closeness.

Bad Plan.

I have a plan.

A bad bad plan.

You know what I mean.

The date is set.

The meds are there.

But I just want to do it now.

Maybe I should ring crisis.

They may make me worse though.

Should I take the risk.

Who knows.

Difficult Day.

Today was difficult.

Full of urges and making plans.

I got through it with benzo's.

And binging & purging.

It could have been worse.

So Much Anger.

There's so much anger inside me.

For very legitimate reasons though.

I haven't dealt with any of the reasons why.

The abuse, the rape, now Frankie.

I've just shut it out for so long.

Laughed my way through everything.

But I'm gonna burst soon.

I just know it.

Purged.

So I purged today.

Because I felt like I binged.

It wasn't a proper binge though.

I just need to get it out of me.

It was either that or cut.

Feel I'm falling further into Bulimia.

That somewhat scares me.

But I'd rather purge and lose weight.

Than cut and damage more nerves.

I've already got nerve damage.

On my hands, wrists and arms.

Through my own doing.

Cut and be fat I don't think so.

Hell no to that.

Being Positive.

Each day is new beginning.

Today is going to be a good day.

Pick up my meds, go into town.

Then over to my mums.

Need to make a sock monkey.

Then a parcel to pick up.

A surprise one.

Three Days.

I had another good day.

Urges may have been there.

But I kept them at bay.

So no binges for 3 days.

And no purging either.

Pretty damn good.

Well for me.

A Good Day.

Had a productive day.

Managed to get out my flat.

That is a success for me right now.

Went into town which was scary.

But I somehow coped.

Then went into Manchester.

For the Christmas markets.

All in all a good day.

No Urges.

Tonight has been good for the most part.

Even with the angry outbursts.

I didn't get urges to binge.

That's new to me.

Cup a soups here I come.

Need to shift some pounds.

Meds Helped.

Feeling pretty chilled now.

After my angry outbursts before.

Took my meds early.

They really helped.

Hopefully I can wind down

And sleep soon.

Lucky To Have My Mum.

Talked to my mum.

She said she would help.

With my money and binge purging.

I'm so lucky to have her.

She's going to look after the majority.

Of my money that is.

I'm happy with that.

I Caved In.

I caved into the urges.

Binged and purged.

Three whole times.

What is happening to me.

I've never been this bad.

Not even when I binged more.

When I had Anorexia purging subtype.

I wish I could just eat normally.

And it didn't make me hate me.

Wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Urges, Again.

I have binge urges, again.

Why won't they fuck off.

I'm going to end up obese at this rate.

That can't fucking happen.

Or its all going to be over.

My life I mean.

The Nights.

It's the nights I struggling with.

That's as of recently.

I just fall apart.

Like last night, and the night before.

Punching walls and smashing bottles.

I have to medicate.

So I don't end up harming.

I shouldn't be this way.

Punch Bag.

Really need to get my punch bag fixed to the wall.

Can't keep punching walls or myself.

Also can't keep the urges in for much longer.

I ordered razor blades, I couldn't stop myself.

They should come soon.

This worries me.

Too Tolerant.

Six drinks and not drunk.

What the fuck is wrong with me.

I need to sneak me some benzo's.

Want to get proper fucked.

Binge Urge.

Having a chilled day.

Watching movies.

Tonight I'll be drunk.

All I want to do is binge.

Hate these urges.

Night Out.

Going over to Em's today.

For the weekend.

We're going to a gig tonight.

Be nice to have a night out.

And a safe one at that.

She's gonna help with makeup.

And do our hair and nails.

Hopefully it'll be a good night.

High Anxiety.

I'm anxious today.

Need to take my propanolol.

I forgot about that.

It should ease things a bit.

May take some loraz or xanax.

Need to chill out.

But not noticably so.

What's Come Over Me.

I really really want to cut.

Don't know what's come over me I was fine earlier.

Now I'm just low, agitated and angry.

What's the deal really

I need hugs.

Will It Ever End?

Not feeling the best today.

I'm so so very tired.

Just want to snuggle in bed.

Feel like shit.

Trapped in my eating disorder.

Will it ever end.

I hope so.

Olanzipine Is Helping.

I wish they had started me on it sooner.

It's really helping loads.

I'm sleeping much better.

Getting up at a decent time.

Feeling more motivated and productive.

I have far less urges.

And the ones I do get are manageable.

My appetite hasn't increased, which is brill.

The voices seem to be at bay for the moment.

It's definitely the right drug for me.

December Already.

I can't believe its December already.

It's come by way to fast.

Haven't even started present shopping yet.

Although I do have in mind what to buy.

Well for mum and my brother that is.

Emily I've got ideas for.

Have to make a sock monkey. 

Thats for Claire.

God help me with that.

Mum will have to help.

Hoping For A productive Day.

Up early today for some reason.

Hoping its gonna be a productive day.

Hopefully I can get rid of my table.

It's taken long enough.

And my small chest of drawers too.

Got to wait a while before the charity open.

Half eight I think it is.

On Edge.

Going out shopping today.

I'm feeling rather anxious.

Not because of the shopping.

I love love love that.

It's the location that bothers me.

It was where I got raped.

About eighteen months ago.

I always feel on edge going there.

Need to have a chilling sesh.

Calm down before I go.

Wish For You.

That's you Frankie.

I wish you were still here.

You'll always be in my heart.

And on my mind.

I love you.

Always.

Positive Day.

Woke up all refreshed.

I'm feeling good.

Todays going to be a positive day.

I just know it.

A bit of Christmas shopping.

And meeting up with Em.

Good times.

Bulimia Purge.

So I binged

And then purged.

It wasn't enough.

I wish I could be free.

Free of this Bulimia.

It makes no sense.

Not to me anyway.

Occupied And Content.

So today's going well so far thankfully.

I'm feeling content and occupied.

What more could I ask for.

It's the little things in life.

The ones that don't cost anything.

Cuddles for example are the best.

Chilled

Today is the day to do it.

The day to get high

Feeling so so chilled

It's bliss, it truly is.

Dont care what others think

It's like I do this day in day out.

Well for the moment..

Dealing Well Sort Off.

How I feel tonight, well I don't enough really know.

Perhaps I need to get high, not done that is a few days it'd probably help.

I'm sick of the night mares, sick of holding it together.

I guess in some way I'm dealing with it by not dealing with it.

In my own world half the time where nothings real.

I like to believe that she's still alive.

She's just down in London without access to her phone.

I'd rather believe that then everyone else reality that she's gone she's dead.

Thats not true, not in my mind, I wouldn't let myself believe that.

I fear if I do then my life will be over.

I know I'm completly lose the plot and suicide would be my option.

I don''t want to die in my word, but there's there reality.

I can't life without her, it's not an option.

Wonderful To Forget.

I got high yesterday.

It was awesome.

I love that feeling.

Smiling from ear to ear.

Everything felt normal.

Nothing was at all wrong.

It was wonderful to forget.

Just for a while.

Experimenting.

Experimenting is oh so fun.

Getting high through new means.

Wahoooooooooooo.

Loving how I'm feeling right now.

So much to smile about.

Chill Pills.

So another binge.

I failed, fucked up.

And how I deal with that.

You really want to know.

It's by taking pills.

Chill pills.

Pathetic And Embarrassing.

It takes me being sedated to go out.

How pathetic and embarrassing that is.

It pains me how bad my anxiety gets.

The anxiety paralyses me to an extent.

Affecting so much of my life.

Hitting Home.

Its Monday once again.

Don't remember much of last week.

It is very much of a blur.

Maybe it's the benzos or maybe just me.

Everything is starting to hit home.

Things are starting to become real.

But I don't want this reality.

All Refreshed.

Had a bad night.

But feeling good this morning.

Woken up all refreshed.

Ready to face the day.

Feeling Like Harming.

Feeling like harming.

Haven't felt like this for sometime.

I'm trying to keep myself together.

But that is proving very hard.

I know I should ring Crisis.

Especially as I've done all my techniques.

But I don't want to get shit off them.

Or they say something which makes things worse.

I don't want to end up cutting.

I really don't.

Shed Those Pounds.

So I've managed a good 20 minutes of exercise today.

Plus walking from place to place.

I am proud to have made the effort to do that.

It needs to be done way more often.

Got to shed those pounds.

Need to get my fit on.

Chuffed At Myself.

I feel like I should congratulate myself.

For Saturday, going out to manchester.

And coping without needing a fix.

I was suprised that I managed it.

Especially along with someone I barely know.

I am quite chuffed at myself for doing it.

And I enjoyed it aswell.

Beaming.

Woke up feeling just okay.

But had a great boost.

I'm so happy now, it's unreal.

Got my loraz delivered.

I am absolutely beaming.

Yay for happy days.

Dragged In Opposite Directions.

 

Feel like I'm being dragged in opposite directions.

One towards believing it and feeling it all.

And the other being in total denial, no feeling about it all.

It's like I'm two different people, at the flick of a switch.

It draining and emotional, I feel little control.

I can't drive this, but I can control my urges.

Productive And Proud.

 

Got started on my course.

Really pleased with myself.

A good way through the first assignment.

Feeling proud and productive.

Maybe I can do this.

Triggered.

Urges to cut.

I hate this feeling.

Don't know how to react.

Should I, shouldn't I.

Who even knows.

I don't anymore.

Swiftly.

This has to stop.

The numbers are ridiculous.

Changes need to be made.

And very swiftly.

I don't want to feel like this.

Or look like this either.

It triggers me to cut.

And I don't want that.

I want to be free.

Missing Pieces.

Is anything ever going to be good enough anymore.

Is anything going to feel right ever again.

I don't want to believe in everyone else's truth.

A part of me is missing, like a jigsaw puzzle without all its pieces.

I need to find them, I need my sparkle back.

You were my sparkle, what does that now mean?

Racing.

Feeling rather anxious.

Got to wait 20 minutes for PRN.

I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack.

Heart is racing.

And so is my mind.

Got lots of urges.

Oh my days.