Bad News.

My faery friend is in hospital.

Sad me, really hope she's okay.

I love her so so much.

Crisis Smisis.

Why the fuck do I ever ring crisis team.

I mean really, they just make me more mad.

And more likely to do something stupid.

Which just goes against the whole point of ringing them.

Arrghhh, they really aggrivate me.

High Again.

Getting high again.

That's all my life is at the moment.

Me being an absolute wreck head.

Its the only way I can deal with life right now.

At group I was high, ooopsies.

It's against the rules.

But I weren't the only one.

And it weren't too obvious I don't think.

Only the other junkie picked up on it.

So Very Tired.

It's been a rather emotional exhausting day.

I just want to get away from it all.

Get high in other words.

I've got my vol work interview tomorrow.

And group, not looking forward to that.

I don't want to leave Tinks for the day.

All alone with her newborns.

It seems unfair, I should be there.

Considering everything.

I hope I can sleep.

KITTEHS ♥

Tinks has just had KITTEHS ♥ 

The Plan.

Evening of 28th September.

Train to Blackpool South Beach.

Get high and drunk as fuck.

Swim as far as I can out.

Try my best not to let anyone find me.

Thats my plan.

Plots.

Ended up staying in hosptial last night.

Fuck all that helped.

Now I've got plans to end my life.

Sooner the better.

So Dwosty/

Pilled uo to fucj.

Apparently I should go to a&e.

They mst treat me lkie an apsolute twat though.

So thats a bo go.

Aww what to so.

Part od me coudnt care less.

Dread.

Getting high again.

I'm dreading tomorrow.

Birthday time.

Wahey, naaaat.

Disappear.

Just want to sleep forever.

And disappear.

A Little Bit Of Positivity.

Seems as though I haven't screwed things up with vol work.

So I'm positive about that.

Going to get my cat rehomed.

I'm sad about that, but it's for the best.

Just waiting to here back from college.

Possibilitise.

Looking at possibly going to college.

Mega eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek.

Part-time gym coach.

And part-time art sessions.

This is a big deal for me.

High Life.

Booze, fags and getting high.

What more could you want in life,

Oh, except of course my faery friend ♥

Picnic.

It look like it's gonna be picnic time.

On my birthday of all days.

Hope it goes well.

Anxiety is already building.

Arrgghhhh.

Mad One.

Last night was a mad one.

4:30 am and I was still awake.

I was totally pilled up.

Walked to the countryside walk near F's.

This was while in the pooring rain.

I didn't give a fuck though.

Sat out till 5:45am then walks to F's.

Not to bad of a night but I ended up missing an appointment.

Oooopsies.

High High High.

Got high and went off on a chill out ramble.

This was 3 hours ago and i'm still high.

High as a kike.

Wahhhhaaaaaaaaaa.

Clear Blood Test.

Think I tricked the second blood test.

Pahaha, what a fool.

Why tell me I have iron and bone density probs.

Right before I have to go for another test.

Me being me, I chugged down like three nutrient shakes.

The day before my test.

So now my blood deficiencies have miraculously gone.

I totally jinxed it, fooled the docs.

Just so I could believe there's nothing wrong.

At the back of my mind I know things are getting fucked.

But sometimes it's easier just to avoid it.

In whatever fucked up way.

Group Epically Failed.

Well group was an epic fail.

I walked out for a timeout half way through.

Got triggered by abuse and rape talk.

Needed a fag to calm me down.

At the end we do checkout feelings/thoughts.

J found it heavy, C wanted to jump of a bridge.

F said she was okay, and I just felt like getting high.

So I'm home now getting high (;

All because of group.

Fuck Reality.

Really need to get high tonight.

Chill out and say goodbye to reality for a bit.

I got pills so its all good.

Feeling Shit.

What is wrong with me today.

Feel like absolute shit.

And I'm so flippin' tearful.

I blew it with voluntary work.

But that's another story.

Need to get myself together.

Birthdays.

Birthdays, hmm.

I can't stand them.

Mine's now in less than a week.

I've been trying to forget about it, put it to the back of my mind.

But everyone keeps on reminding me.

And suggesting things I could do for it.

I don't like the fakeness of it.

Or being center of attention.

Mindfuck.

Food is on my mind.

Like taking over all my thoughts.

I really need a break from my mind.

And all this bulimia mindfuck.

Anger.

I can't stand my anger anymore.

It's getting unmanageable.

Hating myself so much right now. 

Actions, Words.

Actions speak louder than words Amy.

You should know that by now.

Just change things already, I'm sick of being like this.

Truth, Honesty.

I wish people were upfront, just generally honest.

If people black and white like me, Things would be so much simpler.

There wouldn't be any ulterior motive to worry about.

Dizzy.

Love that dizzy feeling.

Monster.

I'm such an evil person.

Turned well an truly into a monster.

I'm so much iller than I could ever have imagined.

I hate myself so much right now.

Turning Tides.

I got my loraz.

Super happy about that.

At least one thing has gone my way.

Maybe the tide's turning.

Lets hope so.

Life Sucks.

Things are difficult at the moment.

I'm scared I'm gonna lose it again soon.

Life just seems against me right now.

The jerk who raped me got off scott free.

No trial or nothing.

The eating disorder service won't give me treatment.

Even though my ED's so bad my blood's fucked.

The drug service and rape counselling still haven't got back to me.

And I'm completely broke.

I just want to run away.

Rant About The Cops.

It's all kicking off on my street.

The past two weeks multiple cops have been her.

That used to be me but daily - due to my crazy mental health.

On a similar not, I once phone the cops on myself.

I had such violent urges to my mum husband.

I wanted to stab him to death.

After all the abuse he put me through.

The police were so abusive towards me.

I think they thought I was attention seeking.

I can tell you not, I was scared out of my mind.

Of what I could have done.

I generally like cops.

I think they do a good job.

But the amount of times there have been verbally aggressive towards me.

Swearing at me and calling me all the names under the sun.

 I think it's disgusting.

If I spoke to them the way they have spoken to me.

Guess what I'd have been locked up.

Some of them have too big egos.

And really shouldn't have the job.

Sometimes I purposely think they want you to kick off.

And thats not fair to anyone.

Ecspeially people who have mental health problems like myself.

Getting On It.

Think it's time to get monged out.

It's been way way too long.

Hell yeah.

Lets get on it.

Chill Pill.

I need to take a chill pill.

Like seriously.

I really do.

Tempted much.

Mess.

Just want to hack myself to pieces.

I feel so fucking gross.

And getting rather out of control.

Temptation.

Temptation. Temptation. Temptation.

Sweet Hell.

I just want to escape this sweet hell.

Stuff.

Things are so hard to deal with right now.

I'm crawling out of my skin.

I just want to destroy myself.

Night out.

Good night out.

With my all time babes.

Feeling really good.

Maybe that's just the alcohol talking.

We'll see in the morning.

Major Urge.

Got a major urge.

To just self destruct.

In lots of ways right now.

I can't deal with this.

Hmm.

Things are difficult.

I'm so tired.

I just want things to change.