She's Scared.

Wish the cat would stop bloody whining.

She scared of me.

I'm sure.

Had a bit of a violent outburst before.

Punched the door a few times.

And now she won't go near me.

I'm a terrible person.

Attention.

People in my head.

Get the fuck out.

I want some peace man.

No Escaping.

Choices to make.

They all lead to the same outcome really long term.

All of us die in the end.

There's no escaping that.

Angry.

I'm so angry.

On the end of my tether.

Keep flipping out.

Just want to smash something in.

Oddness.

Today's been a weird day.

Good but frustrating.

I'm feeling kind of odd.

Not quite right at all.

Actually losing my mind.

Fixes.

I'm in constant need of a fix.

As soon as it wears off I'm in need of another.

Chasing the next fix, the next escape from reality is my life.

Really it solves nothing in the long run.

But I'm so desperate to escape, I keep on chasing it.

It's a bit ironic that it's called a fix really.

Tragic Mess.

I wish I could stop the thoughts.

They're just consuming my whole life.

I want to be free.

I want to know who I am.

Without all this, who could I be.

All I see is what I've become.

A fragile mess.

All I know is my ED, drugs,alcohol and abuse.

It's quite sad thinking about it.

How do I begin to become something else.

I really don't know.

Taking Control.

Bulimia, that is the last time you control me.

There's no way I will stop bingeing any time soon.

Whether it's food, drugs or alcohol.

I'm gonna plan food binges.

So I'll have at least some control over you.

I know that's totally fucked up.

But I'm at wits end.

I don't know what else to do.

Cravings.

All day long I crave food.

So need to get pilled up.

Just to take the thoughts away.

Impulsivity.

You know that little thing inside your head.

The thing that keeps you from doing things you shouldn't.

Yeah, I don't have one of those.

Out Of Control.

More out of control than I've ever been.

It's scaring me.

My social worker and support are both really worried.

I hope I don't end up getting sectioned again.

Things Are Bad.

Eating tears me apart.

So you're gonna be out of my life physically.

I know I'll never get rid of you mentally.

Kind of ironic I'm starting ED treatment.

Maybe it's just me rebelling.

But I don't think so.

I think I'm just tired of fighting.

Fighting a losing battle.

And I'm sick of it.

So I'm choosing what I perceive to be the less of two evils.

The Way Forward.

Drinking is the way forward.

I've decided.

I'm not endorsing it though.

It's harmful.

But it somehow lessens the emotional pain.

It kind of makes me free.

Not as much as the benzos though.

But both together whoaaaa.

Comma.

It is Wednesday right?

Thought it was Monday.

I've been in a comma for two days.

Please no one overdose.

My bodies in deteriorating

And I'm only 19.

How sad.

And nobody knows

I could have been a gonna.

Initiative.

College won't take me.

And I'm too unstable to do voluntary work or get a job.

At the moment.

So I'm taking my own initiative.

I've just gone out and got some workbooks.

I'm gonna refresh myself on my GCSE math and try and learn some biology and chemistry.

I want to go into health care or sport.

So I think these kind of fit.

Wish me good luck.

Sod them fools who are trying to stop me from progressing.

I don't need you.

Appointment.

I got to book that appointment.

For my eating disorder assessment.

I'm scared.

Third time I've been under them.

And I'm only 19.

Oh jeez.

Hopefully third time lucky.

One Last Shot.

So I'm giving eating one last shot.

I'm going to get loads of fruit and veg in.

And some natural yohgurt.

So if I binge on that it shouldn't matter so much.

Physically or hopefully mentally.

It was actually something my OT suggested.

You Are Magical.

My sweet fairy friend.

You are magical.

No matter how raging I am.

You can make me smile, Always.

Don't know what I'd do without you.

I doubt I'd survive.

Living Hell.

Bulimia.

It's a living hell.

If you were a person I'd have killed you by now.

nuff' said.

Walking Pharmacy.

I am like a walking pharmacy.

It's getting worse.

I just want more.

But as with food I can never have enough.

At least it's not as bad though.

I do actually get pleasure from it.

And a break from life.

Whereas bulimia just gives me hell.

Ewww.

Die die die die die.

I want all this fat off of me.

Destroying Me.

I gave you another chance.

As I always do.

But you are ruining me.

You are killing my spirit.

I will never be satisfied with any amount of you.

I always want more.

But there's bottomless pit in me.

Who are you?

You are FOOD.

And you are destroying me.

I Feel It.

I feel an overdose coming on.

Hiding From Life.

Today I can't be arsed with life.

I'm going back to bed.

Hiding from life under the duvet.

Wreck Head.

#depa

#mirtaz

#prometh

#xanax

#zipras

#zopi

Someones getting high.

Little wreck head.

Hell yeah.

Love Learning.

How does this work.

I mean really.

I've got 10 GCSE's with grades A-C.

Yet I can't get onto an A Level course at college.

How am I meant to progress.

It's driving me insane.

I love learning.

Twisted Hell.

I am stuck in this twisted hell I need a way out.

Education.

Why is it so hard to get into fucking college.

Or even find a suitable course.

It's a joke.

And I'm stuck in a rut.

Change.

It's all happening today.

Change is in the air.

It's gonna be done.

It frickin' has to.

I'm walking on thin ice.

Bodily Function.

My bodily functions, just ewww.

They make me feel like a man slob.

I feel so disgusting.

Make Or Break.

Really wanna purge.

Arghhhhhhhhhhh.

Tomorrow is the day.

Make or break time.

Torment.

Mental torment going on.

Kill me now.

What to do, what to do.

Money.

Got this overwhelming urge.

To spend all my money.

I feel compelled to do it.

Her.

Shes rang twice in one day.

Left voicemails, asking how I was.

Hmm, that concerns me.

Is something wrong?

She sounded sad.

But then what mother wouldn't be.

In her situtation.

Having a daughter who doesn't need her.

And has to stay away just to keep somewhat sane.

So Gross.

I hate this feeling.

When you can feel all your fat.

I am so gross.

It's disgusting.

Something has got to change.

Dramatically.

And it flippin' will.

Breathe.

I feel a rant coming on.

Things are boiling over.

My heads hurting.

Fat Clothes.

Wearing my fat clothes today.

Really trying to hold it together.

I really do hate myself though.

Fucking hate bulimia.

Wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Well if I had one.