Heartless.

I feel completely heartless.

I still don't feel much.

It angers me in some ways.

Feel I should have fell apart.

But I didn't, I still haven't.

Am I just a ticking time bomb.

Or is this the dissociation.

Helping me safely through.

Time For Fun.

Planning lots to look forward to.

This year has just got to be good.

I've had some difficult times.

So now time for some fun.

Holiday to Gran Caneria planned.

Got tickets to see Ed Sheeran.

Also got tickets to see Thriller.

Think thats a good start.

Plenty more to come.

Succeeded.

Managed to go out for a walk, as challenged.

It was rather anxiety provoking doing it.

Nearly had a panic attack at one point.

But I succeeded in what I set out to do.

Amy wins, anxiety lost.

You won't control me.

Anxiety Challenged.

Had a good talk with my care co.

She's challenged me to get out the flat.

Just once a day for a walk round the park.

It may sound rather easy to you.

But for someone with high anxiety.

It certainly isn't that simple.

To The Core.

It's days like this.

I hate myself to the core.

They remind me of my problems.

Ones I may never overcome.

And that really saddens me.

Makes me want to die.

But this feeling will change.

In only a matter of days.

I'll be safe once again.

Prize Heffer.

So annoyed right now.

I've binged and purged.

Like a prize heffer.

Ruined all my hard work.

My effort to be healthy.

And my happiness.

Ridiculous Urges.

The most ridiculous urges.

To cut my neck, seriously.

What the hell is wrong with me.

This is not normal.

My day has been good.

So why am I getting urges.

It doesn't make sense.

Day One Of Healthy.

So today was my first day of healthy.
I had blueberries and pink lady apples.
Lentil soup and chicken & veg soup.
Then had some steamed vegetables.
All in all a fantastic start.
Bring on day two.

Wounds.

Wounds from last night are bad.

Can't even remember doing them.

Things are such a blur.

Probably the sleepers.

I should have got stitches.

Too late now though.

Fresh Start.

Going to try and start a fresh.

With my eating of course.

Blocked my downfall dominos.

Hopefully that'll help somewhat.

Plus getting in lots of fruit and veg.

I can eat that to my hearts content.

I'll need to work on the restricting.

To allow me to do that.

Going to get a multi cooker.

So I can have some variety.

Also going to get a wii mini.

In hopes to do more exercise.

But in an enjoyable way.

Rather than focusing on calories.

Wish me luck.

Never Forgive.

Mum said she'd never forgive him.

For what he did to me.

First time she's acknowledged he did wrong.

I should feel relieved but I don't.

It's made me start thinking about it again.

Maybe I need to, I don't know.

What I'm feeling isn't good.

Wish the world would swallow me up.

Utterly Disgusting.

Feeling a binge purge session coming on.

Why do I have to be so utterly disgusting.

Mum doesn't know how my eating got this bad.

She didn't bring me up this way at all.

We always had food on the table.

I was lucky compared to some kids.

Won't Enable.

Some people really annoy me.

I was in unwell in hospital.

And you think it's okay to ask me that.

Asking me to enable someone to od.

To harm themselves.

If you want pills go get them yourself.

I won't be responsible for you.

Especially going down that path. 

You have to take some responsibility.

I may sound like a hypocrite.

But it's dangerous and risky.

So I won't enable anyone.

Not to do that.

Inpatient.

So I ended up IP again.

Just over new year.

It was a hard time.

But it really helped.

It kept me safe.

And I'm thankful for that.

I'm more positive now.

Although it's still rocky.

My anxiety is rather high.

Really need to contain it.

So I can have a life.

A fulfilling one.