Structure.

I need a change.

Or maybe just some structure.

Not that I could handle many hours working yet.

I don't want to set myself up for failure again.

I have got to be realistic.

Even if its just joining the gym.

And I can do that a few times a week.

Also getting back into my craft stuff.

Perhaps going into town for a Costa.

But I do need to start somewhere.

Chained.

I want to feel in control. 

There's so many things I could list. 

I'm not sure I'd know where to start. 

It'd be such a delight to feel refreshed from sleep. 

And being able to get without too much effort in the morning. 

Right now it feels like I'm chained beneath my covers. 

Possibly because I have little hope for the future. 

And maybe there is some amount of fear on top of that.

Be With You.

It was good coming to be with you today. 

There's always a sadness because you've passed. 

But I feel so much closer to you there. 

I could sit for hours in the peace and quiet. 

Rambling on about everything and nothing.

Wits End.

I feel like I'm a wits-end.

Urges are too much, too intense.

Mood is very low.

I don't see hope.

Or see a positive future.

I struggle to open up anymore.

The loses I've had, have left a gaping hole.

Nothing comes close to filling.

I've not been happy for a long time.

I'm completely exhausted.

Nothing excites me.

I don't even want to see friends.

Depression has just taken over me.

It's consuming my whole personality.

My whole life.

I want free of this.

Distress.

Head is 100mph.

You wouldn't know it. 

On the surface I'm fairly calm. 

But underneath I'm sinking. 

Upsetting images. 

Intense urges. 

Feeling rather distressed.

I could burst at any moment. 

Least that's how I feel. 

I need so desperately to contain this. 

I can't give in. 

And I can't end up in hospital. 

Not that I feel very much like reaching out like earlier. 

I don't want to be laughed at again.

HTT.

You'd think these people would have some compassion. 

Well sadly that isn't the case. 

The nerve a person has to laugh at someone in distress. 

It's just totally unbelievable. 

And that's whatever the person situation is. 

It does not matter whether it may seem insignificant. 

They are struggling and it's your job to help. 

The very worst things you can do is be little them and their distress. 

What they feel is very real. 

Laughing just shows ignorance and stigma. 

And you're supposed to be helping people in crisis.

You made me feel so fucking small. 

More distressed than I already was. 

Completely insignificant. 

You rushed me off the phone. 

Did you even know how to help?

You didn't even ask if I felt safe... 

I wasn't.

It Hits You.

When something just hits you.

Right in the heart.

Your throat closes up.

And butterflies wrap themselves inside you.

The anxiety and heartache clings again.

Tears rolling down your face.

Thoughts right back to that day.

Nobody should be blaming themselves.

Especially a mate.

She didn't take her life away.

It was the hospitals negligence that did.

Yet they're not fessing up.

And people are suffering because of that.

Peoples lives, young and old.

Turned upside down.

Daft Move.

Slept much much better last night. 

Funny how I have to down a bunch of pills to get enough. 

I know that was a pretty daft move. 

But I've been utterly exhausted and frustrated. 

And now I feel much less like murdering people. 

Today I've actually managed an okay kind of mood. 

I'm really hoping I've kicked my sleep back into sense. 

Oh gosh I really hope so. 

Lack of sleep = a completely neurotic me.

Total Numbness.

Under HTT again. 

And let's just say it ain't helping like last time. 

My total apathy to life is a barrier. 

I wish I could feel something.

Connected.

Eating is getting out of hand. 

Once again I'm binging. 

Piling on the pounds. 

I dread to think what the scales would say. 

I feel so uncomfortable in myself. 

With all this extra skin. 

In a body that I often feels alien to me. 

It makes me all edgy. 

No wonder I can't relax. 

I need to lose. 

To be smaller, my smallest. 

How I feel safest. 

And most connected with my body.

Fearful of the Nights.

My brain is eating away at me. 

It's a horrible place to be. 

Each night gets more nauseating. 

More unsettling and agitating. 

I feel on edge every second. 

Noticing every sound. 

Getting tenser and tenser.

Did it Die With Her?

What if any happiness I had went and died with twinny?

After all it's only the day I met her that my life brightened up. 

That I felt accepted for the first time ever. 

I know I was truly happy in the moments I spent with her. 

Even if I may not have been totally happy with life. 

And that made things so much easier. 

Something I no longer have. 

And may never, and that scares me. 

I need my sparkle back.