F & M.

Inpatient again.

Well there goes my fun.

Picking at wounds.

Its not enough.

I need a high.

I miss her so much.

And now with M.

Its all too much.

Want to get out.

Snorting.

Snorting bad shit.

I feel relaxed yet want to self harm.

I need me some vodka.

Or just any booze.

I need it to be bad.

Bad enough for stitches.

How fucked am I?

Like Death.

I feel like death today.

So so depressed.

No motivation.

All I want is pills.

To get knocked out.

Testing.

Research meds have come.

Etizolam to be precise.

Trying them out now.

Feeling more relaxed already.

I'm already feel some clarity.

My minds gone so clear.

I'm also smiling.

That is a good sign.

Research Meds.

I found some research meds.

Similar to benzo's but stronger.

I want to try each of them.

To see if they help with my anxiety.

I know I shouldn't be self medicating.

But my anxiety is crippling at times.

I often feel like a prisoner in my own home.

It can be that hard to get out.

And experience the real world.

Something needs to change.

Ate Well.

I'm feeling more positive today.

I've managed to eat well.

Which is the first time in days.

No binge/purge episodes thankfully.

Hopefully I can keep this up.

I want to lose around 10 pounds.

For my trip to Prestatyn.

Which is 21 days away.

Maybe I'm being unrealistic.

Exercising should help.

I need to do some.

Can't Go On.

I feel quite low today.

Had so many bad urges.

How I've got through I don't know.

I really hope better days are coming.

Things have got to change.

I can't go on like this.

It's killing me.

Perception.

Medication is all sorted.

She wasn't angry at me.

The anger was with herself.

Sounds like she was tired to.

Maybe I perceived it wrong.

It wouldn't be the first time.

Thinking the worst.

Falling.

I think I'm falling into depression.

Falling into my old ways.

I should take my Olanzapine.

Maybe it will help.

Urges are so intense.

Bad Bulimic.

I'm really not good today.

Binged so I could purge.

Only managed to bring up half.

Such an epic fail.

I'm not even a good bulimic.

Now I have all this grossness.

It's all inside of me.

I am rotten to the core.

Doctors.

So I've got the GP soon.

Why so very anxious, I really don't know.

Things are going relatively well.

So it really should be a breeze.

Just need to have my meds reviewed.

I hope she lets me have Diazepam.

I really really need some.

Hoping she keep her end of the bargain.

I have recently so why not.