Medication Time.

So back on the meds.

Hopefully back to some normality.

I guess I have to accept it.

That I do need them.

To function in reality.

Change And Pronto.

My life needs to change.

Stop the constant thoughts.

The bad plans.

Binges and purges.

I need to start living.

And pronto.

No More.

I'm stopping the olanzipine.

Totally my choice.

It may shut the voices up.

But I now see that as a bad thing.

I need to hear what they're saying.

What they need me to do.

People will get hurt if not.

I can't let that happen.

Jealous.

Why oh why do I do this.

Its screwing up my life.

Like big time.

Why can't I be normal.

I get so jealous of people.

How they just eat normally.

Without a care in the world.

Purge Urges.

Urges to binge, once again.

Think it's more I want to purge.

I'm trying to resist so hard.

Don't want to give in.

Duvet Day.

Sleepy time still.

Sedated a bit to much.

Not regretting it.

Today is a duvet day.

Watching films in bed.

All snuggled up.

So Many, So Much.

Sorting out the hol today.

Gran Caneria here we come.

So much saving to do.

So many things to buy.

Much weight needs shifting.

And all pronto.

To Escape.

I'm flying high.

Needed to escape.

Only for a while.

I'm feeling pretty chill.

I want that to stay.

Prescribed.

J said she can get me benzo's prescribed.

She'd rather that than me take stuff off the internet.

I'd be sensible with them of course.

It'd save me money too.

Win win situation.

Shift This Weight.

Need to shift this weight.

It's getting me down.

I don't want to see anyone.

I don't want to do anything.

Want the world to swallow me up.

I am so fucking huge.

It's disgusting.

Not A Legit Adult.

Not taken any benzos yet today.

I'm impulsive with out them.

Just bought more stuff I can't afford.

So I'm in the red once again.

I'm so not a legit adult.

Complicated Life.

Not remembering to pay bills.

And spending money I haven't got.

Oh what a complicated life.

Can't I be a child for just a while.

Leads To Another.

Never purged so much in my life.

I am so disgustingly gross.

All I want to do now is cut.

Or cry or just get high.

One just leads to another.

It's a vicious cycle.

Holidays.

I need to start saving.

Saving big style.

Got holidays to pay for.

Passport forms to sort.

Summer clothes to buy.

Lots of them.

Exciting News.

I have exciting news.

I'm going on another holiday.

To Tenerife with Em and Sarah.

Possibly Juliette too.

28 Stiches,

I cut bad last night,

Needed 28 stiches.

Just say I am a naughty girl.

And leave it at that.

Freaking Idiot.

I walked out of A&E. 
I felt like a fraud. And wasting peoples times.

I'm home now hoping they won't get police out to find me.

Fingers crossed they won't.

What am I going to do about my wounds.

God only knows, I am such a freaking idiot.

I just want to chill.

.

"Bad" Food.

So I ate "bad" food tonight.

Then I ended up purging.

It made me feel so much better.

As fucked up as that sounds.

Now I'm high trying to forget.

To forget it all happened.

I'm so euphoric right now.

I love my benzos, my happy pills.

They are magic.

Positive Start.

Things are off to a positive start today.

I passed my second assignment.

Really pleased about that.

As parts of it were quite hard.

It makes me feel like I have a purpose.

So I am glad to be doing it.

Need To Sort It.

I really need to sort my eating.

It's getting rather out of hand.

And it's making me feel negative.

Worsening my anxiety as well.

Need to think of a plan of action.

Two Down.

Finished my second assignment.

Two down only four to go.

That's if I get a pass.

Fingers crossed I do.

Think I did a good job.

I feel glad to get that one over.

Part of it was about suicide.

Bit of a hard topic right now.

But I managed it.

And safely.

Heartless.

I feel completely heartless.

I still don't feel much.

It angers me in some ways.

Feel I should have fell apart.

But I didn't, I still haven't.

Am I just a ticking time bomb.

Or is this the dissociation.

Helping me safely through.

Time For Fun.

Planning lots to look forward to.

This year has just got to be good.

I've had some difficult times.

So now time for some fun.

Holiday to Gran Caneria planned.

Got tickets to see Ed Sheeran.

Also got tickets to see Thriller.

Think thats a good start.

Plenty more to come.

Succeeded.

Managed to go out for a walk, as challenged.

It was rather anxiety provoking doing it.

Nearly had a panic attack at one point.

But I succeeded in what I set out to do.

Amy wins, anxiety lost.

You won't control me.

Anxiety Challenged.

Had a good talk with my care co.

She's challenged me to get out the flat.

Just once a day for a walk round the park.

It may sound rather easy to you.

But for someone with high anxiety.

It certainly isn't that simple.

To The Core.

It's days like this.

I hate myself to the core.

They remind me of my problems.

Ones I may never overcome.

And that really saddens me.

Makes me want to die.

But this feeling will change.

In only a matter of days.

I'll be safe once again.

Prize Heffer.

So annoyed right now.

I've binged and purged.

Like a prize heffer.

Ruined all my hard work.

My effort to be healthy.

And my happiness.

Ridiculous Urges.

The most ridiculous urges.

To cut my neck, seriously.

What the hell is wrong with me.

This is not normal.

My day has been good.

So why am I getting urges.

It doesn't make sense.

Day One Of Healthy.

So today was my first day of healthy.
I had blueberries and pink lady apples.
Lentil soup and chicken & veg soup.
Then had some steamed vegetables.
All in all a fantastic start.
Bring on day two.

Wounds.

Wounds from last night are bad.

Can't even remember doing them.

Things are such a blur.

Probably the sleepers.

I should have got stitches.

Too late now though.

Fresh Start.

Going to try and start a fresh.

With my eating of course.

Blocked my downfall dominos.

Hopefully that'll help somewhat.

Plus getting in lots of fruit and veg.

I can eat that to my hearts content.

I'll need to work on the restricting.

To allow me to do that.

Going to get a multi cooker.

So I can have some variety.

Also going to get a wii mini.

In hopes to do more exercise.

But in an enjoyable way.

Rather than focusing on calories.

Wish me luck.

Never Forgive.

Mum said she'd never forgive him.

For what he did to me.

First time she's acknowledged he did wrong.

I should feel relieved but I don't.

It's made me start thinking about it again.

Maybe I need to, I don't know.

What I'm feeling isn't good.

Wish the world would swallow me up.

Utterly Disgusting.

Feeling a binge purge session coming on.

Why do I have to be so utterly disgusting.

Mum doesn't know how my eating got this bad.

She didn't bring me up this way at all.

We always had food on the table.

I was lucky compared to some kids.

Won't Enable.

Some people really annoy me.

I was in unwell in hospital.

And you think it's okay to ask me that.

Asking me to enable someone to od.

To harm themselves.

If you want pills go get them yourself.

I won't be responsible for you.

Especially going down that path. 

You have to take some responsibility.

I may sound like a hypocrite.

But it's dangerous and risky.

So I won't enable anyone.

Not to do that.

Inpatient.

So I ended up IP again.

Just over new year.

It was a hard time.

But it really helped.

It kept me safe.

And I'm thankful for that.

I'm more positive now.

Although it's still rocky.

My anxiety is rather high.

Really need to contain it.

So I can have a life.

A fulfilling one.