Wonderful To Forget.

I got high yesterday.

It was awesome.

I love that feeling.

Smiling from ear to ear.

Everything felt normal.

Nothing was at all wrong.

It was wonderful to forget.

Just for a while.

Experimenting.

Experimenting is oh so fun.

Getting high through new means.

Wahoooooooooooo.

Loving how I'm feeling right now.

So much to smile about.

Chill Pills.

So another binge.

I failed, fucked up.

And how I deal with that.

You really want to know.

It's by taking pills.

Chill pills.

Pathetic And Embarrassing.

It takes me being sedated to go out.

How pathetic and embarrassing that is.

It pains me how bad my anxiety gets.

The anxiety paralyses me to an extent.

Affecting so much of my life.

Hitting Home.

Its Monday once again.

Don't remember much of last week.

It is very much of a blur.

Maybe it's the benzos or maybe just me.

Everything is starting to hit home.

Things are starting to become real.

But I don't want this reality.

All Refreshed.

Had a bad night.

But feeling good this morning.

Woken up all refreshed.

Ready to face the day.

Feeling Like Harming.

Feeling like harming.

Haven't felt like this for sometime.

I'm trying to keep myself together.

But that is proving very hard.

I know I should ring Crisis.

Especially as I've done all my techniques.

But I don't want to get shit off them.

Or they say something which makes things worse.

I don't want to end up cutting.

I really don't.

Shed Those Pounds.

So I've managed a good 20 minutes of exercise today.

Plus walking from place to place.

I am proud to have made the effort to do that.

It needs to be done way more often.

Got to shed those pounds.

Need to get my fit on.

Chuffed At Myself.

I feel like I should congratulate myself.

For Saturday, going out to manchester.

And coping without needing a fix.

I was suprised that I managed it.

Especially along with someone I barely know.

I am quite chuffed at myself for doing it.

And I enjoyed it aswell.

Beaming.

Woke up feeling just okay.

But had a great boost.

I'm so happy now, it's unreal.

Got my loraz delivered.

I am absolutely beaming.

Yay for happy days.

Dragged In Opposite Directions.

 

Feel like I'm being dragged in opposite directions.

One towards believing it and feeling it all.

And the other being in total denial, no feeling about it all.

It's like I'm two different people, at the flick of a switch.

It draining and emotional, I feel little control.

I can't drive this, but I can control my urges.

Productive And Proud.

 

Got started on my course.

Really pleased with myself.

A good way through the first assignment.

Feeling proud and productive.

Maybe I can do this.

Triggered.

Urges to cut.

I hate this feeling.

Don't know how to react.

Should I, shouldn't I.

Who even knows.

I don't anymore.

Swiftly.

This has to stop.

The numbers are ridiculous.

Changes need to be made.

And very swiftly.

I don't want to feel like this.

Or look like this either.

It triggers me to cut.

And I don't want that.

I want to be free.

Missing Pieces.

Is anything ever going to be good enough anymore.

Is anything going to feel right ever again.

I don't want to believe in everyone else's truth.

A part of me is missing, like a jigsaw puzzle without all its pieces.

I need to find them, I need my sparkle back.

You were my sparkle, what does that now mean?

Racing.

Feeling rather anxious.

Got to wait 20 minutes for PRN.

I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack.

Heart is racing.

And so is my mind.

Got lots of urges.

Oh my days.

Productive Day.

Today has been productive.

Was allowed into town with motherbear.

Did some shopping and went Costas.

It was nice to have some freedom.

I have the munchies now though.

Damn it, I need to keep the urges under control.

Need to go on a serious diet when I go home.

That'll be Monday fingers crossed.

No Life.

I'm at the point of making funeral plans.

Seriously wanting out of here.

And out of life.

There is no life without my twinny.

She was my whole world.

Rocks And Hard Places.

Got all the urges.

I so want to cut.

Really need to keep it together.

I hate this feeling.

Like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Cutting would help short term.

But it's not fair on them.

If they find me.

And its not the solution.

I know that.

Expensive Habit.

Back to bingeing and purging.

More and more.

Spending at least £30.

It really ain't good.

Binge Mode.

I am in fucking binge mode.

Not happy times.

I hate it when I do this.

So why do I keep doing it.

Probably to punish myself.

What a vicious cycle.

I need out of it.

I need home.

Purging Again.

Can't believe I did that.

Well actually perhaps I can.

Purged on the ward.

Twice aswell.

I feel so shit.

And to add to that I'm now fatter.

Plus I've got blood shot eyes.

From the purging.

I was worried staff notice.

Thank god they haven't.

Tonights gonna be a bad night.

I just know it.

Why am I so stupid.

Damnnn.