Dissociation.

Sat in the park.

Talking to the police.

Got hypothermia.

In hospital, the floor was moving.

They didn't believe me.

Where did everything go so wrong.

Rachel was nice though

Got me a brew calmed me down.

Spoke to my care coordinator.

Refered back the dissociative services.

Life And Death.

Caught in a void.

Between life and death.

Wanting and needing both.

Planning my future.

And my suicide.

It's confusing.

Eating Me Up.

Feeling rather anxious.

Tightening chest, butterflies.

Hard to catch my breath.

It's eating me up.

I want to cry.

Puked Panic.

So anxious today.

DWP are shitheads.

Panicking so much I puked.

Screw them, they can fuck off.

Stupid imbeciles. 

Pressure.

Things are tough.

My anxiety is rather high.

Wanting to escape.

Hide from the world.

And all the pressure.

DWP can fuck off.

They're making things worse.

Overwhelming me.

Giving me urges.

Back To Reality.

Back up north.

Means back to reality.

I'm full of woe.

So triggered.

I need to escape.

London.

London has been awesome.

Meeting new people.

Exploring new places.

Lots of funny times.

Memories to last forever.

The Excitement.

Make up on, hair dyed.

Short sleeves, sunnies on.

London I am coming.

The crazies are in town

You better watch out.

Assault.

Gym group wasn't brilliant.

Found out bad news.

K assaulted M on Saturday.

He was both drunk and high.

The police we involved.

If only I hadn't been busy.

I would've been there.

And calmed him down.

I told him not to take weed.

As it's not fair on the others.

He's gone off to Ibiza.

I'm worried now.

He's got to have a drug test.

His care team are clueless.

Don't even know he's on drugs.

And has been for ages.

He needs detox.

So Gross.

I am so gross.

I need to take control.

Exercise for the life of me.

And survive on my shakes.

Need to get the patches.

Really hope they help.

Is it to much to ask.

To feel beautiful.

Feeling Positive.

I'm feeling positive today.

The weather is bearable.

And I got some new clothes.

My mums coming back today.

Hopefully I will see her soon.

And my puppy dog too.

London this week, excited. 

Can't Relax.

I can't relax in this weather.

It is so horrible.

Weather changes don't agree with me.

I always get headaches.

Really need to chill out.

I feel so tense.

Physically and mentally.

What I would give for a massage.

Pills will have to do right now. 

Two Of Me.

I really need to get my head straight.

One minute I'm planning my suicide.

The next I'm looking at college courses.

And targets I really need to reach.

I don't want to kill myself for usual reasons.

Don't hate myself, feel kind of okay.

I feel I've achieved what I want to.

And I'm content, for the most part.

That is my reason why.

It's rather messed up I know.

It's confusing as hell.

Like there's two of me.

Relaxing Day.

I'm so grateful for my friends.

Em came round to mine.

I couldn't afford to go to hers.

And was too anxious also.

She spent lots of time doing my hair.

Bleaching, washing, cutting, dyeing.

She gave me a massage.

As I was looking tense.

It was so relaxing.

Even just having my hair done.

I love times like that when I can relax.

It doesn't happen very often.

My hair looks rather awesome (:

Body Image.

I got up at a decent time today.

Got washed and took time doing my hair.

All for getting prepared for vol work.

Took forever to find something to wear.

I looked obese in everything.

Wasted an hour trying to find an outfit.

But no luck, I hate it.

I'm just flat out disgusting.

After that I was beyond anxious.

Far to scary to go into town.

I majorly suck.

Need to lose weight.

To Be In Control.

Looking at diet pills and patches.

Serious ED woes.

I want to cut off my fat.

Exercise forever.

I need to be skinny.

I need to be in control.

To be in control would be perfect.

Oh Happy Days!

I'm so happy today.

My care seems to be getting sorted.

Rose was asked to be my support worker.

She is the most amazing person.

I think I actually may have a chance.

A chance at recovery.

Happy days.

Stupid Ideas.

I've be thinking about suicide somewhat lately.

Go on the tracks, that would be simple enough to do.

Or by the pills which nearly killed me. 

That would be easy to do and they wouldn't have to find out.

Just doing it I need to do it at a good time. 

Where its not going to get in the way of seeing franks.

Why am I even thinking about this?