Fixating.

I'm so exhausted.

Binged again.

Bulimia is eating me whole.

Fixating on weight.

It's so consuming.

What is this life.

ED Woes.

I feel so stressed.

Had my first bit of food since Tuesday.

That's 5 days without any nourishment.

Now I feel all the ED woes.

Fat, disgusting and all that.

I hate having an ED.

Wouldn't wish it on anyone.

My mind is fucked.

Worrying about weight.

I need to be perfect.

I need my scales.

A&E Once Again.

Reopening wounds.

To the point of risking infection.

They sutured and glued them.

Gonna give me some antibiotics.

Just waiting on psychs.

I keep breaking down.

I don't want this to be my life.

Really want to escape.

Wounds.

So I self harmed, yet again.

And they should have been stitched.

Well most of them.

But they steri stripped them instead.

Silly people, silly me.

I took the bandage off.

And the iodine patches and steris.

After a while I was still triggered.

Reopened all the wounds.

Releasing the evil within.

Through crimson rivers.

Making tracks along my arms.

The wounds are worse now.

I just want to reopen them again.

When will enough be enough.

I sure as hell don't know.

Hospital.

Was in there overnight.

A few days back.

They were surprisingly nice.

I've got marks on my neck.

I tried to strangle myself.

With a necklace.

Bad idea that was, it broke.

I was able to talk to the nurses.

Be open about my urges.

They were really good about it.

Which was unusual.

Benzodiazepines.

My librium has come.

I need to pick it up.

It's at the sorting office.

I hope it's the real shizz.

Need my chill on.

Fathers Day.

It's been a tough day.

For obvious reasons.

Ups and downs.

But I'm finally calm.

Got through without harming.

Stressed more though.

As had no cigs.

Been using my e-cig all day.

I really need a proper cig.

Like right now.

OD/SH.

Overdosed and cut last night.

Ended up in A&E then moved to a ward.

The nurses were lovely on there.

They were so approachable.

I told them I was triggered.

And had urges to hurt people.

They managed it really well.

Got psychs down quicker than ever.

Anxious Wreck.

Yesterday I was an anxious wreck.

Managed to fight the fear though.

With encouragement from Em.

I eventually went over to hers.

We watched movies, I dyed her hair.

And helped her with cadet stuff.

I enjoyed myself.

Breaking Me In More Ways Than One.

Bulimia is getting worse.

Once again, oh the joys.

It's breaking me in more ways than one.

Financially it ruins me.

I feel so out of control.

And most of all ashamed.

Money literally down the toilet.

It's so wasteful.

So unfair.

Angry Numbness.

Feeling numb, but angry.

I know that doesn't make sense.

But that's my mind for you.

I'm telling myself its my body.

Adjusting to upped meds.

I do hope I'm right.

Not Drowsy.

I should be drowsy, but I'm not.

It's nearly 3am, I'm wide awake.

Having urges, mainly to cut.

Moneys.

I'm struggling with money.

Normally I'm okay with it.

But this month apparently not.

So many things to pay.

And then there's having a social life.

Going over to see my mates isn't cheap.

One in London.

The other in Middlewich.

Hoping my rail card comes soon.

Gonna have to get mum to help.

I hate doing that.

Even though it's my money.

Things have just got to much.

I'm not coping I'm being impulsive.

Which is a bad sign.

Cuts.

My cuts are messed up.

Might even be infected.

Stupid hospital they needed stitches.

Not shitty steris that do fuck all.

Just stuck to the dressing.

So all came off when I changed it.

Their excuse was the doctor is to busy.

I've always had nurses stitch me.

Sleepover.

Ems was good.

Chatting and watching movies.

Actually managed to relax.

It was bliss.

A Good Day I Hope.

Determined to have a good day.

Entering a charity run.

Hoping to run it for B-eat.

Going over to Ems and staying over.

It's quite scary as I've not stayed with her before.

And had very few sleepovers in my life. 

We'll have a few drinks.

And have some fun.

Cheer each other up.

My Beloved.

Benzo's take the pain away.

Help me escape reality.

Especially my beloved xanax.

Oh I do love you.

Stupid Ames.

Ended up stupid last night.

I got rather high.

But took a few too many pills.

Ending on an overdose.

Not a bad one though.

Slashed up my arms.

Clearly not free anymore.

Got my funky bandages on.

Always seeing the positives.

I am so easily amused.