His Voice.

His voice terrifies me still, all these years later.

Why is my mum with such a man.

I've had such a good day shopping with my mate.

And hearing his voice freaked the hell out of me.

Breaking down, then bingeing.

I just want to fricking purge.

Again and again and again.

It feels like his badness has brought so much evil in me.

And I need to get it out.

I want to slice up.

Release the evil, through rivers of blood seeping from my veins.

Then get fucked up on benzos and booze.

So I can chill the fuck out.

I want it so badly.

But part of me knows it won't change anything.

I've got to ride this out and stay strong.

Progress.

I'm coping with things pretty well.

This is the most stable I've been, in a long time.

Things have been rocky.

But that's part of life.

And I've been dealing with it, safely.

Progress has been made.

My mum and GP are proud (:

As am I.  

Tears Running Rivers.

My heart is breaking right now.

Tears are running rivers down my face.

They made me out to be a monster.

Not allowing me to say goodbye.

They're sending her miles away.

And all I want the chance to do is hold her tight.

Letting her know everything will be okay.

Nightmares.

I keep having nightmares.

Had the worst one ever last night.

It was beyond awful.

Makes me wake up all scared.

Not a good way to start the day at all.

I wish they would stop.

Positive Steps.

Making a positive step.

I'm giving my mum the leftover pills.

The ones that very nearly killed me.

So she can safely destroy them.

I don't need them in my life.

Not anymore.

Panic.

Too much noise around.

Inside and out.

Making things feel so chaotic.

Unmanageable almost.

I can get through this.

Need to calm down.

Big deep breaths.

Leave Me The Hell Alone.

Nightmares, leave me the hell alone.

The visions need to go also.

And the disturbing dreams.

Waking me up full of anxiety.

Kindly leave me in peace, please.

We've Sorted Things.

I felt like maybe they were right.

Maybe I am a bad influence.

And do make people more ill.

I spoke to Franks about it.

She put me at ease.

And said I never made her worse.

That I didn't have it in me.

To hurt her or anyone.

I reassured her that I'm always here.

That I'm not going anywhere.

And I'll be by her side on the road to recovery.

It meant a lot to her.

And also to me for that matter.

I'm glad we've sorted things.

Relationship With My Mum.

My mum and me.

Our relationships come so far.

A few years back we were like strangers.

We didn't know what to say to each other.

Both treading on eggshells.

Being around her made me full of anxiety.

I couldn't share anything with her.

Now I can pretty much open.

About anything.

I enjoy the time I spend with her.

And she understands how I act isn't always me.

She gets I struggle with my mental health.

And she accepts that.

Tries to help in anyway she can.

Whilst still allowing me to be independent.

Miles Away.

I can't believe she's actually going.

We haven't seen each other.

Well apart from the great escape.

For four months at least.

But the fact she was close by.

That was comforting.

Soon she'll be miles away.

And that breaks my heart.

I feel lost without her.

Powerless.

I want to save you.

From all this pain and torment.

But I don't have the power to.

It's out of my hands.

They won't let me near you.

I feel so powerless.

All I want to do is help.

Falling, Again.

I'm falling, again.

Back into the anorexia.

There is nothing I can do.

No point in telling anyone again.

I'm still refused treatment.

Until I'm mentally stable.

How backwards is that.

Will I Get Left Behind.

I'm excited for her.

I really am.

But I'm scared.

Will I be able to keep up.

With the recovery.

Or will I just get left behind.

She's lucky.

Not saying it will be easy.

But she's got The Priory.

Intense IP therapy for a year.

What will I have.

They all say I'm too unstable.

To engage in therapy.

Can't Lose It.

I gave in.

Things have to change.

And they will.

Can't lose it.

Got to keep my cool.

Mental Torment.

There's mental torment.

Inside my head.

To eat or not to.

That is the question.

Don't Freak Out.

Got to hold it together.

Can't risk freaking out about this.

Need to hold it together.

Oh why is this happening.

Makes me want to harm.

Bad Times.

I cannot believe it.

No fucking way.

They can't do this.

It's gonna kill me.

And kill her too.

Trouble Breathing.

I ended up in A&E last night.

Been having trouble with my breathing.

They weren't totally sure what's causing it.

Said it might be the new meds I'm on.

They want me to stop them.

But I don't know.

I was meant to speak to crisis team.

So they could tell me how to taper off them safely.

As it's dangerous to just stop.

I haven't spoken to them.

In one way I like these meds.

I've managed a whole week not bingeing.

That is massive for me.

And I don't want that to stop.

I've already lost 8lb.

I want to keep losing more.