Death Excites Me.

Okay so you already know I'm a bit weird.

And I'll openly agree with that.

I've got to say, I find the prospect of death really exciting.

When I think about it, it gets me buzzing.

I'm an oddball.

But I find it rather fascinating.

Desperation.

Had a bit of a drastic moment.

Mainly because I'm desperate for pills.

Then add in my generally high impulsivity.

And you've got a cocktail of drugs.

They're heading my way.

So super excited.

PILLS.

I NEED PILLS!!!

OMG going out of my mind here.

:(

Self Asphyxia.

Self strangulation/asphyxia.

Now added to my long list of issues.

It sounds stupid and maybe it is.

But anything that brings me closer to death I find addictive.

I get off on the thrill on the risk.

And that out of it feeling.

I want to be out of reality.

I'm falling faster.

Falling iller.

Fragmenting.

My mind is fragmenting.

Weird things are happening.

I'm not in control.

Dissociation is ruining my life.

I can't get a hold on it.

Shuck Up.

Lost a whole day.

This dissociative things getting bad.

It's scaring me.

I'm totally shuck up inside.

It makes me want to puke.

Rape Counselling.

Had rape counselling today.

How tragic.

#I knew I was gonna fall to pices.

I shut it to the back od my mind.

But it right here now.

No way to stop it.

Not safely.

Fuck Off Brain.

Fuck off brain.

You aint cutting.

Or making me cut.

Do you whant to have another 40 stitches.

I dont think so.

Forgotten.

I was gonna write something.

Now I forgetten.

Oo well.

I'm drucnk.

No suprise there.

Of yeah I memnner now.

I wanna cut like fuuuuuck.

Raging, I'm crying here now.

Things are so bad.

But people can't see it.

So perhaps it doesn't matter.

Who You Are.

You can only be who you are.

Accept whatever that is and embrace it.

Memory.

In one ear out the other.

Nothing sticks in my brain.

Except from all the bad stuff.

That's why I'm so unreliable.

Its so god damn frustrating.

Depth.

In out of my depth.

Feeling on the edge.

Things have got to change.

Release.

I need to cut.

A hell of a release I need.

Otherwise I'm gonna go mental.

I really will lose it.

Binged.

Binged didn't I.

I'm a fucking failure.

Need to get away from here.

Destroy Me.

I want to;

# binge# purge

#cut# run off

# overdose# get drunk

Basically destroy myself more than fucking ever.

Family Triggers.

I hate being around family.

Even when they are being nice.

They trigger me so much.

Mainly to binge my face off.

And cut and well run off too.

I hate it.

I wish they didn't trigger the fuck out of me.

So many bad fucking memories come to mind.

They've done to much shit to me.

For me to ever come back from this mess.

And have a "normal" relationship with them.

Hol.

Don't think I'm going on holiday.

Fuck that.

Fuck being anywhere near the mother.

She can go to hell.

Don't Give A Fuck.

Yeah so I'm overdosing.

My arms all stitched up.

But I don't give a fuck.

Hope I don't wake up this time.

Rollercaoster Is My Middle Name.

Got so much shit to sort out.

Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,

Hopefully things will come together soon.

Dissocitave Od'd.

Overdose with out actually realizing.

Shit.

Even on 16 paras.

I barely ever take paras.

Aswell as sleep meds and 15 Xanax.

Ooopsies.

I got craft group later.

Hope Rrrr won't notice I'm high and struggling.

And drunk.

Drinking first thing waking up ain't good.

I wish it was all over!

Actually think i'm too invincible :(

Wish i wasn't.

REALLY GOT THE URGE TO CUTTTTTTTT.

Gah an i want edto arms to be scare for when I go on hol on monday.

Well that certainly went to shit.

Anxiety Problems.

I've been battterling  anxiiety since i was 14 or 15, when will it ever end,

I really don't know how to fix it.

5 years an i'm stiill as anxious as fuck.

They only thing that works to some degree.

Is my way.

Get my benzos thats the only think that helps me not be housboud with agraphoibia.

I'm rather be a junkie than have no life.

I don't care if it kills me.

BENZ&BOOSE.

I must have bee drnk last night.

Text abd fb statuses I can't ewn fucking remember #ohmydays#

I quite hosten I feel a little on edge not as bad as usual though thank gooooooooooood.

At least thats something.

Hols And Mum.

Holiday on monday.

FFFreaking out.

Five days with my mother.

Oh god.

Freaking out.

5 fucking days.

For christs sake.

Dont know how i'm a gonna handle it.

Well i do but not in a sensible way.

ARGGGHHHH.

How with I cope.

Xanax and booze here to the rescue (:

Blah.

I hope it goes well.

#scared as shittttttttttt.

What To Do.

Where do I go from here?

Plotting.

Plotting, planning.

Blah, blah, blah.

Like I'm gonna tell you.

And let on.

What I'm gonna do.

Lost Hope.

Been in hospital for a few days.

Things haven't been good.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I'm not gonna beat this evil in me.

I'm slowly dying.

There's no way out.