Whatever I am.

Clawing at my skin.

I'm feel all wrong.

Sobbing, and sobbing.

But yet I don't quite know why.

Disliking myself.

Or maybe the person I've become.

I'm not sure I remember which.

It's ever so confusing.

Whatever I am.

Whatever I may be.

What did I actually do.

To hate myself this way. 

I ask.

Kerplunk.

So triggered right now.

It's unbearable.

I feel close to kerplunk.

I want to escape the feels.

So scared.

Judged.

It's like they want to stress you out more.

And indeed that is truly working.

I need positive encouragement.

Away from doing something stupid.

I don't need reminders of my struggles.

Something that I'm constantly judged on.

And this is a big fear of mine.

It makes the urge to die.

So much higher.

Protection.

I have a session tomorrow.
There is so much going on.
I'm wobbling, greatly.
I can't talk about it though.
The new realizations.
It's too dangerous.
If I talk, people get hurt.
I won't let that happen.
I need to keep everyone safe, protected.
Even if it means harming to do that.
They will act otherwise.

Sedation.

Just let me relax.
To the core of my being.
And stop this war.
Just let me sleep.

Life and Death.

Is another loss heading my way..

And I don't mean a friendship.

I mean a life, a 23yr old life.

My heart is wrenching one again.

The thought of this frightens me.

It's a life and death situation.

Realizations.

And I realise now, due to her, 

Me and dad we were never going to have a positive relationship. 

But I don't think she intended for this to happen whatsoever. 

I think she just wanted me to be on her side. 

Saying negative things constantly about someone to a young child.

Is going to turn them again that person, its brainwashing.

Being asked from a young kid for marriage advice.

Telling me many a time she was thinking of divorce.

At too young an age I knew what that meant.

When I should have been carefree.

And not worrying about adult stuff.

I told her to leave him so many times.

It's really sad to think about.

Yes he did some awful things.

But there was good in him as well.

I'm glad I was able to see that before we lost him.

Why did I not see all this sooner?!

Something Bad.

My mind is not letting me go to sleep.

I must stay awake. 

something bad is going to happen.

Oh crap, this feeling of dread is awful.

I want to barf.

Need to take some anti sickness.

It's so loud in my head.

Too much anxiety.

Smash it out.

Overwhelmed.

Hiding in your bed.

Because life is majorly overwhelming.

And you just feel like stuffing the feels down 

By whatever means necessary.

Benefiting From Exercising.

Theres a wonderful thing about exercise.

Even when I'm exhausted, it awakens my mind.

It makes me feel fresh and alive.

And even elevates my mood.

It really benefits my mental health.

Hit a Nerve.

Words can hit a nerve sometimes.

Talking to mum about the overdose certainly did.

Me committing suicide would tip her over the edge.

That is her view on things, emotional blackmail much.

Does she not think that I think about others feelings.

I do a hell of a lot of things to protect her.

To make her happy, to comfort her.

I have been doing that since I was a young girl.

Her safety is her responsibility, as mine is mine.

I don't blame my acts of SH on others.

I've fought against so many urges.

More than she will ever know.

Fairytales.

My psych brought up the overdose.

Going on about how serious it was.

About how I could have died.

And to never take what I did again.

It made me want to laugh.

I know that sounds so stupid.

But none of it seems relevant to me.

I'm not saying I think he would lie to me.

As this one is actually really nice.

And actually listens, which is rare.

It happens whenever it's brought up.

Whoever the professional.

It's like they're telling me a fairytale.

Looking Forward.

I'm trying to look towards the future.

I really am, even if I feel low or tired.

I'm looking into driving instructors.

Ones who can deal with anxious people.

If I can drive that will open up my world more.

And give me more independence.

I'm looking into getting cats again.

So that I have some other beings to stay alive for.

A reason to get up on the mornings I don't want to.

I'm looking into jobs I can do in the future.

I am also trying to better things.

In areas such as self care.

I have been looking where I can get my hair done.

And where I get have a massage at decent price.

I have also been researching therapists.

As the waiting list on NHS is so long.

And I want to do trauma work.

Even if it means privately.

I just want to move on.

Appeal Sent.

Finally finished my complaint appeal.

The complaint from rehab that is.

Where I wasn't involved in my S117 meeting.

I was denied that right.

Then they decided to lie to me.

Pretend it never happened.

Do they really think I'm that stupid?

Having a MH diagnosis does not make me thick.

I am standing up for others like me.

We should not be treated this way.