Angels.

So many beautiful people.

Losing the fight of their lives.

Flying up to heaven, becoming Angels.

I miss you all deeply <3

Gone.

I'm low, like beneath the floor.

Frankie's gone, Dad's gone.

Others as well. Too much death.

Mum's low, reminds me of childhood.

Reminds me of bad times.

Something I want to escape from.

I want to break free.

From the exhaustion, the sadness.

I don't want to keeping fight.

I don't want to stay strong.

I'm tired.

Emotionally Tired.

Emotionally tiring day.

Well more than the recent usual.

The bomb scare. Feelings of panic.

Are they still alive? Yes, Thank God.

Dog sitting, taking him for a walk.

I feel confident, content even.

His wound re-opens.

Feeling guilty, and upset.

Have I broken him?

Bro takes us to the vets.

He is calm and logical.

Feeling very grateful.

Come home and stick the telly on.

It's talking about DNR.

I'm overwhelmed with sadness.

Perhaps even anger.

And grief for the dad we lost. 

Passed Out.

Hopefully this week will be better than the last.
Cut my neck and ligatured.
To the point of passing out.
It should scare me.
It doesn't though.
It felt so good.
Slipping away.
I want that feeling again.

Chaos.

The past few days have been chaotic.
There has been positives though.
But I feel the negatives overshadow them.
Getting violent, punching D.
Purging mostly everything.
Cutting deeply.
At least I'm dissociated somewhat now.
The numbness is what I need.
I cannot tolerate much more.
Can't move soon enough!

Cutting.

I'm cutting again.
This is bad.
Do I want to stop?
I'm not sure.
Could I if I tried?
Maybe not.
It's so addictive.
The blood.
The rush.
Everything.

Placement.

So I got assessed today.
By the place in Nottingham.
Apparently it's likely to be a yes.
It's a high dependency unit.
Am I really that ill?

Anniversaries.

Today has been difficult.

These last few weeks have also.

Would like to say I've coped.

Quite well I think, especially today.

I wish I'd cried more though.

We all need a good cry.

I need it out my system.

Binge/Purge.

Pizza. Cookies.

Ice cream. Fizz.

Purging.

Staff = Awkward.

Stuffing Down.

I want to binge.

I want to purge.

Like never before.

Stuffing down emotions.

Over and over and over.

Till there's nothing left to feel.

Till everything's numb.

Coming To Terms.

Is this something I'll ever get used to.

Something I'll ever come to terms with.

Should I be able to.

Maybe not.

Upset.

I need to write this down.

Get it out of my head.

Fuck you people.

Fuck you all.

I'm crying.

For Frankie.

For Gemma.

For Emily.

For me.

Sense Of Control.

Back on this path again.

Controlling every damn thing.

Such a control freakkk.

Coffee, coke, apples.

See this last.

Plan Of Action.

So much self hate.

I need to change.

Stop the b/ping.

Restrict.

Exercise.

POA.