Chaos.

The past few days have been chaotic.
There has been positives though.
But I feel the negatives overshadow them.
Getting violent, punching D.
Purging mostly everything.
Cutting deeply.
At least I'm dissociated somewhat now.
The numbness is what I need.
I cannot tolerate much more.
Can't move soon enough!

Cutting.

I'm cutting again.
This is bad.
Do I want to stop?
I'm not sure.
Could I if I tried?
Maybe not.
It's so addictive.
The blood.
The rush.
Everything.

Placement.

So I got assessed today.
By the place in Nottingham.
Apparently it's likely to be a yes.
It's a high dependency unit.
Am I really that ill?

Anniversaries.

Today has been difficult.

These last few weeks have also.

Would like to say I've coped.

Quite well I think, especially today.

I wish I'd cried more though.

We all need a good cry.

I need it out my system.

Binge/Purge.

Pizza. Cookies.

Ice cream. Fizz.

Purging.

Staff = Awkward.

Stuffing Down.

I want to binge.

I want to purge.

Like never before.

Stuffing down emotions.

Over and over and over.

Till there's nothing left to feel.

Till everything's numb.

Coming To Terms.

Is this something I'll ever get used to.

Something I'll ever come to terms with.

Should I be able to.

Maybe not.

Upset.

I need to write this down.

Get it out of my head.

Fuck you people.

Fuck you all.

I'm crying.

For Frankie.

For Gemma.

For Emily.

For me.

Sense Of Control.

Back on this path again.

Controlling every damn thing.

Such a control freakkk.

Coffee, coke, apples.

See this last.

Plan Of Action.

So much self hate.

I need to change.

Stop the b/ping.

Restrict.

Exercise.

POA.

Two Strips.

Give me a pen and I'm creative.

Well I found it, it wasn't given.

Tore two strips off my sheets.

I'm way too pleased about this.

I can ligature if needs be.

Having something to harm with.

You have no idea how free that makes me feel.

I can finally just take the edge off.

Not yet, but at some point.

No Leave.

They screwed with me today.

Stopped my leave.

Kept me waiting for an answer.

For three whole hours.

Just to be told no.

I hadn't even done wrong.

I was just sad this morning.

But I did engage with staff.

How am I ever going to get home.

Can't even have 30 mins escorted leave.

It all seems hopeless.

Through And Through.

I'm not taking my meds properly.

Thankfully they haven't forced them yet.

And hopefully they won't.

I'm withdrawing from Venlafaxine.

I can feel it, the electric sensations.

Why I'm not taking it I don't fully know.

Part of it's due to me not being unwell.

So no need for happy pills.

I want to go through withdrawal. 

As horrible as it is I deserve it.

I am a bad person.

Through and through.

Inpatient.

Gosh it's been a while.

Currently an inpatient, detained on a Section 2.

It isn't helping, if anything I feel worse.

I'm sad, I'm very angry.

I'm fighting against the staff.

They are trying there best.

But I'm not unwell, I'm just a bad person.

Why will no one believe that!

It's rather frustrating.