Plan Of Action.

So much self hate.

I need to change.

Stop the b/ping.

Restrict.

Exercise.

POA.

Two Strips.

Give me a pen and I'm creative.

Well I found it, it wasn't given.

Tore two strips off my sheets.

I'm way too pleased about this.

I can ligature if needs be.

Having something to harm with.

You have no idea how free that makes me feel.

I can finally just take the edge off.

Not yet, but at some point.

No Leave.

They screwed with me today.

Stopped my leave.

Kept me waiting for an answer.

For three whole hours.

Just to be told no.

I hadn't even done wrong.

I was just sad this morning.

But I did engage with staff.

How am I ever going to get home.

Can't even have 30 mins escorted leave.

It all seems hopeless.

Through And Through.

I'm not taking my meds properly.

Thankfully they haven't forced them yet.

And hopefully they won't.

I'm withdrawing from Venlafaxine.

I can feel it, the electric sensations.

Why I'm not taking it I don't fully know.

Part of it's due to me not being unwell.

So no need for happy pills.

I want to go through withdrawal. 

As horrible as it is I deserve it.

I am a bad person.

Through and through.

Inpatient.

Gosh it's been a while.

Currently an inpatient, detained on a Section 2.

It isn't helping, if anything I feel worse.

I'm sad, I'm very angry.

I'm fighting against the staff.

They are trying there best.

But I'm not unwell, I'm just a bad person.

Why will no one believe that!

It's rather frustrating.

Mixed Day.

Today was a funny one.

M's birthday.

M's funeral.

Seeing him.

What have I done wrong?

Too Busy.

Cut and purged.

Not been caught thankfully.

They are to busy with supper.

Don't have the time to speak to me.

I'd only be mithering anyway.

He's Coming.

How am I going to deal with this.

The funeral is going ahead and he's going.

Falling apart right now.

Will I cope.

F & M.

Inpatient again.

Well there goes my fun.

Picking at wounds.

Its not enough.

I need a high.

I miss her so much.

And now with M.

Its all too much.

Want to get out.

Snorting.

Snorting bad shit.

I feel relaxed yet want to self harm.

I need me some vodka.

Or just any booze.

I need it to be bad.

Bad enough for stitches.

How fucked am I?

Like Death.

I feel like death today.

So so depressed.

No motivation.

All I want is pills.

To get knocked out.

Testing.

Research meds have come.

Etizolam to be precise.

Trying them out now.

Feeling more relaxed already.

I'm already feel some clarity.

My minds gone so clear.

I'm also smiling.

That is a good sign.

Research Meds.

I found some research meds.

Similar to benzo's but stronger.

I want to try each of them.

To see if they help with my anxiety.

I know I shouldn't be self medicating.

But my anxiety is crippling at times.

I often feel like a prisoner in my own home.

It can be that hard to get out.

And experience the real world.

Something needs to change.

Ate Well.

I'm feeling more positive today.

I've managed to eat well.

Which is the first time in days.

No binge/purge episodes thankfully.

Hopefully I can keep this up.

I want to lose around 10 pounds.

For my trip to Prestatyn.

Which is 21 days away.

Maybe I'm being unrealistic.

Exercising should help.

I need to do some.