Tomorrow.

Worrying about tomorrow.

Not the plan, that's fine.

Just J and HTT coming round.

They're assessing me for hospital.

I don't want to go IP.

Wish I'd never shared my plan.

I really do.

Sleep Away.

I'm feeling quite okay.

But I want to sleep this day away.

Escape from the world.

For just a little bit.

Would be nice.

Pushing Away.

She thinks I've abandoned her.

It's all to personal in her eyes.

She's very wrong though.

It may be true me pushing her away.

I mean I'm pushing away everyone.

Only because I'm not feeling to great.

Nothing they've done wrong.

Why do I do that.

End up worrying people

For their protection.

Tranqed.

Tonight is the night.

To get tranqed that is.

I'm feeling bliss, relaxed also.

I wish I could feel this all the time.

It's amazing, smiling so much.

I'm happy happy happy.

Yeahhh.

Getting Assessed.

Talked to my care team today.

I'm getting assessed by them on tuesday.

Scary times, I may end up inpatient.

I don't know how I feel about that.

It may help keep me safe.

Lets hope.

Feel More Alive.

I get it now.

It's not wanting to die.

Actually quite the opposite.

It's wanting to feel alive.

To feel closer to Frankie

By pushing myself so close to death.

I hope to feel that closeness.

Bad Plan.

I have a plan.

A bad bad plan.

You know what I mean.

The date is set.

The meds are there.

But I just want to do it now.

Maybe I should ring crisis.

They may make me worse though.

Should I take the risk.

Who knows.

Difficult Day.

Today was difficult.

Full of urges and making plans.

I got through it with benzo's.

And binging & purging.

It could have been worse.

So Much Anger.

There's so much anger inside me.

For very legitimate reasons though.

I haven't dealt with any of the reasons why.

The abuse, the rape, now Frankie.

I've just shut it out for so long.

Laughed my way through everything.

But I'm gonna burst soon.

I just know it.

Purged.

So I purged today.

Because I felt like I binged.

It wasn't a proper binge though.

I just need to get it out of me.

It was either that or cut.

Feel I'm falling further into Bulimia.

That somewhat scares me.

But I'd rather purge and lose weight.

Than cut and damage more nerves.

I've already got nerve damage.

On my hands, wrists and arms.

Through my own doing.

Cut and be fat I don't think so.

Hell no to that.

Being Positive.

Each day is new beginning.

Today is going to be a good day.

Pick up my meds, go into town.

Then over to my mums.

Need to make a sock monkey.

Then a parcel to pick up.

A surprise one.

Three Days.

I had another good day.

Urges may have been there.

But I kept them at bay.

So no binges for 3 days.

And no purging either.

Pretty damn good.

Well for me.

A Good Day.

Had a productive day.

Managed to get out my flat.

That is a success for me right now.

Went into town which was scary.

But I somehow coped.

Then went into Manchester.

For the Christmas markets.

All in all a good day.

No Urges.

Tonight has been good for the most part.

Even with the angry outbursts.

I didn't get urges to binge.

That's new to me.

Cup a soups here I come.

Need to shift some pounds.