Productive Day.

Today has been productive.

Was allowed into town with motherbear.

Did some shopping and went Costas.

It was nice to have some freedom.

I have the munchies now though.

Damn it, I need to keep the urges under control.

Need to go on a serious diet when I go home.

That'll be Monday fingers crossed.

No Life.

I'm at the point of making funeral plans.

Seriously wanting out of here.

And out of life.

There is no life without my twinny.

She was my whole world.

Rocks And Hard Places.

Got all the urges.

I so want to cut.

Really need to keep it together.

I hate this feeling.

Like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Cutting would help short term.

But it's not fair on them.

If they find me.

And its not the solution.

I know that.

Expensive Habit.

Back to bingeing and purging.

More and more.

Spending at least £30.

It really ain't good.

Binge Mode.

I am in fucking binge mode.

Not happy times.

I hate it when I do this.

So why do I keep doing it.

Probably to punish myself.

What a vicious cycle.

I need out of it.

I need home.

Purging Again.

Can't believe I did that.

Well actually perhaps I can.

Purged on the ward.

Twice aswell.

I feel so shit.

And to add to that I'm now fatter.

Plus I've got blood shot eyes.

From the purging.

I was worried staff notice.

Thank god they haven't.

Tonights gonna be a bad night.

I just know it.

Why am I so stupid.

Damnnn.

Too Much.

Being put under far too much pressure.

Feeling like I'm gonna blow.

It's so noisy here, the builders are in.

I've got to be good over tonight.

Then I'll be allowed fags out the front.

Something I really don't give a shit about.

I have all the urges.

And everyones telling me the voices aren't real.

So basically my whole life isn't real.

But what if they are the ones who are wrong.

I'm positive they are.

Inpatient Once Again.

So I'm IP again.

On my local psych unit.

I've had no sleep for 4 nights now.

Even after the overdose.

The psych is a complete moron!

Shouldn't have got my hopes up.

The other staff bar one are brill today.

I hope that continues.

Hurt People.

I spent far to much money today.

But I guess it's better than spending on other things.

And by that I mean bad bad stuff.

It was fun for the most part.

Coming back on the train was hard.

Really incredibly hard.

The voices wanted me to hurt people.

And I was just trapped there.

Soldiering On.

My mind is so conflicted.

What's real and what's not.

Part of me wants it to hit me.

So I can start dealing with it.

But the other part, the stronger part.

Wants to escape it so badly.

That I won't let myself believe it's true.

And I don't want it to be either.

The urge to get high is so strong.

I'm may be winning right now.

But I'm still in the fight.

I'm so tensed up.

I wish I could just relax.

Or just give in to the urges easily.

Or just give up altogether.

But I always have been a fighter.

Soldiering on after every fall.

Weight Monitoring.

I'm losing weight rapidly.

They're starting to monitor it. 

Which means they're concerned.

I don't like worrying people.

But I can't help having no appetite.

No interest or much motivation to eat.

The thought of it just makes me feel nauseous.

I mean I'd eat if I could, I'm diagnosed bulimic.

So no food ever normally lasts very long with me.

I get weighed about two weeks.

I'm already a kilo down.

It isn't looking good.

Not at all.

Caring Is My Nature.

Everyone's saying how I'm looking after everyone else.

And keeping it all together, dealing with it really well.

But need to focus less on them and more on myself.

I do get where they're coming from, but for one its a distraction for me.

Because I have to step up and be the responsible one.

And two, I know Frankie would all want us looking out for each other.

I'm not going to abandon Em or Gem, not when they are not coping.

They don't seem to get that me caring and looking after them is just me.

It's who I am, I've naturally got a caring nature.

And it makes me feel like I'm doing something productive.

Which is some positivity.

I'll Be There For Her.

Gems not coping, she's turned to the booze.

To escape from reality, this worries me.

But doesn't exactly suprise me.

Substance abuse runs in the family.

I just don't want to see her self destruct.

And go down the dark path of addiction.

I know how much of a struggle getting sober is.

Especially at times like this.

When I can only begin to imagine how she feels.

Frankie meant the world to me, we were so close.

Supported each other through thick and thin.

She was the little sister I never had.

But Gem was her sister, one of her fellow quads.

And very much the closest by far.

They adored each other so much.

It's so heartbreaking.

She feels like she's lost a big part of herself.

And to be honest even though it's not hit me yet.

I feel my sparkle has gone.

And there's a huge gaping hole in my life.

I just want to hold her so tight and never let go.

Nothing To Deny.

Printing off the chosen photos.

Ones of Frankie for Gems scrapbook.

It didn't upset me at all.

If anything it made me smile.

I still don't believe she's dead.

She can't be at all.

They say I'm in denial.

I'm not though.

There is nothing to deny.

She might not be in London.

But I know she's somewhere.

And one day I'll find her.

Prove them all wrong.