Apprehensious.

Meant to be going bowling.

For MH craft group ending

All because of the NHS cuts.

I want to go I really do.

Just feel rather apprehensious.

I feel the need to isolate.

Which is a bad sign.

R will talk me into going.

I don't want to be around K.

Or have him in my flat.

He invited himself round.

I'll just ignore the intercom.

He's not my problem.

Can't Distract Forever.

I managed to make it through.

Haven't harmed so far.

Still getting urges though.

I wish they would go to hell.

Can't distract myself forever.

Scared at some point I'll break.

Nervous for when.

Mad Girl, Silly World.

I'm a pretty mad girl.

In a damn silly world.

And I'm falling apart.

Afraid To Sleep.

I'm lay here procrastinating.

I don't want to go to sleep.

It scares me, the nightmares.

Night after night after night.

Rarely letting up at all.

It feels pathetic and weak.

I'm 20 and afraid to sleep.

A Bit Rocky.

Things are weird at the moment.

Everything seems a bit rocky.

One minute I'm having intense urges.

The next I'm laughing and feel upbeat.

It's rather confusing at times.

I shouldn't complain though.

At least I'm not depressed.

Would It Hurt?

I'm thinking...

Would one cut hurt really.

I haven't done it for ages so what's the harm.

I need to fix how I'm feeling.

And nothing else is working right now.

Part of me worries I'll go to deep.

But I've got steri-strips.

And other first aid supplies.

I have another worry. 

Once I start will I be able to stop. 

That scares me.

After London.

Having things to look forward to.

That's what helps keeps me going.

But after London, what is there.

I don't have any plans after that.

Was just focusing on staying well.

So I would be safe enough to go.

After London, that worries me.

The thoughts will be stronger.

And I'll have less reason to stay strong.

Already told myself I could die after.

Just need to get the pills first.

Not sure whether I'll do it.

But the option is there.

Thinking I should tell CC.

Don't want her freaking though.

Anger & Tension.

Boiling over with anger.

So much tension in my head right now.

Not even sure why.

May need to call my SW.

Getting suicidal thoughts again.

Beginning to form plans.

It's all so wrong.

Things aren't meant to be like this.

Need To Escape.

I want to get away from these feelings.

Want to move away somewhere, anywhere.

Really feel the need to escape.

Running away won't change my problems.

You can't escape your own mind.

That is a big fear of mine.

Breaking.

Feeling rather overwhelmed.

Things feel out of control.

On the verge of crying.

Welling up as I speak.

I feel I'm breaking.

Need to hold it together.

That's what we do.

We stay strong and carry on.

Feeling like we've dealt with things.

In reality that's so far from the truth.

Subconsciously everything.

Has been swept under the carpet.

How do I deal with all this.

Fretting About The Gas Man.

Worrying about tomorrow.

Feels like my hearts in my mouth.

I'm fretting about the gas man coming round.

Can't let a stranger in, and a man at that.

It feels rather risky, vulnerable situation.

He might rape me, I fear that so much.

Increased Anxiety.

Anxiety is high.

Too much worrying.

Not enough doing.

It's affecting my motivation.

To be expected.

I'm guessing.

Typical PMS.

Felt low today.

Unmotivated and irritable.

Guess that's typical PMS.

I hate that yuck feeling.

Get it everytime.

Not fair.

Restless.

So restless right now.

Not far off 4am.

Taken my sleepers.

Yet still awake.

Working out, doing weights.

Tire me out I hope.