Potential Damage.

They want more bloods.

To check my kidneys again.

See if it's still damaged.

Like it was the other week.

I should be scared.

The whole overdose should have.

But it didn't, it never does.

I can't take myself seriously.

Didn't die, can't be that bad.

This is what I tell myself every time.

And I get that same look.

They think I'm crazy.

But maybe my reality is just different.

People...

I can't believe it.

Literally have to get in a state to realise.

She brainwashed me against him.

Cannot trust anyone.

All those years and now I see it.

And now he's gone.

Destroying Me.

This illness is destroying me.

Too many people lost.

The world is such a twisted place.

Holding so much fear at life.

The flashbacks, the nightmares.

I am beyond low.

It isn't going to get better.

Time isn't healing me.

Hurting everyone around me.

Without even meaning to.

I am poison.

Pickles.

I feel positively horrible right now.

Both my head and body are too stressed.

It feels just never ending in all honesty.

This concerns me.

Racing Mind.

My brain just won't seem to stop.

Head in a Blender.

Metal to skin.

Just do it.

Her head screams.

Suffocating.

Coming nearer to fathers day.

Reminders everywhere he's gone.

It's like a stab in the heart.

I have no dad, I have no father.

No more, just ashes.

Too many feelings.

It's suffocating.

Urges to harm.

I'm triggered.

Angels.

So many beautiful people.

Losing the fight of their lives.

Flying up to heaven, becoming Angels.

I miss you all deeply <3

Gone.

I'm low, like beneath the floor.

Frankie's gone, Dad's gone.

Others as well. Too much death.

Mum's low, reminds me of childhood.

Reminds me of bad times.

Something I want to escape from.

I want to break free.

From the exhaustion, the sadness.

I don't want to keeping fight.

I don't want to stay strong.

I'm tired.

Emotionally Tired.

Emotionally tiring day.

Well more than the recent usual.

The bomb scare. Feelings of panic.

Are they still alive? Yes, Thank God.

Dog sitting, taking him for a walk.

I feel confident, content even.

His wound re-opens.

Feeling guilty, and upset.

Have I broken him?

Bro takes us to the vets.

He is calm and logical.

Feeling very grateful.

Come home and stick the telly on.

It's talking about DNR.

I'm overwhelmed with sadness.

Perhaps even anger.

And grief for the dad we lost. 

Passed Out.

Hopefully this week will be better than the last.
Cut my neck and ligatured.
To the point of passing out.
It should scare me.
It doesn't though.
It felt so good.
Slipping away.
I want that feeling again.

Chaos.

The past few days have been chaotic.
There has been positives though.
But I feel the negatives overshadow them.
Getting violent, punching D.
Purging mostly everything.
Cutting deeply.
At least I'm dissociated somewhat now.
The numbness is what I need.
I cannot tolerate much more.
Can't move soon enough!

Cutting.

I'm cutting again.
This is bad.
Do I want to stop?
I'm not sure.
Could I if I tried?
Maybe not.
It's so addictive.
The blood.
The rush.
Everything.

Placement.

So I got assessed today.
By the place in Nottingham.
Apparently it's likely to be a yes.
It's a high dependency unit.
Am I really that ill?