Shifting Weight.

My weight needs shifting.

Once and for all.

I know I can do this.

Whether you're behind me.

Or whether you're not.

No crap in whatsoever.

I can sure do this.

Weight I've put on.

Since taking Olanzipine.

Its coming right off and more.

Stars.

It's hard without you here.

But I'll cope I have to.

Looking at the stars.

Have you wished on one.

We'll both be under the same sky.

Tonight all night.

Rocky.

I really need to keep it.

Keep you guys up on my life.

I've had a rocky time of it.

With a few hospital admissions.

Plus the delightful dissociation.

I am still here fighting.

Up & Down.

Been up and down.

That's to say the least.

Suicidal lows.

Manic highs.

Or just high on life.

And other substances.

I can't keep up.

Dissociation.

I've lost time today.

It went missing somehow.

I was dissociated.

Whilst in that state I overdosed.

On the Tramadol.

Don't know how many.

But I'm feeling rough.

Scared to sleep.

In case I don't wake up.

I don't want to die.

What.

So dieing is my choice.

I'm allowed to.

It's what I want.

What is this.

Black Hole.

I feel utterly miserable.

Hate feeling like this.

Everything is the enemy.

I need to sleep forever.

Want to be swallowed up.

I'm in a black hole.

The Wrong Thing.

So I did the wrong thing.

I overdosed on my olanzipine.

Going to get in shit tomorrow.

But right now all I feel is bliss.

The voices have finally shut up.

I wish I felt like this all the time.

How lovely that would be.

Close To Tears.

The voices are loud.

So much pressure in my head.

Feel I'm on the verge of something bad.

Cannot get them to shut up.

Or even just pipe down a bit.

It's absolutely horrendous.

I'm so close to tears.

Stuff My Emotions.

I just want to stuff my emotions down.

And have them completely obliterated.

It's all a rather confusing mess.

I want to feel, but at the same time,

I don't want to feel anything at all.

Wishing I could just stay permanently high.

Oh life would be just a dream then.

Damn Anxiety.

My stomach is in knots.

She noticed I was on edge.

Need to keep it on a level.

Its too high right now.

Damn bloody anxiety.

Bulimic.

Really wanting to b/p.

Can't afford to at the weight I am.

But still want it so badly.

What is the driving factor.

I don't know.

The Enemy.

I've had enough of this.

It's gone on for too long.

Need to radically change my eating.

Shift at least a stone in weight.

Probably more like double that.

I can't bear to look at myself.

It brings tears to my eyes.

Feel I've become something I'm not.

It's beginning to tear me apart.

Don't want anyone seeing me.

Food is once again the enemy.

Honestly it always has been.

Missing You.

It's been over 4 months since you passed.

How we got to here I don't really know.

Somehow I've managed to survive.

Maybe I'm much stronger than I think.

Or maybe it's the fact that there is no emotion.

I want to feel so badly, I want to scream and cry.

Being able to do that would be some normality.

But no I can't, I think it's a protective factor.

How I manage to get through everything.

Dissociation coming to good use for once.

I do miss you dearly I really do.

And I just wish I could show you that.

I hope you know just how much I care.

I like to think that you are up there protecting us.

When I think about how caring you were.

You most probably are.