Impulsive Spending.

My impulsivity is coming back.

And not in a good way.

I've been spending a lot of money.

At a guess I'd estimate £300.

That's just in two days.

Everything is so out of control.

I guess it could be worse.

Could have spent it bingeing and purging.

But thankfully not.

It Rules My Life.

My anxiety is rather bad.

It affects my life so much.

It's debilitating.

It ashames me to admit that.

Everyday I face big challenges.

Just going out my flat is scary.

Jump at the smallest sound.

To the point of panicking.

I'm constantly tense.

I avoid so much because of it.

It's ruling my life.

And I have no clue what to do.

Last time it was this bad I self medicated.

Got hooked on benzo's.

Right now I'd rather be an addict.

Than a nervous wreck of a person.

And I know that's bad.

Need A Break.

Have I much left to give.

In life that is.

Part of me wants to fight.

The other side just wants to give up.

The fighting parts stronger.

But for how long who knows.

I really need a break.

Time away from my mind.

To escape from myself.

Not So Sure.

I should be sleeping but I'm not.

My head is going round and round.

I have too much to think about.

Should I really try college.

I'm not so sure.

Not this year anyway.

I know if I screw up it'll be bad.

I'll completely flip out at myself.

And it won't be pretty.

I have the pills all ready.

The ones that near killed me.

No one knows.

More Hopeful.

I feel better for speaking to her.

Kinda like breaking the ice again.

College I feel more hopeful about.

Although it still scares me.

I am excited for it somewhat.

Really need to get organised.

Sort out stationary and whatnot.

College Worries.

Terrified about college.

Well more about fucking it up.

And ending up failing.

I don't think I could cope.

If that happened.

It would destroy me.

Yawning.

I am utterly exhausted.

It's definitely the meds.

They're making me yawn too.

Never yawned so much in my life.

I hope the tiredness stops.

I hate having no energy.

I realise it's to calm me down.

Which I guess is working.

Wobby Lump.

My body is gross.

I feel like such a wobbly lump.

Yet I keep on eating.

Keep on fucking up.

As per usual.

Drained.

The past few weeks have been odd.

I am completely exhausted.

Having the mentals is draining.

Both physically and mentally.

Maybe I should blame that on the meds.

Or the caffeine withdrawal.

I need me some energy.

The Voices.

The voices have been intense.

It rather exhausting.

My meds have been upped.

I so hopes it help.

His orders are hard to not act on.

I'm an emotional mess.

I need to sleep.

Indestructible.

I have an idea.

Can't get it out my head.

It's such an awesome one.

Although irrational I'm told.

It would be amazing.

Walking into the sea.

Weights and all.

Plus a cocktail of drugs.

What a heavenly way to die.

It's going to happen.

I'm quite enthusiastic about this.

You can probably tell.

It may be completely crazy.

But who's to judge.

I have to test my invincibility.

I'm quite certain I'll survive.

Indestructible I am.

I tell you.

Missing You.

I miss you so much.

I'm really bad at phoning you.

So sorry for that.

Hope you know I love you.

Just this damn anxiety gets in the way.

Wish you could be here right now.

Lay with me and chill.

You're the only person to ever just get me.

Accept me despite my flaws.

I don't think I can ever love anyone as much as you.

You mean the absolute world to me.

And always will.

I want to hold you tight.

Never let go.

I love you.

Fuzzy Head.

Things are still fuzzy.

Making me feel somewhat uneasy.

I want my mind to be clear.

My head hurts.

This isn't nice.

Hello August.

Hello August. 

You came so fast.

It's my birthday soon.

I'll be twentyone.

A real adult.

Scary prospect.

Feel fifteen.