Bursting.

How I'm going to cope after tomorrow, I don't know..
My anxiety is crippling me, feels like my hearts in my mouth.
Butterflies in my stomach fluttering around.
Shaking me up inside, whilst outside I'm agitated.
The anger has taken hold, and why I do not know.
This isn't a good mix, my heads filled to bursting.
Some pressure needs freeing, but without the harm.

Life.

I feel so hopeless and lost.
No where to run, no where to hide.
Not when the demons are in your own mind.
And its things you can't change.
I should be happy.
It's December, nearly Xmas.
But I'm scared.
Dad's gone.
Not that I ever had a relationship with him till the end.
And mum just well..
Its hard to explain.
I'll never be good enough for her.
Never was for dad either.
I'm not going to succeed like the average kid.
Because of how my mental health impacts my life.
All I see is the disappointment.
And all the rest of the negative things.
I have to hold myself back,
Walk on egg shells just so as not to upset her.
Because it impacts on her an awful lot didn't I know.
She keeps on telling me this.
Like it never enters my mind.
Hell I keep away so much just to protect you.
I keep so much unsaid so not to hurt you.
One thing I cannot do is change the fact I'm ill.
I do not choose to be this way.
I hate being like this.
I despise myself.
But I do know I'm a thoughtful, caring and kind person.
I'd never do anything to intentionally hurt her.
I'm never going to be that perfect daughter she desires.
Not even close, not that she seems to accept that.
Shouldn't it just be about happiness or being content.
I just feel so pressured.
To get a job, get in a relationship, do driving lessons etc.
None of that is even going to happen if I'm dead.
Or depressed, anxious and isolating.
Oh golly...

Relaxation.

I really need to learn the art of relaxation.
It is something I truly suck at.
Holding a lot of stress in my body doesn't help.
I've never been able to just sit without feeling the tension.
Not always mentally but physically I mean.
I'm in need of a good massage.
But it feeling comfortable enough to let someone touch me.
I mean it's pretty a intimate situation.

Paranoia.

Sleep is becoming troublesome again.
And my anxiety has heightened.
I can not let the paranoia take hold.
I don't want to be imprisoned again.
The outside world is scary.
It's something I have to face though.
I'd rather that than the sheer isolation.
Jumping at every drop of a needle.
Hiding behind the curtains because I fear I'm being watched.
That's not a Life.
That's being trapped by an illness.

Good Day.

Positive day even without the best start.
Nice and relaxed, without urges flowing.
Or racing mind and intrusive thoughts.
Very freeing.
Very satisfying.
A day where my creative ideas can flow.
And my awkward social skills are less awkward.
It's nice to just breathe.
And have a good day.

Bulimia.

Stuffing my emotions down a lot.
Trying to hold it together.
Impulsive though my mind.
Binging on intolerable amounts.
The numbers on the scales rocket.
My purse is looking empty.
I see my body, I feel the guilt.
I'm ashamed.
Tops of my thighs touching with fat.
I exercise and exercise.
Multiple times a day.
But the binging still remains.
I'm just in one big sorry cycle.

Structure.

I need a change.

Or maybe just some structure.

Not that I could handle many hours working yet.

I don't want to set myself up for failure again.

I have got to be realistic.

Even if its just joining the gym.

And I can do that a few times a week.

Also getting back into my craft stuff.

Perhaps going into town for a Costa.

But I do need to start somewhere.

Chained.

I want to feel in control. 

There's so many things I could list. 

I'm not sure I'd know where to start. 

It'd be such a delight to feel refreshed from sleep. 

And being able to get without too much effort in the morning. 

Right now it feels like I'm chained beneath my covers. 

Possibly because I have little hope for the future. 

And maybe there is some amount of fear on top of that.

Be With You.

It was good coming to be with you today. 

There's always a sadness because you've passed. 

But I feel so much closer to you there. 

I could sit for hours in the peace and quiet. 

Rambling on about everything and nothing.

Wits End.

I feel like I'm a wits-end.

Urges are too much, too intense.

Mood is very low.

I don't see hope.

Or see a positive future.

I struggle to open up anymore.

The loses I've had, have left a gaping hole.

Nothing comes close to filling.

I've not been happy for a long time.

I'm completely exhausted.

Nothing excites me.

I don't even want to see friends.

Depression has just taken over me.

It's consuming my whole personality.

My whole life.

I want free of this.

Distress.

Head is 100mph.

You wouldn't know it. 

On the surface I'm fairly calm. 

But underneath I'm sinking. 

Upsetting images. 

Intense urges. 

Feeling rather distressed.

I could burst at any moment. 

Least that's how I feel. 

I need so desperately to contain this. 

I can't give in. 

And I can't end up in hospital. 

Not that I feel very much like reaching out like earlier. 

I don't want to be laughed at again.

HTT.

You'd think these people would have some compassion. 

Well sadly that isn't the case. 

The nerve a person has to laugh at someone in distress. 

It's just totally unbelievable. 

And that's whatever the person situation is. 

It does not matter whether it may seem insignificant. 

They are struggling and it's your job to help. 

The very worst things you can do is be little them and their distress. 

What they feel is very real. 

Laughing just shows ignorance and stigma. 

And you're supposed to be helping people in crisis.

You made me feel so fucking small. 

More distressed than I already was. 

Completely insignificant. 

You rushed me off the phone. 

Did you even know how to help?

You didn't even ask if I felt safe... 

I wasn't.

It Hits You.

When something just hits you.

Right in the heart.

Your throat closes up.

And butterflies wrap themselves inside you.

The anxiety and heartache clings again.

Tears rolling down your face.

Thoughts right back to that day.

Nobody should be blaming themselves.

Especially a mate.

She didn't take her life away.

It was the hospitals negligence that did.

Yet they're not fessing up.

And people are suffering because of that.

Peoples lives, young and old.

Turned upside down.

Daft Move.

Slept much much better last night. 

Funny how I have to down a bunch of pills to get enough. 

I know that was a pretty daft move. 

But I've been utterly exhausted and frustrated. 

And now I feel much less like murdering people. 

Today I've actually managed an okay kind of mood. 

I'm really hoping I've kicked my sleep back into sense. 

Oh gosh I really hope so. 

Lack of sleep = a completely neurotic me.